Coaching for Nonprofit Leaders

Based in Austin – Specialized in Empathy and Self-Compassion

Vic

Vic is the newbie on Seal Team Bravo, a character in a TV show I watch with my husband.

Vic has had a challenging childhood, missing love, acceptance, safety, a sense of family. When Vic is accepted into Bravo Team, he experiences brotherhood for the first time in his life.

In this episode, the team goes on a covert mission. Unwittingly, Vic throws a grenade in the room where the hostage is being held that the team is trying to rescue. The hostage dies and the mission ends in failure. The team faces serious scrutiny, maybe even charges. If anyone finds out about Vic’s mistake, his membership of Team Bravo will be in jeopardy.

So Vic makes his second mistake, he keeps his actions secret to stay on the team.

He makes his third mistake when his team sponsor and mentor Ray thinks that he, Ray, killed the hostage. We see how devastated Ray is when he imagines facing court-martial and being removed from the team he has been part of for the last 18 years of his life.

Vic chooses a strategy to meet his needs for belonging that violates his values of integrity, honesty, and responsibility. The error becomes a moral weakness.

Eventually video footage surfaces, and we see Vic was the one. Ray is off the hook. Vic is being dismissed from the team. Not only did he betray his own values, but his strategy didn’t even meet his needs. Instead of belonging to the team, he is discharged with shame and guilt.

Marshall Rosenberg calls that “a tragic expression of unmet needs”. We choose strategies to meet our beautiful, universal, human needs that end up sabotaging those very same needs.

I know all too well what that feels like. And you might too. Self-compassion helps with understanding the needs we were trying to meet. Honesty with personal growth when we see which values we violated. And support to discern which values are important and which needs would be effective to nurture those needs.

Would you describe yourself as someone who wants to honor their values and integrity, contribute to others, and nourish self-compassion?

Then you might enjoy coaching with me. I have 23 years of experience with and in nonprofits. And I have a personal practice of empathy, compassion, and mindfulness.

This is what Megan Elkins, Director, Talent Pipeline Success, Workforce Solutions in Austin says about working with me:

“I was just so pleasantly surprised at how much progress I could make. You know, being someone who pursues knowledge for my entire life, you know, I’m constantly trying to learn, constantly trying to self improve, I didn’t realize I had that much potential for growth. Both on like a social-emotional or an empathy scale, but also on a professional scale. I kind of didn’t realize that I had not yet peaked in my ability to communicate with others. And that’s something that was really insightful.”

If you sign up before June 1, you will be grandfathered in at my current fee of $100 per session. And because of Memorial Day, if you sign up for six, you will get one session for free.



What I am reading: Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl:

“Man’s search for meaning is the primary motivation in his life and not a “secondary rationalization” of instinctual drives. This meaning is unique and specific in that it must and can be fulfilled by him alone; only then does it achieve a significance which will satisfy his own will to meaning. Man is able to live and even die for the sake of his ideals and values.”

471

My foster daughter invites me to start an exercise discipline. We use the 7-Minutes app to do 13 exercises, each morning. We both do it at home and inspire each other to stick to the routine.

I say ‘yes’ to support her in her ambitions for a fit, strong body.

And I hate it.

Push-up, plank, lunges, wall sit, high stepping, push-up-and-rotation. I dread them all. There is absolutely nothing I like about it, and I don’t really care that I might get fitter or stronger.

But I continue for her. I then find that she had quit within a few months.

But by now I no longer experience the 13 exercises as so gruesome, or even unpleasant, and begin to like being more fit. I feel the boost of dopamine each time my app counts my new streak.

Even when I only have two hours of sleep during 27 hours of travel, or I have to get up at 6 am, or I am at the airport: I am now on a mission to do my seven minutes, no matter what!

At day 470 I feel super proud of myself. I am approaching 500!

Then I go for a hike with my nephew, we have lunch, and I go to the bathroom.

And I drop my phone in the toilet.

My phone stops working for 25 hours.

And I lose my streak.

No 471 for me.

I can start all over again.

