by Elly van Laar | Aug 26, 2016 | Acceptance, Compassion
I am not a big fan of diagnoses.
From 1997-2007 I worked for mental health institutions. I have seen the same person diagnosed as manic-depressive, then depressive, then borderline personality disorder, then back to depressive. I have seen more than 100 people who carried the diagnosis ‘schizophrenia’, not one of them the same. Their symptoms might have had some resemblance, and their individual behavior was so different that the diagnosis could only partly help you help them.
Diagnoses reduce human beings to a uni-dimensional view of their being.
I believe in seeing whole humans. People with different backgrounds, different vulnerabilities, different potentials. People trying to meet precious, human, universal needs in different ways.
I do believe that diagnoses can help us understand people.
We can use a diagnosis as a working hypothesis for what might be going on. If this person is diagnosed with schizophrenia, does that help me understand that their aggression is a result of them seeing people I don’t see? If this person is labelled autistic, does this explain why they don’t make eye contact? Can I better accept that someone is in bed 18 hours a day, if I know they have clinical depression?
My compassionate response to a diagnosis is that – while incomplete – it might help me better understand what another person is experiencing. When one of my clients thought there was another person in the room, and talked to him while we were in conversation, I was respectful until he finished. I didn’t tell him there was no one else but us, because I accept that his reality is different and no less valid than mine.
With this unconditional acceptance, I can step into their reality and try to see the world through their eyes. When I know my friend has delusions, I accept that his truth is that the Suriname Embassy is trying to kill him. I might try to distract him, offer this moment right here as an alternative to his delusions, and reassure him that his life has meaning to me. If someone with an Asperger’s diagnosis, needs structure and predictability, I can try to be complete when I tell him my schedule. If my friend is diagnosed with Borderline, I support a clear sense of boundaries in our connection and open myself to the beauty they have to offer, and deflect their anger.
Diagnoses do not define people. They can be an incomplete starting point for understanding.
And I am a big fan of understanding. Anytime. Anywhere.
by Elly van Laar | Jun 25, 2016 | Compassion, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
“I feel frustrated with my marriage. I am done with it! I don’t want to deal with his anger and resentment anymore…”
“What would the absence of his anger and resentment bring you?”
“A sense of peace. Someone who is available to me, someone who is willing and able to listen and support me. Maybe just enjoying life… You know, I am 43 and I don’t want to spend the second half of my life with someone who is constantly dissatisfied with life. That was not my vision when I married him.”
When you are married to someone who struggles to hold his unmet needs in a way that respects your needs, you might take it personally. You might start losing your self-respect and self-worth, and think you are at least partly responsible for his anger and resentment.
If so, Steven Stosny suggests four choices to reconnect to your own basic goodness, your core value as a human being:
- Appreciate. When you appreciate what brings you joy, a sunset, the flowers of the plant you carefully nurtured, the smile of delight of your baby, you reinforce your values, your sense of self. You reinforce your inner goodness by appreciating outer goodness.
- Connect. When you connect to people who stand by your side no matter what, you realize you are lovable enough to receive love, acceptance and belonging. Even if your husband doesn’t meet those needs. It doesn’t really matter whether your friend is a human being, your pet, the nurturing part within yourself, God or nature. Any connection with someone who has an unconditional, positive regard for you helps you connect to the place of positive regard within yourself.
- Improve. When you improve your life, you restore your sense of self-agency. You are not in control of how your husband feels, thinks or acts. You are in control of improving your own life, whatever he does. It might be cleaning up your room, finishing chores, weightlifting, taking a class in ceramics: anything that makes your life a bit better. It doesn’t need to be perfect, it just needs to get better.
- Protect. Protecting what you care for, something that is vulnerable and precious, calls upon your inner warrior. The one that protects and defends. Not against anyone, but for someone. It is not reactionary, it is pro-active: “This is important to me and I won’t let you contribute to harm, because I care for this and for you.” You appeal to the compassionate core value of your husband. You call upon him to be more than his unmet needs and act from the place within himself that wants to contribute and protect.
