by Elly van Laar | Jan 10, 2014 | Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
Angry? Focus on your breath
Thich Nhat Hanh has a simple four step process to support connection when we are angry.
The first is to bring our attention back to our breath; to notice where it is in our body, how it rises and falls. To continue doing this as long as anger is grasping us and to embrace the anger as if it is a crying baby that needs holding.
Hum. I can stop right here. I have failed this first step often enough. Yep. Sneaky moments where my mind told me Thich Nhat Hanh was wrong. That it was much better to slash out, yell, blame, disconnect.
Ànd I have had times when I followed Thich Nhat Hanh’s invitation and focused on my breath first. Then I was ready for the second step. Breathing in, breathing out, “Darling, I suffer, I am angry.”
Express your pain
‘What?! Darling?! Thich Nhat Hanh got thàt all wrong! My husband is a jerk, hè caused my anger, and he needs to be punished for my pain.’ No matter how much Nonviolent Communication I have under my belt, and how aware I am of emotional liberation, and the difference between cause and trigger of my feelings, this is thè exception. ‘My husband is not a darling, he is a jerk, and I a saint, and we need to be treated accordingly.’
So another breathe. In. Out. Looking him in the eye. Seeing a glimpse of a human being. A hunch of someone who loves me. Cares for me. Wants to support me. Breathing in. Feeling my anger. Breathing out. Feeling my suffering.
Applause for your failed efforts
Step three. I breathe in. I breathe out. “I’m trying, I’m really trying.”
Something softens in me. I feel my anger towards myself. That I screwed up my mindfulness practice, that I failed. And I feel compassion that I try, that I really try. To dissolve the habit energy of my anger, the years of practice slashing out. I do fall off the ‘mindfulness bike’ a lot. Like, rèally, a lot. And I get back up. After every failure. Trying loving speech when I am angry, again, and again, and again.
Courage to ask for help
Now I am ready for the last step. Breathing in, breathing out. “I need your help and support.”
I feel vulnerable. To own up to my pain. To acknowledge I am struggling. To tremble in that nakedness. Will he help? Or will he retaliate? Will he blame mè for yelling, slamming doors, running away? I want to be held. Seen for my humanity. For my struggles. And for my longing to connect.
I feel scared. And proud that I dare to ask for help.
Success guaranteed
Sometimes these four steps take a while. Often it takes my husband’s generous and empathic heart. And the process always works.
Thich Nhat Hanh is right. Just four steps to get us from anger to reconnection. Isn’t it fantastic?
by Elly van Laar | Jan 8, 2014 | Mindfulness, Personal Growth
In the last Kabbalah class our rabbi, Monty Eliasov, talked about the five levels of soul in Biblical Hebrew. The third level is the breath-soul. The soul of our breath, the breath of our soul.
Isn’t that interesting? I practice with my Buddhist community for years now, sitting in meditation and bringing my attention back to my breath, over and over again. In Hebrew terms I am connecting to my soul, again and again.
Whom would have thought that something so basic and simple as our breath is so profound and unique at the same time?
Connecting to our breath, and being inspired
My meditation has become more sacred now that I realize I am actually connecting to my soul. It is more than bringing my focus to the here and now. It is about listening to what my spirit is telling me in the quiet of the moment. It helps me to be inspired.
Did you know that spirit and soul are etymologically related? Spirit stems from the Latin “spiritus”, which actually means breath, soul. Just like the Hebrew Neshamah. The Romans must have learned with the Jews.
I always thought of inspiration as being full with the Spirit, being full with something outside myself. Now I understand inspiration is being full of me, of my breath, of my soul, of my spirit. My assignment in life is to connect to my breath, nourish my soul, and trust my own inspiration.
Even as I sit here, I have no clue what to write next. I just sit, and feel my belly rise. And fall. And rise again. I put down my pen. I look out the window. I see the trees. I feel the sun, and bring my attention back to my breath. And whatever thoughts come up (and there are many, many!!) I label them as ‘thinking’ and bring my attention back to my breath. To my soul, my spirit. Till I feel inspired and know what to write again.
