by Elly van Laar | Feb 19, 2014 | Compassionate Communication, Marshall Rosenberg, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth
My friend is unhappy at work. She wants her boss to understand her troubles and acknowledge their shared responsibility in the problems. She hopes this will inspire him to support her finding a position where she will be seen and appreciated for her qualities.
Current conversations haven’t helped. She wants my advice how to proceed.
I tell her that I would start with “Beginning Anew”, and use feelings and needs language. As I talk, I notice that she grows quiet. I ask her how this idea lands with her.
It doesn’t. At all. She is sick and tired of having to listen first, of being the empathic and compassionate one. So far it turned out that her listening ended any conversation. The other responds to her accurate reflections of feelings and needs with “Exactly, that’s it” and walks away. No interest in her experience. No intention to include her needs.
I understand my friend.
Listening is just another strategy for connection. Reflecting feelings and needs can help to establish trust and understanding.
And it might not be sufficient.
Nonviolent Communication is not very nonviolent if it sustains an imbalance in resources. It is not very nonviolent if it excludes the needs of some and emphasize the needs of others. It is not very nonviolent if it silences the have-nots and favors the haves.
Sometimes we need self-expression as a strategy for connection. Sometimes we need to “scream in giraffe” (a term coined by Marshall Rosenberg) to be heard. Sometimes we need to take action to make sure all needs are included, also ours. Peace, connection, understanding are not possible if not all needs are supported.
Let’s practice using NVC to express our anger and unmet needs AND maintain connection. Let’s practice using NVC to support ALL needs. Let’s practice using NVC to awaken our awareness that our needs are interdependent, and that none can be happy if not all are happy.
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You want to learn to scream in giraffe? Contact me 512-589-0482. I would be excited to work with you!
by Elly van Laar | Feb 18, 2014 | Mindfulness, Self-compassion
“In the practice of mediation, an upright posture is extremely important. Having an upright back is not an artificial posture. It is natural to the human body. When you slouch, that is unusual. You can’t breathe properly when you slouch, and slouching is also a sign of giving in to neurosis. So when you sit erect, you are proclaiming to yourself and to the rest of the world that you are going to be a warrior, a fully human being.” (Shambala, the Sacred Path of the Warrior, Chogyam Ttrungpa, 2007, 18-26).
Trungpa gives us the following instruction for sitting meditation: we focus our attention on our out-breath, and adjust our posture on our in-breath. When a thought arises, we label it ‘thinking’ and bring our attention back to our breath. This harmonizes body and mind.
I love proclaiming my spot, my humanity, my warriorship, so this morning I’m gonna pay special attention to adjusting my posture to regal position on every in-breath.
I follow my out-breath and adjust my posture on my in-breath, I follow my out-breath. ‘I’m a warrior. I like that.’ ‘Thinking’: right on the spot!
I follow my out-breath and adjust my posture on my in-breath. ‘Garbanzo beans and broccoli. Enough protein. Enough vitamins. Hum. Not so yummy. Too dry. Maybe add tomatoes?’ ‘Thinking’ ‘I got that one too!’
Back to out-breath, adjust posture. ‘Tempeh is too dry, too. Good for protein, not for taste. I don’t have veganaise, so how shall I make it more creamy? Oh! I have tempeh sausages! Super! That is so yummy! It adds bite, flavor, protein. Perfect combination!’ I feel relieved and satisfied with my breakfast solution. Really satisfied. I’m looking forward to eating it. Minutes pass before I even notice how entangled I am in my thoughts. When I finally notice, I feel so disoriented that I don’t even label my thoughts as ‘thinking’. I go straight back to my out-breath, posture and in-breath.
Gosh, I knew mediation is hard work, and I never expected it to be this hard. “It has to be on the dot, right on the dot.”
Let that be my practice, to be on the spot, right on the spot.
