by Elly van Laar | Jan 26, 2014 | Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication
Why do I blog?
It is the first assignment in the WordPress Zero To Hero Challenge to build a better blog in 30 days. Why do I blog instead of writing a personal journal? What are my blogs about? Whom do I love to connect with through my blogs? If I blog successfully throughout 2014, what would I hope to have accomplished?
All kinds of socially correct answers swirl through my head.
But the truth, is I started to blog to attract more visitors to my website and turn them into clients. I wanted to raise my income.
Frequently adding pages to your website tells the search engines your website is current. Writing about the same topics tells them your website is relevant, and voilà, your website shows up higher in the search results.
And the challenge to write 50,000 words in one month.
Bang.
Straight back to my lifelong ambition to become a published author.
Finally.
A book about marriage. How to transform anger, resentment and jealousy into love and connection. How Nonviolent Communication helps. Mindfulness. Compassion.
Bang.
The core three elements of my business. This work is my road to success, I can feel it in my bones.
As I write, and write, and write, I get less and less excited. I often struggle in my marriage. I am not a textbook example of transforming anger, resentment and jealousy. How can I tell others how to do that?
How am I different from all the other experts in this field? I have no clue. If this is not my specialty, what is?
Know yourself
Then I remember Socrates quote, Gnothi seauton: “But I have no leisure for them (=mythology) at all; and the reason, my friend, is this: I am not yet able, as the Delphic inscription has it, to know myself; so it seems to me ridiculous, when I do not yet know that, to investigate irrelevant things.” (Wikipedia). If Socrates tells us to understand ourselves, who am I to doubt that that is an honorable thing to do?
So I decide to write about my experiences on the path of deepening mindfulness and expanding compassion. About my stumbling steps, my faltering failures, and my small successes. About my enthusiasm and dedication to this path.
I hope my blog inspires and encourages you to continue on yours.
And grow the wave of mindfulness and compassion enthusiasts together
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You want to explore how I can help you with your mindfulness and compassion practice? Contact me for a complimentary, discovery session 512-589-0482.
Image courtesy to Creative Commons
by Elly van Laar | Jan 24, 2014 | Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Personal Growth
Visualize your desired result
“Ik ben een kanjer!” I yell, as I park in the driveway last night. “I am a hero!”. Or something like that.
I had just succeeded driving home safely through 10 miles of sleet, freeze, and storm. Over bridges, through winding roads, down the 23% hill to our house.
I was scared all the way.
I am not used to drive through such weather on hilly, winding, unsalted roads. Dutch roads are flat, straight, and immediately taken care of by government agencies when it starts to snow.
I applied my battalion of fear-reassuring tricks. Singing, focusing on my breath, thanking God for a safe drive, visualizing my warm and welcome homecoming.
Take your first step
The funny thing was, I was a more responsible driver, because of that tenacious determination to arrive home safely. I was so intent on keeping myself from an accident and my car from wreckage, that I carefully took all the necessary steps to make that happen. My desired end result was so clear, that I only needed to reason back from that end situation to my now to find the steps that would get me there.
I am noticing it with my application for the Order of Interbeing too. I haven’t even applied, I haven’t told my Dharma teacher, I haven’t asked my Sangha. And my visualization of whom I want to be is so clear, my commitment so conscious, that I can track all the steps my future self took to get there. All the thoughts, words and actions my future self took to come into existence.
Isn’t it wonderful? It’s it simple? Imagine your future self, and track back the steps your future self took to come into existence. And take that first step. Just that first step.
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You want help to figure out your first step? Contact me for a complimentary, discovery session 512-589-0482 or email me
by Elly van Laar | Jan 23, 2014 | Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth
How do we make commitments we can honor? I hope these six steps will help you.
1. Connect to the underlying needs you’re trying to serve
In my desire to be an aspirant-member of the Order of Interbeing I try to nurture my need for help on my path of mindfulness and compassion. It also supports a need for belonging to a group I feel welcome and at home. I have a need for contribution, to use my practice to benefit others and relief suffering. There is a need for peace, to be more open and accepting of reality, and more joyful of what is in this moment, instead of what I want it to be. And there is a need for harmony and trust. This community handles conflicts with such peace, ease and grace.