In the past, I might have been so disappointed with myself that I would have given up.

But this time it is different. The 470 days in a row got me hooked enough to return to my routine the next day, even though the app starts at 0.

I realize that I am not exercising for the dopamine, the short-lived reward of the app count, or even to get stronger. I am practicing to build up self-discipline, to stick to a program whether I feel like it or not.

I am actually practicing living by my values and vision, whatever my circumstances, conditions, or conditioning are. I am nurturing what Viktor Frankl calls the ultimate freedom, the freedom to choose who we want to be, and how we want to respond in each instant of life.

You too might face situations that you dread. Struggling to do things because they are challenging. Starting conversations that might derail into more conflict.

Whether it is your interaction with a Director you see as too demanding of you. Or figuring out how to respond to a leader you think is self-serving. Or finding some mutual understanding in a leadership team that seems at odds with itself.

Or just hanging in there as you feel overwhelmed, frustrated, sad, maybe even tired enough to move on to an organization that is easier to work in.

Only for those situations, there is no app.

No simple instructions to go through the motions.

No celebration when you succeed at your commitments, whatever your circumstances.

My clients reach out to me when they want support to have those dialogues. To deepen understanding, find resolutions, and strengthen the team. I support leadership teams, boards, and organizations of all sizes. I share the tools and insights to help you find constructive solutions in conflict.

As a result, you will:

  • Be empowered to transform future conflict into constructive solutions 

  • See the beautiful motivation behind everyone’s actions

  • Understand the underlying causes of misunderstanding that lie at the root of the conflict

  • Build the trust that empowers working together toward a common goal

  • Clarify the priorities to align your team

  • Make requests with Santa-Claus energy

  • Learn to fail fast and forward

  • Walk away with strategies that increase the effectiveness

Talk to me if you want to discuss how this could help you and your organization. I have 23 years of experience with nonprofit organizations, I am a credentialed mediator, certified coach, and I have a lifelong commitment to nourish empathy and compassion:


Sofia Barbato, Director Supportive Services, Foundation Communities, Austin

“I think the other real benefit was just a different way of thinking about things. So thinking about when maybe there’s some conflict in a team meeting, thinking about that conflict in a different way and more as an opportunity to figure out how to collaborate. And I really liked the stuff that we did around Nonviolent Communication, really thinking about the needs and strategies. And I think once I started seeing conversations with people through that lens, it really changed those conversations and made them to be a little bit more collaborative. I felt like I had more empathy for the people that I was working with, whether that be co-workers or clients, and then be able to not even problem-solve, but just kind of solution-find together to figure out what met both people’s needs. And that the strategies sometimes are going to be different, but that we needed to really look at what are the actual needs that we were trying to address.”

Man’s Search for Meaning

Viktor Frankl survived Auschwitz, Theresienstadt, Kaufering and Turkheim.

In 1946 he wrote “Man’s Search for Meaning” in nine days.

Part one is a description of his experiences as a prisoner and slave.

Part two is an elaboration of the psychotherapy he developed: logotherapy, the therapy of meaning. 

I can only read the first part for a maximum of three minutes a day, early in the morning. I need the rest of the day to process the horrors I read and find some peace before going to bed.

The second part I can gobble down like a hungry baby thrush. I find it uplifting, inspiring, and encouraging. I feel excited to realize how much Positive Psychology, Acceptance & Commitment Therapy, and Stephen Covey owe Frankl’s work. I feel delighted to see the similarities between his teachings and those of my favorite Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh.

I keep reflecting on Frankl’s quote of Nietzsche:

“He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.”

I feel humbled to realize that Frankl came to see meaning as the driving force of life after he lost his position at a famous hospital in Vienne, his wife and their baby, his mother, his father, his brother, and all other immediate family members.

I also feel humbled to reflect on Frankl’s view that our lives are not the puppets of pathology described by Freud. We are not about resolving childhood issues. We are not determined by our conditioning or conditions. Our main purpose is not to have instant sexual gratification.

Our lives are first and foremost a search for meaning.