Try these strategies out and see if they help. I also suggest you read “Love without Hurt” by Steven Stosny. I find it highly valuable to maintain your core value.
by Elly van Laar | Apr 15, 2016 | Compassion, Empathy, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
Have you ever met your inner child?
I have.
At the Mindfulness Retreat I attended with my Thich Nhat Hanh Sangha last weekend.
I was enthralled by the workshop Gale and Curt organized for us. I valued the support for deep self-connection, the safety of our group, the sharing in our circle, the individual and pair work it offered.
I cried a lot.
And yet, I was not suffering. I was not even sad. I was just touched to spend time with my inner child.
My inner child has a sense of innocence, happiness and excitement about life. She is curious and eager to learn and contribute. She is satisfied with where she’s at and doesn’t need much.
She certainly doesn’t need the forcefulness of a protector — a protector who lives in the fear and responses she created when I was around eight years old. A protector who still thinks it is 1973 – who believes she has to scramble to get a pancake before they are eaten by her siblings. A protector who still carries the fear that her siblings will start to talk over her as soon as she starts to tell about her day and stutters.
My inner child knows better.
She knows that was then and now is now. She doesn’t fear that there isn’t enough, or afraid that she doesn’t matter. She simply trusts that we share our basic goodness and that the world is a fantastic place – waiting to be explored and enjoyed. My inner child engages people and life with openness, authenticity and vulnerability.
I am so moved to meet her.
As I look at her, I understand Thich Nhat Hanh’s Second Mindfulness Training in a whole new way:
True Happiness: “…I can live happily in the present moment, simply by remembering that I already have more than enough conditions to be happy…”
I always thought that those conditions referred to my material well-being, my physical health, my marriage and friendships. This weekend I learned they do not. The conditions of my happiness are the unconditional acceptance and love I receive from my inner child. With her I can relax. With her I can manifest my true self and realize my dreams.
Contact me 512-589-0482 to understand and nourish the conditions of your happiness.
Thank you, David Nayer, for editing this blog at such a late notice. My life is richer by your support.
by Elly van Laar | Feb 6, 2016 | Compassion, Empathy, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth
My work aligns with my values of loving-speech and deep listening and supports my aspiration to see our interdependence.
When I look at my business as seeing our interdependence and contributing to empathy and compassion, my shyness about marketing my services melts away. I transform my thought that I am a beggar, grasping for clients, into a contributor who creates value and solves problems. I bring a service to the world. Without arrogance, without false humility. From a place of joy and pride that I found the sweet spot between what I love to do and what the world needs.
Building a business is ultimately also about creating a life. Not just about making a living. Creating your life and building your business become synonymous with finding the sweet spot between what you love to do and how you can add value. And then do that with all your heart.
“If it falls to your lot to be a street sweeper, sweep streets like Michelangelo painted pictures. Sweep streets like Beethoven composed music. (…) And sweep streets like Shakespeare wrote poetry. Sweep streets so well that all the hosts of Heaven and Earth will have to pause and say, “Here lived a great street sweeper who swept his job well.”” (Martin Luther King in: Cornel West, The Radical King, Speech delivered at Barratt Junior High School, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, October 26, 1967)
When I look at my business from the perspective of offering my services wholeheartedly, because they uplift humanity, I get super excited. I love listening to people and asking questions to deepen understanding and self-connection. I love helping people understand each other from a place of compassion and empathy. And I love facilitating dialog in group settings, certainly when there is conflict involved. Why? Because I value connection, I value harmony and I value understanding and support. I believe we are better off as a team, than as individual players, and we get more things done when we collaborate.
You want help to Build a Life? Contact me, 512-589-0482 for a free, discovery session.
Thank you, David Nayer, for role modeling the value of collaboration by editing this and many other posts with such delight.
by Elly van Laar | Jan 22, 2016 | Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, NVC, Personal Growth
“If readers have a sincere desire to make life miserable for themselves, they might learn to compare themselves to other people.” (Dan Greenburg in: Rosenberg M., Nonviolent Communication, a language of life, 2003, p. 18)
Did you ever do the comparison game?