2. Brainstorm other strategies
Write all your needs down on a big piece of paper, step back and look at the overall picture. Are there other strategies that might support all those needs?
I see my needs for support, community, belonging, contribution, peace, harmony and trust, and wonder which other strategies would nurture those needs. My marriage, moving back to the Netherlands, seeking certification with the Center for Nonviolent Communication? I don’t see they support all of my needs. This choice stands out as the best.
Maybe more needs come up at this stage. Jot them down, and re-do step 2. Do they reinforce your choice, or change your strategy? I realize my need for purpose and clarity reinforces my choice for being an aspirant-member.
If you have more strategies available, you can use the polarity matrix to check which one stands out.
3. Imagine yourself six months from now, after your commitment
Look at your future self, and feel, see, hear, taste, smell all the aspects of your life. What are your experiences, activities, surroundings? Do you like this future version of yourself? Do you get excited and enthusiastic to be that person? If so, go on with step 4. If not, this is not the right strategy.
4. Sleep on it
Let it go. Repeat “Everything is in divine order, everything will be resolved in God’s love and wisdom” or anything else that rings true. Trust your subconscious’ wisdom and guidance. Relax in the miracles of sleep.
5. Express your intention
You wake up with the same commitment? Express your intention to an accountability partner. Someone who is willing to check if this is really what you want. Hearing yourself express out loud what you want to commit to, will help surface any fears, hopes, reservations and longings. With empathy you can address them and include them in your choice.
6. Commit!
Go for it! That is the only way to know you made a true commitment. Even if it turns out to be the wrong choice, you can celebrate your sincere intention to consciously commit.
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You want help to clarify your commitments? Contact me for a complimentary, discovery session 512-589-0482
by Elly van Laar | Jan 22, 2014 | Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
Life isn’t a business to be managed, it is a mystery to be lived
I breathe in
I indulge in the beauty of my view. It is like a big movie screen of nature. Trees, rocks, the hill. A blue sky, full with birds. I haven’t seen this many birds in a long time.
I breathe out
I feel so grateful. That I have this opportunity to sit and watch the trees, the sun, the birds. That I have fingers that can write. That I have friends who support and encourage me. Who see the beauty of my essential Elly-ness. “Humble and excited”, that’s what my friend saw in me as I talked about the small, successful steps I’m taking in expanding my business.
I breathe in
A bird catches a butterfly. The butterfly flies off. The bird catches up with him. It takes him a full minute to succeed eating him.
I breathe out
Such a spaciousness. Such a joy to be alive. No where to go, nothing to do. Just sitting here, and enjoying life, my breath, this moment.
I breathe in
I have finally decided to ask my Sangha if they will accept me as an aspirant member in the Order of Interbeing. I have been contemplating this choice ever since I first saw Thich Nhat Hanh. I have always postponed it. I don’t have enough time, it is too big a commitment, I am not mindful enough.
I breathe out
All of those thoughts might be true, my Sangha might not even accept my application. That is fine with me. It is not about the result, it is about the excitement of making a choice. Of freeing the energy stuck in thinking about a choice, and taking a step.
I breathe in
It might not be the right path. I might get stuck. The path might not lead anywhere. But it still is a path, and I am moving. I am creating an opportunity to learn, and get feedback for the consciousness and choices I make.
I breathe out
My dad told me to get into action. To get away from my desk, designing my business. To call anyone who might have an interest working with me. He is a wise man. It helped so much. To take a step and learn from it.
I breathe in
I am ready to climb a tree. For the fun of it. Life isn’t a business to be managed, it’s a mystery to be lived (Osho, Zen Tarot).
I breathe out
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You want help to take your next step? Contact me for a complimentary, discovery session 512-589-0482
by Elly van Laar | Jan 20, 2014 | Acceptance, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication
Time for celebration
Today I want to celebrate my successful implementation of Thich Nhat Hanh’s Beginning Anew!
Avoid conflict
I have been part of a small group of Nonviolent Communication coaches/trainers. We talk on the phone once a week. I value the level of support, encouragement and integrity I find in this group. And yet, somehow, I started to dread the conversations, more and more.
My favorite strategy when something doesn’t work for me is to disengage, then disconnect. I am well-trained at that. Rescheduling calls, not making them, coming up with a lame excuse that I am too busy and have to quit. Stuff like that.