Bring your attention back to your breath, to your soul
Traffic, of course, provides a perfect opportunity to connect to your breath. Someone cuts me off. I startle. I get angry. I blame. I yell. ‘You idiot!’ I want to slash back. I catch myself. I drop the accusations and retaliations, and feel my breath. I feel it stuck in my chest. I feel it relax with my attention. My breath goes slower, deeper, and I notice how scared I was. The anger is just a cover up for my fear. I get that. Instead of blame, I need to comfort myself. ‘Gosh, sweetie, that was scary. You almost got hurt in a car accident. Thank goodness, you are safe.’ And instead of tailgating, I slow down, and pay attention to traffic.
It was just a little moment of disconnection with my soul. Let’s bring her back in.
by Elly van Laar | Jan 7, 2014 | Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Personal Growth
Playing hide and seek
My niece and I used to play hide and seek. She would hide behind the curtain, and I would open a drawer and ask out loud “Is Floor here?”, then exclaim “No, she isn’t!”. Then open another drawer and ask the same question, and of course, give the same answer. Till I had opened all drawers and cabinet doors, and finally looked behind the curtains: “Oh, there she is!”. With surprise and delight, of course.
Floor loved it. As soon as she was found, she would tell me to hide behind the curtain, and open all drawers and cabinet doors. “Is Elly here? No, she isn’t!” Till she found me, with as much surprise and delight as I had done, of course. I loved it too.
Hiding behind a curtain of fear
As adults we often play this game too. Usually with less delight.
We hide behind a curtain of fear, self-doubt, resentment, negativity and despair. Then we complain that God isn’t here. (or our husband, friend, mom, sibling, colleague for that matter), because we can’t see Him. And whén the Spirit finds us, we pull the curtain closer, because we are too scared to be seen for whom we really are. We are sure that our nakedness will reveal our basic flaws. We cannot believe that our vulnerability shows only beauty and basic goodness.
Being our best self
Inspiration means to be filled with Spirit. To be filled with a sense of purpose, passion and presence. It means nothing more than letting God do Her part, let Her do what she does best: carry our worries, concerns, insecurity and anger. So that we can do our part: bringing our soul to life. We relax into the sense of support our breath gives us, and feel into what we truly want. We breath in, and listen to our heart. We hear her tell us what brings us alive. Even if this is a so-called “have to”, we can still feel with how much joy and gratitude we can do our task. Because we celebrate that we are alive, that we have this opportunity to contribute, that we have legs that carry us, and hands that touch. Because we can be the best street-sweeper to be found.
You can be your best self in any situation. Thàt’s being inspired.
Still saying God doesn’t exist? Drop your curtain, get into the arena of life, and show up as your vulnerable, authentic, beautiful self.
And feel inspiration take you to the next level.
I wish you a happy new year!
by Elly van Laar | Jan 2, 2014 | Acceptance, Compassion, Mindfulness, Personal Growth
No change is gonna happen, unless you have a vision of what you want more of in your life, that is positive and within you influence. Unless you have a goal, you’re not gonna move.
Saying “no” to your current situation is not enough.
Imagine your friend asks you to book a holiday for him. He tells you not to book a holiday to Syria. Now what? Do you have any idea what he does want? A sunny beach holiday in Mexico? A city trip to Los Angeles? A family visit to the Netherlands? It will be difficult to organize a holiday that he likes.
How can you do a don’t?
I like to share a visualization exercise with you, to help you connect with what you do want (gratitude to Francois Beausoleil).
Find a quiet, private spot.
Find a comfortable position. Relax. Maybe close your eyes. Bring your attention to your breath. Notice how it flows through you.
Let your attention drift into the future. Say, 6 months from now. You’ll find another version of yourself. Slightly different, in important ways. Feel what it’s like to be that future self. Breathe exactly as they would. See through their eyes. Feel how good their experience feels.
You might feel gratitude for the way they live their lives. The people they serve, the friends they have. It seems simple and obvious to them to share their deepest values, dreams and beliefs with those around them. They let go of some of the negative, old beliefs they had. Beliefs that limited them.
What have you done that led you to that place? You have learned some important key elements to get there. You have alignment between your vision, your inner world, and what you do.