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You want help to be on the spot, right on the spot? Contact me 512-589-0482. I would love to share my practice with you.
by Elly van Laar | Feb 15, 2014 | Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth
I take my commitments very seriously. My yes is a ‘yes’ forever. At least, as long as they work for me. If they don’t, I do my utmost best to make them work until I give up and walk away. Just like that. “I want a divorce.” “I’ve found another job and am gonna leave.” “I’m moving to the USA and won’t be your big sister anymore.”
Balancing autonomy and togetherness
Gosh. Even after all those years, it hurts. My heart aches with all the broken commitments that were so important to me. I wished I had known thén what I am starting to learn now: how to balance my need for autonomy and pursuing my own dreams and my need for connection and supporting what you want.
I suck at that. I tend to accommodate others. And if my needs go unfulfilled for too long I assert them. And forget those of others in the process. I just can’t believe that I can have my autonomy ànd our togetherness.
Asking support for our needs
So when I noticed how overwhelmed I feel with all the empathy calls, mediation triads and business support groups I’m in, I decide to drop one. Just tell my colleagues “Hey, I need more spaciousness, I have too much on my plate, I’m getting out of here.”
And so I do. I tell Adam that I want to end my participation in our collaboration. He empathizes with me. Then I ask how that lands for him. (I have come that far!) He feels sad and a sense of loss, he values our connection. As I listen to him and feel touched by his feelings and needs, something dawns on me. Something new I learned in Mediate Your Life. What if I include his needs in my choice? What if we work together to find a strategy that supports all needs? Not just mine, not just his, but ours?
I feel surprised. This is new territory for me. Instead of dumping my choice and running away, I engage the other person in finding a strategy that works for both of us. I let the results follow the relationship.
Including all needs leads to better solutions
It works out beautifully. We decide to talk once a month, and experiment with a new format. Then evaluate and maybe adjust the agreement. This solution is better than anything I thought of before, because it not only supports our needs for autonomy and connection, but also for learning and challenge.
Gosh, it sounds so simple. It probably is. But for me it is revolutionary: I can hold on to what is important to me ànd maintain the connection. I can have the best of both worlds.
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You want help to change your commitments? Contact me 512-589-0482. I would be excited to brainstorm together how to do that ànd include the needs of others.
by Elly van Laar | Feb 14, 2014 | Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
10:30, I am excited. My first mediation triad! An opportunity to mediate my own conflict! Mediating your own stuff might not sound yummy to you, but to me it sounds empowering. If I have the tools, skills and consciousness to navigate difficult conversations -especially those where I think my sense of worth and mattering are on the table- I am sure that I can create happy, healthy and safe relationships with anyone I want.
We start with me being the disputant, Faith as my counterpart and Candace as the mediator.
It works fine. I’m getting my point across, and I understand what Faith -as my counterpart- is saying.
Then we change seats. I am the mediator, Faith is me, and Candace is my counterpart. Faith -as Elly- starts to speak. I am immediately triggered by what she says, and especially how she says it. It sounds very much like me, but not the ‘me’ I want to be. And certainly not the ‘me’ I want to be seen.
I move to the self-connection chair. An empty chair next to me, where I can move on to, when I am triggered. To practice such a safe space in my own mind. And while I sit there, I focus on my breath. Real simple. One breath in, one breath out. Then I focus on my feelings. One breath in, one breath out. I feel anxious and scared. Then I connect to my needs. One breath in, one breath out. I want acceptance for who I am, from others, and certainly from myself. Then I switch back to the mediator seat.
During this whole self-connection practice, I listen to Faith playing me. I reflect her back and check if I get her, to nurture her need to be heard.
This self-connection practice doesn’t take me out of connection, it takes me more deeply in it. It expands it, by adding self-connection to it. While I am connecting to you, I am connecting to myself as well. And this self-connection helps me to bring the full me to the table, all of me. My fears, frustration, sadness, joy, anything I feel and need in this moment. And the awareness that those are just experiences in this moment, that I am more than that.
It enriches the connection to an extent that I find surprising. You don’t need to express what is happening inside, as long as you get it yourself and you embrace it with compassion.
It allows you to acknowledge your pain, and putting it on hold for now, and relate to the other from the heart, instead of from your subconscious trigger.