The question is not what we can ask of life, but what life is asking of us. If we suffer, are we worthy of our suffering? If we are happy, are we worthy of our happiness?

I am inspired to ask myself: How can I transcend my situation and contribute to others and the causes I care about?

Some of my clients work on exactly these questions. They have a vision of a world with equity, social and economic justice, understanding, empathy, and peace. They support people with mental health challenges, foster kids, the homeless, inmates, immigrants, future generations, the environment.

And they struggle with shrinking funding, daunting demand for their services, conflict among their staff, turnover, emergencies.

They keep on working. They show up strong for their team, they push through, no matter how overwhelmed, stressed out, frustrated, or stuck they feel.

I am grateful that I have a way to contribute to their lives, work, and purpose. My clients tell me that coaching offers them a place of reflection in the rush of the day.

An opportunity to reorient to self-care and self-compassion; to celebrate the growth they went through.

Or to find a place to talk freely through their issues without being expected to choose what is expected of them, instead of what they value.

And maybe most importantly, we work on understanding and accepting that maybe today, they did enough. That they are not solely responsible for the outcomes. That they can rest.

In coaching with me you can:

  • Learn tools to resolve conflict way faster

  • Nourish empathy to inspire key stakeholders

  • See the similarities between a bougainvillea and your needs

  • Learn from a vegan who gets the best dish in the steakhouse

  • Master failure applause

  • Accept your limitations and use Santa Claus to ask for what you want

Since last week was International Coaching Week, I offer a free session to anyone who signs up for six coaching sessions before May 31. So that is $600 for seven sessions.

Expensive?

If you see it as a cost, it is. If you see it as an investment in your effectiveness, creating the right results faster, it is not.

Talk to me if you want to see how coaching can help you be a more effective leader.

512-589-0482

elly@ellyvanlaar.com

schedule a spot

You already know enough?

Go ahead and sign up here.


This is what some of my clients have shared about working with me: 

“Some of the things that we did together I found very powerful, emotionally powerful. Elly always had creative and engaging exercises that helped me process challenges on emotional and cognitive levels.”

Niko Hilgerdt, Pedagogical Leader, Austin Waldorf School, Austin

“I’m earning more with a lot less stress, in less time and with more satisfaction. I feel really satisfied and fulfilled. I feel like I’m making a positive impact on not just the students at my school, but teachers around the area, the larger area of Austin and beyond.”

Eric Mann, Math and Computer Science Teacher, Longview School, Austin

“I think Elly role-models the way to be present to other people. So if I were going to be with someone else, how I might hear them deeply or listen more closely to what was going on in someone’s life. To maybe hear beyond the words. Maybe just be present to feeling what might be going on for the other person. So it not only helped me, but it helped me think about how I wanted to be with other people.”

Jen Collins, Associate Professor, Texas Tech University, Health Sciences Center 

“Elly’s genuineness in accepting all of my troubles, detail by detail, is felt. But the true wonder of being a collaborator with Elly goes straight to her core beliefs: she is an example that love and empathy will always save the day.”

Conor Jensen, Website Manager, Texas Bar Books, Austin

The squirrel and Superman

We don’t have a lot of songbirds here in Hyde Park, Austin.

We have Carolina wren, American robin, mockingbird, northern cardinal. And occasionally a tufted titmouse.

That’s about it. The rest are grackles, blue jays, doves.

To attract more singing birds, I hang up a bird feeder specifically designed for small birds.

And squirrels… evidently.

On the first day, the most audacious squirrel eats right through the plastic of the feeder tube and feasts on the food.

Gone, all of the seed.

No problem. I hang a plate over it, so he can’t access the feeder.

The next day I find that he can. Don’t ask me how, but I see him hanging at the bottom of the feeder, stuffing himself with seeds as if he is in the Garden of Eden.

Okay.

Game over. I plan to beat him with my human intelligence. I hang an aluminum lasagne pan over the plastic plate. This will make the top of the feeder so wobbly, that any attempt to swing around it to get at the feeder, will result in him losing his balance and falling to the ground.