I love that strategy!
Trying something new
This time I decide to try something different. I decide to express my dread and take it from there. I’m gonna use Thich Nhat Hanh’s three steps of Beginning Anew, and use Nonviolent Communication to express myself in feelings and needs.
I first ask Priya and Adam if they are okay if I talk about our group interaction, using Thich Nhat Hanh’s steps.
I start to sweat, feel anxious, see doom scenario’s of how they will react. I am absolutely sure I will be rejected, criticized, discarded. (Yep, these are not feeling words, these are feelings mixed in with a thought, but you get the picture of the racing dialogue in my head).
I did not expect to hear “Sure! We would love to listen and support you. Take your time. We’re here for you.”
I take the first step: appreciate what I like in the connection, maybe even in the current situation. That is their commitment to empathize with me, their willingness to open up to my struggle, their ability to hold my fear and anxiety with compassion.
They reflect me back. They guess my feelings and needs. They give me space to talk.
I’m starting to relax. A thought pops up in my head: “Maybe it is possible to express myself authentically and still belong and be accepted? Maybe I can find a balance between autonomy and togetherness?”
I didn’t get to the next two steps: expressing my regret for my own behavior, and sharing what actually bothers me. I don’t mind. We will continue this Friday.
Try it for yourself
I feel relieved, open and trusting. I get the brilliance of Thich Nhat Hanh’s advice to start with appreciation. It builds relationship, a safe container for our feelings and needs. It supports seeing the other person as human, instead of the enemy in our head. We can see the positive in them, the good, the pure, the beauty, beyond anything that doesn’t work for us. They are not enemies, or obstacles to our happiness. They are human beings in their own right.
I feel excited about our next group call. I would never have believed that that was possible. It is. Try it for yourself.
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You want help to begin anew, with yourself or someone else? Contact me for a complimentary, discovery session, 512-589-0482
by Elly van Laar | Jan 17, 2014 | Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
I joined a virtual writers community
884 Members. Bloggers who encourage, inspire and help each other get their books published.
I read that you should join a writers community if you want to have your book published.
And I do!
I want hundreds of people standing in line, waiting to get my book autographed. I want the phone ringing like crazy with publishers dying to publish my book. I want to be the most wanted guest in any important talk show.
You get it? I want to be famous, meaningful and influential.
So I joined a community, as suggested.
I now have 884 co-authors who will applaud me, cherish me, and promote my work.
884 Authors who want the favors returned
Competitors who want to sell their stuff to the same audience. An audience who can only read so much. One book at a time. Their book.
Scarcity
I feel scared. There is not gonna be enough fish in this ocean. Someone is gonna starve. Me.
This whole writing ambition triggers my sense of scarcity. I have been repeating “I am enough. I do enough. I have enough”, over and over again. At least a couple of minutes a day. I loved singing it.
Now I feel how I don’t believe it is true. How my system reacts “No, you don’t. You can certainly pretend you are enough, but you most certainly don’t do enough. Let alone have enough. Don’t fool yourself! Go for a walk in the woods, and feel happy and contained. But remember: once you’re home, you’ll crash with two feet on the ground and face up to reality: there is not enough for everyone.”
My thoughts float like a leaf on the river
Steven Hayes and Spencer Smith write about having your thoughts, not being them (Get Out of Your Head & Into Your Life, 2005). Creating a little space between your thought and your identity. No attachment to having them, or not having them. Just seeing them as they pop up in your head.
I can do that. I can watch the thoughts of scarcity drift by, like leaves on a river. I don’t need to jump on the leaf, nor do I need to push it away.
I can just watch the thought. And see the beauty of it. It’s monstrous, consuming presence. How unique! Fascinating. I am a tornado chaser of thoughts. I am so excited to watch it, that I don’t even think of running away from it. Bring it on, baby!
Nothing to be scared of. Nothing to resist. Just a thought. Rising and floating on a river. It is a thought, not me.
Commitment to my dreams
In this non-fighting that arises, I experience space and freedom to pursue my dream and applaud others do the same.
I am happy I joined this group of fellow-travelers. I am ready to cherish, inspire and encourage them. May we all write magnificent stories. For magnificent readers.
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You want help observing your feelings and thoughts, not being them? Contact me for a complimentary, discovery session. 512-589-0482