And that creates a whole lot of freedom, and a whole lot of loving.
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You want help to practice self-connection in the heat of the moment? Contact me 512-589-0482. I am honored to help you.
Thank you, Ike Lasater and John Kinyon for this practice and insight.
by Elly van Laar | Feb 6, 2014 | Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth
“I am at my Plum Blossom Sangha retreat. We are with 700 or more people at a beautiful location. One member handmade chocolate bonbons for everyone. There are at least 60 left, after we all take one. I am impressed with her efforts and ability to make so many treats. I get stressed making a cake for four friends.
I leave the retreat with inner calm, peacefulness and joy of being part of this beloved community. I am stepping out into the world energized and confident that I can respond with mindfulness and compassion to anything on my way.
As I approach the bridge over the large, wide river, I see a bunch of 10-year old boys with cats and kittens in their arms. They’re standing on the bridge, watching their friends swim in the river 60 feet below. I feel touched. What a sweet sight to see this rowdies care for those cats.
Then, all of a sudden, one boy throws his cat in the river. The cat panics, he hardly can stay afloat and almost drowns. I am horrified. I get so angry that I yell and scream at the boy. He is not impressed. He doesn’t care about the terror of the cat at all. He is rather amused with it.
Finally, I grab him by his neck and throw him in the river. I want him to feel what he did to the cat. I want him to be compassionate.
I feel ashamed as I walk off. How can I respond with such anger to the lack of compassion? What kind of Sangha-member am I that I can’t extend my compassion to the uncompassionate one? What happened to my carefully crafted mindfulness?”
As I wake up from my dream, I realize that I cannot inspire compassion in others, unless I embrace their sadist part. As long as I am stuck in repulsion, I cannot extend an open heart and invite them to relieve the suffering of all beings, instead of contributing to it.
And I realize that I cannot embrace their torturous pleasure, if I cannot embrace those parts within myself.
“Approach what you find repulsive, help the ones you think you cannot help, go to places that scare you.”
This dream makes it crystal clear where my repulsive and scary places are: within myself.
by Elly van Laar | Feb 5, 2014 | Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth
My sister had great advice for me the last time I visited the Netherlands: do even less.
I immediately implement it. At the Nonviolent Communication retreat, I continuously stop myself in my tracks, in my well-developed habit of speaking or doing if no one else does, and ask myself ‘Why do I want to say this?’ ‘Why do I want to do that?’
It takes a while, before I can answer those questions. I have such a strong habit of being helpful, I am so used to making sure everyone is happy, that I only can say that doing much is a strong pattern.
The why behind the doing
After a day or so, I connect to the ‘why’. I just want to belong, be accepted, and be seen. And I have learned that being helpful, kind, funny are great ways to get a sense of acceptance. I can not imagine I will matter, belong and be appreciated, unless I actively work on getting them.
‘I don’t get anything, unless I work hard for it.’
So here I am at the retreat, asking myself non-stop ‘Why?’ And then stop, focus on my breath, feel into my experience. And leave it at that. Only talk and act if I have a wildly enthusiastic impulse to speak or act.
The relief in the not-doing
That what I fear, is not happening. People don’t fall apart, the world doesn’t collide into catastrophe, I am not blamed for all the suffering in the room. Nothing terrible happens if I don’t speak or do something. The world does perfectly fine with me just sitting on my spot, enjoying my breath and the life in and around me.
The acceptance and appreciation for being you
A burden is taken of my shoulders. I am not responsible for everyone’s well-being. People can take care of themselves, of each other, yes, even of me. I can relax, lay back, and see everyone doing their own thing. And be part of the gang. Just by being me. Laughing wholeheartedly when I feel amused, showing my vulnerability, being present when someone cries. Just being me brings me everything I want.
I never received as much appreciation as at that retreat.
I did less, and was more. That was enough.
Try it for yourself: do less and be more. You’ll love it.
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If you want help letting go of your habit of having-to-do: Nonviolent Communication is a perfect tool to work on that. I am happy to coach you in those skills. Contact me 512-589-0482.