Little did I know of the acrobatic tenacity of my squirrel superhero. I watch him while he figures out the wobbly aluminum pan. He tries this and that. He tries again. And ultimately he succeeds.

While I am sad about not having attracted any songbird, I am certainly inspired by this squirrel. He is a phenomenal example of a growth mindset, not being hindered by any limiting belief, 200% committed to achieving his goals.

Maybe you want some of that mindset yourself.

Maybe you feel stuck, because you have tried everything to inspire a key partner to contribute to the success of your mission and he still doesn’t return your calls. You feel frustrated and hopeless, and maybe consider giving up.

Or you really need focused time to work on your most essential priorities, and your team keeps interrupting you with urgent, but not so important issues. You feel depleted and overwhelmed.

Maybe your team meetings have a few talks all the time and your timid team members don’t get speak up. The atmosphere is contentious and you know you are not utilizing all the wisdom in the team.

Or your responsibilities are just exhausting you, and you want to change jobs but feel too scared to give up financial safety.

These are some of the things my clients have worked on. They created amazing results and found that the coaching was not just a worthwhile investment, it was also a much needed space to reflect on their values, get feedback and inspiration, and fail fast forward.

In honor of International Coaching Week, this May I offer anyone who signs up for six coaching sessions one extra free session. So that is $600 for seven sessions. Sign-up here.

P.S.: You want to see if this would be something for you? Schedule a free, discovery session.

P.P.S.: As of June 1, you pay $150 per session.

P.P.P.S.: You can use those seven sessions till November 15, 2020.

The professor is howling at the nurse

Every night at eight p.m. my neighbor across the street, a university professor, goes outside and howls.

So does the real estate broker from his backyard, And the owner of a radio station three doors away.

Even my neighbor, the nurse, goes outside to howl.

And yesterday, I did too.

It is the silliest thing I have done in a while. And I feel utterly amused.

Here we are, dressed in our home slack, howling at each other.

I can even hear people in other parts of our neighborhood howling.

The howling lasts just a few minutes. Afterward, we chat a little bit, and in eight minutes or so we go back inside, to whatever we were doing before the howl.

I know that in Italy, Spain, and the Netherlands people went outside at eight p.m. to applaud the nurses, doctors, and other front line people who keep us healthy, safe, and fed.

Here in Hyde Park, Austin, Texas we howl.

Maybe that’s the reason I like it so much. Because it doesn’t make any sense. It doesn’t contribute. It doesn’t help. It is silly, visceral, and we laugh and connect.

And we see each other from a new perspective. No serious talk about the virus, shopping, planting, politics. No updates about work and life. Normal people with regular jobs, doing something silly together.

In a way it reminds me of coaching.

My clients tell me that they value coaching because it helps them to see situations from a different perspective.

To look at their issues with fresh eyes.

To gain a deeper understanding of what is meaningful to them.

And to have space to reflect on priorities and values, beyond the daily rush of things.

You might like the idea.

And you might think that a coach is too expensive. My clients have that consideration too.

This is what Eric tells me afterward:

“It was absolutely worth my money. I feel like it was well-thought-out. The process was awesome. I was encouraged and challenged to do that kind of deep, reflective work. And the outcome of that has been worth it.”

Not only did he leave a job that wasn’t a fit for his aspirations, but he also found a job in which he is earning more with a lot less stress, in less time, and with more satisfaction.

While he had to pay a mortgage, and his wife was not earning any income because of maternity leave.

This was not a result of me being pushy or bully whipping him into shape.

This was the result of him being in a brave space, where he could authentically connect to himself, question his norms and assumptions, and have enough support to make unconventional choices.

You might not need any of that.

You might be good on your own, with family and friends supporting you.

But if you are curious how working with me could help you, you can schedule a free, discovery call with me.

Anyone who signs up for coaching with me will be grandfathered in my current fee of $100 per hour, as long as they coach with me at least once a month.

June 1, I raise my fees to $150 per hour.