It is very simple. You look at the results you created in your life and compare them with those of others. I am very good at that game. I compare myself a lot. With siblings, community members, colleagues. With Martin Luther King, Mother Theresa, Thich Nhat Hanh. I look at my life and at theirs, and I always fall short. At a bad day, I take it personally and start to think that there is something wrong with me. That I am a loser. A failure. That I am unworthy.
In the (perceived) absence of results, I come up with reasons.
“I had a challenging childhood. Now I suffer from low self-worth.” “I’m too insecure to get the word out about my business.” You probably have your own reasons to soften the pain of the comparison.
What if it is true? What if my life circumstances didn’t give me a head start? Does that mean that I can’t move forward and take a step on my path of aspiration?
Imagine a marathon. The winner has it all: perfect age, support team, running shoes. And then, 20 hours after the winner crosses the finish line, comes in the man on crutches. One leg. No coaches. No fancy shoes. He didn’t win the race. Wouldn’t he be your hero? Wouldn’t you be in awe that he dedicated his life to fulfill his dream? That he started practicing? Started running? With all he got? I know I bow to the ground for him. He is my inspiration to give life all I have, however much it is.
We all have different starting points in life. And we all can move forward. One step at a time. We might not have a clear end result in mind, we might not have a clue what we want our business to look like 12 years from now. And we know what our deepest values are. Who we want to be right here, right now. Empathic, compassionate, mindful for me. Something else for you.
Building a business starts with being. Building a business is building our character. Then we naturally start doing. And from the doing comes the having.
You want to learn to Build a Business? Contact me, 512-589-0482 for a free, discovery session.
by Elly van Laar | Dec 25, 2015 | Compassion, Empathy
Loneliness is a tough feeling. At least for me. It has something to do with thinking that I am not lovable enough to belong. That there is something wrong with me, that I am not funny, cheerful, smart, pretty enough to be invited to the Christmas table. For me the toughest part about loneliness, is the shame I feel around it. I don’t want people to know that I am not invited, that I am not worthy enough to be welcomed. I am not taking the risk that people will find out the truth of my unlovability and confirm it. The shame keeps me from sharing my loneliness. So there I am, feeling lonely in my loneliness.
We all want a family where we belong and are accepted for who we are, with all our quirkiness, idiosyncratic weirdness, sensitivities. We all want a family that is willing to deal with their triggers around us, in a compassionate, empathic way. Without blame, criticism or demand that we have to change.
Not all of us have that kind of family (fortunately, I do, they are just an ocean away). For some, maybe many, our family didn’t have a sense of unconditional warmth and welcome. Our families didn’t have that unconditional commitment to turn toward each other, no matter the challenge and the pain. Many of us had families where triggers were met with turning against or turning away.
Christmas is one of these times where this pang of loneliness is most palpable. Because Christmas offers the assumption of warmth and welcome. We see people gather in family circles around the Christmas tree, and here we are, by ourselves. The pain is the result of seeing others have what we so desperately want: warmth, belonging, acceptance.
If that is true for you, I invite you to be your own family. I invite you to find the inner resources to have compassion and care for your own happiness. Maybe you can invite the parts within yourself at the Christmas table, whether you like them or not. Pull out a chair for your loneliness, your sadness, your grief, your anger, your fear, your joy. And if you’re up for it, offer a talking stick to each of them. And then listen. Just listen. What are they about? What do they want to be known for? Do they have a request of you, so they can relax and trust that you will take good care of them? And once in a while, breath into your resistance to their message. Welcome your resistance with the same love and open-hearted curiosity.
If you notice a deeper compassion and understanding for yourself, you could extend that compassion and care to everyone else who is in the same boat. If you don’t notice the softening of the heart, you can reach out for me. This Christmas, I am only a phone call away.
You want 6-minutes emergency empathy during the Holidays? Contact me, 512-589-0482.