As you keep breathing through your future self, you take three snapshots from your future life. Maybe feedback from someone who is grateful for how you served them. Maybe your friends and family, celebrating your existence. Maybe the house you always wanted. Maybe a feeling of joy, peace, love. Take three snapshots from your future life, and take them with you in this moment.
Now travel your attention half way and above the time line between the two versions of yourself. You see the entire 6 months. Feel appreciation for all the learning you achieved, all the actions you took, all the challenges you overcame.
Step again in the future version of yourself, and from that future version make eye contact with your current self. With a smile, pass a small gift from the future version to your current self. Something only known by the two of you. As your current self receive it with gratitude.
Relax. Breathe in and out. You are fully into the current version of yourself. You are connected to your current experience. You accept the smile, the gift, the insight you received.
You bring your attention back to this moment, this place. Open your eyes, and be here.
A happy new year!
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Contact me if you want support to take a first step to your future self, 512 589 0482
by Elly van Laar | Dec 31, 2013 | Acceptance, Compassion, Mindfulness, Personal Growth
When I talk about change, I actually talk about growth. We cannot change into someone we’re not, we want to grow more fully into whom we are.
A bougainvillea might rather want to be an oak tree. She can work as hard as she can on becoming one, and she never will. She’ll always be a bougainvillea. That’s her nature.
She can become the best bougainvillea she can be. And if that’s what she wants, two strategies are essential: to maximize her nourishment, and to maximize her protection from harmful influences. With nourishment and protection she will naturally bloom and blossom, and become the abundant flowering plant she is meant to be.
Humans are much the same. Carl Rogers, the founder of human psychology, calls that self-actualization. The natural tendency to become more open to whom we are, what we are experiencing, and how we are relating to the world. It is the process of becoming more fully ourselves.
In this process there is no stage, no experience that is not welcomed. We don’t rush the little seedling to grow up. Or the flower to bear fruit. Or the fruit to ripen into new seed. We enjoy every stage for the beauty and uniqueness it holds right now.
In this sense growth is much like mindfulness. We accept our experience and appreciate every stage of our life. Even if we don’t like it. We embrace our stress, resentment, and anger and look into it.
We look into the conditions that give rise to our experience. Once we understand the conditions, we can remove any hindrances to our growth. Thich Nhat Hanh talks about wrong perception. Byron Katie offers The Work. Then we can see our lives as experiments in growth. We observe our thinking, speech and actions, and analyze the results. And when we notice something doesn’t work that well, we have a choice to change that behavior. So that we may all be happy, healthy and safe.
I wish you a happy and joyful New Year’s Eve.
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You want help bringing compassion, healing and integration in your life? Contact me, 512 589 0482
by Elly van Laar | Dec 29, 2013 | Acceptance, Compassion, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
You want to change, and you’re failing. You try, you struggle, and finally give up. Your mind tells you: “Ah, it was not so important after all.” “It is too hard, it is just impossible.” “You don’t have time for it anyway.” “Your dreams are too big, you are not worth it.” Your mind has all kind of good reasons to stop trying. That’s what minds do: maintaining homeostasis, maintaining the status quo. You’ll just never wear these skinny jeans, you’ll never be a compassionate Bodhisattva, you’ll never make enough money.
Feelings of disappointment, self-judgment and criticism arise as you acknowledge that you are not the person you want to be, and might never be. Peter Senge calls that emotional tension. It often leads to lowering your vision, bring it closer to your current situation. This helps lessen the tension, and the anxiety. Personal masters are those who use this emotional tension creatively. Instead of bringing their vision closer to their current situation, they use the tension to think of steps that bring their current situation closer to their vision. Emotional tension becomes creative tension.
Personal masters are brutally honest about their reality ànd hold on to their vision. Personal masters have compassion with themselves, and excitement about their dreams.
We all want to be personal masters. We all have dreams of togetherness, compassion, contribution. We all want to strive for what is good, pure and wholesome for all of us.
We often aren’t.
This week is dedicated to change. I will support you taking steps towards strengthening your mastery skills. So that you can transform the emotional tension into creative tension, and create the life you love. So that you can honor your dreams and hold on to them, even if evidence seems to indicate that they are unattainable.
This week, at the turn of the year, we’ll take a step towards our dreams. Together.
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Contact me, if you want my help to bring more self-compassion, healing and integration in your life.
