512-589-0482 elly@ellyvanlaar.com

Nonviolent Communication and Conflict Coach

Experience unconditional, non-judgmental acceptance and an emotionally safe environment to reflect on your priorities. Elly’s exceptional listening skills and powerful questions help you see your life from an objective and different perspective. With her grace you dare to fail to learn.

As a result you can make good relationships better, fight in a more constructive way, and understand the needs behind feelings, strategies, and demands.

(I won’t feel hurt if you unsubscribe. Trust me, I’ve had worse things happen to me).

Coaching

Together we work on clarifying what is truly important to you, reflecting on your priorities, preparing to ask for what you want with Santa-Claus energy: “Hoho, wouldn’t this world be a better place if my needs are met?”

“The words can’t capture really what the experience is to work with Elly. It is not three-dimensional enough, I guess that would be the way I’d say it. It’s really a moment of slowing down and being present and being valued as a human being. Not for what I’ve done or haven’t done, or know or don’t know, or my degrees, just simply that I exist, which is unique.”

Jen Collins

Associate Professor, TTUHSC

Mediation

We use your conflict to understand what’s important to both of you, and work together so you can move forward. Bring your partner, sibling,  partner, and transform conflict into trust.

“I began this process hopeless, and through Elly creating a ceremonial space to share grievances, I ended with hope for a renewed relationship. Through Elly’s mediation, I was able to understand and communicate with my sister in a way we had not been able to in several years. Elly skillfully navigated us through tough emotions and ensured that all parties felt heard. Once we felt heard, it was a lot easier to think about solutions. Thanks to Elly, my sister and I are talking again.”

Radha Newson

Yoga teacher, Self-employed

Group training

Learn how to empathize and talk compassionately. Understand the needs behind the feelings, strategies, and demands. And find solutions that work for everyone.

I have really enjoyed the sessions I have attended. It’s been a unique experience. Not like anything else I’ve seen or heard of. I’m meeting with total strangers, but within 15 to 20 minutes, I feel connected, more connected with them than with a lot of people that I’ve known for years. And that’s pretty magical. And it’s done in a very matter of-fact way.”

Jon Freeman

Software Consultant, Freeman Consulting LLC

Agencies I've worked with as a coach, mediator, or trainer

Visit Us

Eilers Avenue, Hyde Park

Austin, Texas 78751

Benefits of Nonviolent Communication

  • Deeper ability to connect to others and ourselves through empathy
  • Better understanding that everything we say or do is an attempt to meet universal, human needs
  • More openness to connect to feelings as messengers of needs met or unmet
  • More acceptance that some strategies are a tragic expression of unmet needs
  • More willingness to offer support for collaborative solutions, when needs are unmet

overcome conflicts and arguments in your relationships

Everything we think, say, and do is an attempt to meet a universal, human need.

We share the same human needs throughout space and time. People in China want respect, autonomy and connection just like people in Nigeria. The Aztecs and the Romans all wanted understanding, acceptance, support, just like we do. 

Because our needs are universal throughout space and time, we can understand each other. We understand what it is like to want love, belonging, safety. We have compassion for our shared humanity. 

One of the beauties of recognizing universal human needs is that they open up our capacity for mutual understanding and our options for collaboration. 

Strategies are specific ways to meet our needs.

Strategies are localized in space and time and idiosyncratic to each of us. Safety is a need, $60.000 net income a year a strategy to meet that need. A monastic for example does want safety — to be protected from harm. $60.000 net income a year doesn’t mean much to them. Having shelter and being free from persecution does.

UNIVERSAL, PRECIOUS, HUMAN NEEDS

Autonomy

  • to choose one’s dreams, goals, values
  • to choose one’s plan for fulfilling one’s dreams, goals, values

Celebration

  • to celebrate the creation of life and dreams fulfilled
  • to celebrate losses: loved ones, dreams, etc. (mourning)

Integrity

  • authenticity
  • creativity
  • meaning
  • self-worth

Interdependence

  • acceptance
  • appreciation
  • closeness
  • community
  • consideration
  • contribution to the enrichment of life (to exercise one’s power by giving that which contributes to life)
  • emotional safety
  • honesty (the empowering honesty that enables us to learn from our limitations)
  • love
  • reassurance
  • respect
  • support
  • trust
  • understanding
  • warmth

Play

  • fun
  • laughter

Spiritual Communion

  • beauty
  • harmony
  • inspiration
  • order
  • peace

Physical Nurturance

  • air
  • food
  • movement, exercise
  • protection from life-threatening forms of life: viruses, bacteria, insects, predatory animals
  • rest
  • sexual expression
  • shelter
  • touch
  • water

(c) Rosenberg, M. (2016), “Nonviolent Communication, a language of life”, California, USA: PuddleDancer Press, p. 54-55

Stay in touch

Read how Elly stumbles through life and learns how to practice empathy, mindfulness and compassion.

Our Blog

A bee is waking me up

A bee is waking me up

What is the difference between empathy and sympathy? And why do we even care? I believe empathy helps us to respectfully understand what others are experiencing. This helps with supporting them most constructively. Read what bees have to do with all of that.

A pole is not a pole

A pole is not a pole

When you reflect, before you react, you can increase the chance of true understanding. This in turn helps with collaboration and conflict resolution.

Taking the leap

Taking the leap

What kind of support do you need to reach your Big Hairy Audacious Goals? When we know failing doesn’t mean, we harm ourselves, it is that much easier to take risks and learn from the experience.

Shame, Creative Tension, and More

Shame, Creative Tension, and More

All my commitments fly out the window: “I reflect, before I react.” “I see the positive in every person and every situation.” “I accept myself unconditionally, especially when shame arises.” In a second. I have nothing left but a puddle of shock, fear, shame, and...