by Elly van Laar | Mar 6, 2014 | Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication
We’re in Hoppin House, Maya, Kiran, Georgia and I. We have a blast. We just played in the foam pit, and now I’m taking a break. I sit at the table, enjoying my tea, when Maya comes up to me. Her face is red, she seems agitated. “Elly, this kid (pointing at a boy on a slide) just told me ‘fuck off’, and you have to do something about it. You have to talk to the mom (pointing at a group of adults a table away). He has to apologize… I’m not kidding, he said that, really!” Georgia fiercely shakes her head. “I heard him say that too!”
I see how upset she is, and how important it is for her to receive respect. I want to honor her feelings and needs. And I am not looking forward to walk up to this table with six adults “Hey, your kid said “f… off”, and he needs to apologize.” Some of them are broad-shouldered and tattooed, and I don’t know what their communication style is. I’m not sure if my needs for safety and acceptance are gonna be met.
“Maya, I see how upset you are and I get that you want to be able to play in a way that brings respect and safety. I want that for you too. I’m gonna sit for five minutes and think about how I can talk to the parents, so that we create friendship, instead of more conflict. You can continue to play in the meantime.” Maya seems okay with that, and runs off.
I breath in and out. I don’t want to talk with the parents at all. I don’t like conflict, and I rather walk away from it. Especially when I am by myself, and they are with six.
Yet, at the same time I want to support Maya’s needs for respect and safety. I also want to show her that she matters enough to take action and overcome my fear of conflict. Even if that feels uncomfortable. And I want to figure out a way that supports the needs of the parents and the kid, maybe for respect, safety, and acceptance, just like us.
(This post is a little experiment: I split it up in two parts: one today, and the other tomorrow. Read more tomorrow!)
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Want help to address conflict in a way that creates connection? Contact me 512-589-0482. I would be honored to work with you on that.
by Elly van Laar | Mar 5, 2014 | Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth
You want to ask for a raise. You have been working in this job for several years, and you know you add value. You want appreciation for the unique qualities you bring to your clients, you want acknowledgment for the results you’ve created, and you want support for your financial sustainability.
You feel anxious even thinking about it. You feel scared they’ll say ‘no’. You feel afraid you won’t get support for your needs, because they don’t really care about you. You ask, they say ‘no’, and that’s it. Done and finished. Thank you so much, and goodbye.
Gosh, asking certainly has been a challenge for me. I often skipped the asking part, went straight into demands or into disconnection, too afraid to hear ‘no’.
In the Mediate Your Life retreat we did a very helpful exercise: ‘the need behind the no’. You express your feelings and needs and make a present-tense, action-oriented, positive-language request. Your practice partner says ‘no’. If you are triggered, you can move to the mediator chair and do a self-connection practice. As soon as you are calmer, you ask your partner which needs would be unfulfilled if they would say ‘yes’. And then you invite them to think of something that would support those needs and your needs.
To you it probably sounds as simple as 1+1=2. For me it was an eye-opener. Invite your partner to work with you on finding strategies that work for everyone. Not just for them, not just for you, but for everyone. Make it a collaborative effort, a mutual partnership to nurture all underlying, human needs. What a shift from thinking that I alone was responsible for figuring it out. What a change from thinking that it was either/or.
Let’s apply this insight right away. With you.
When I imagine you’re reading this blog, I feel tender, shy and happy, as my needs for appreciation, connection and to be known for my work are being met. My request is that you sign up as a follower of my blog to nourish these needs. If you have already done so, I ask you to share my blog with someone else. If you say ‘no’ to my request, which needs do you think would be unmet by saying ‘yes’? And what do you think would work better to support both our needs?
I would love to read/hear your response! (And I want to acknowledge how tender I feel just asking. I imagine I am not the only one who feels vulnerable when asking. There is a rawness of the open heart when we share what we truly want.)
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You want to learn to work with the need behind the ‘no’? Contact me 512-589-0482. I would be humble to work with you.
by Elly van Laar | Mar 3, 2014 | Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
Listening to the bell, I feel my afflictions
begin to dissolve.
My mind is calm, my body relaxed.
A smile is born on my lips.
Following the bell’s sound,
my breathing guides me back
to the safe island of mindfulness.
In the garden of my heart,
the flower of peace blooms beautifully.
Namo Shakyamunaye Buddhaya
Thich Nhat Hanh, The Great Bell Chant, Youtube
I sit on my meditation cushion. I breathe in and feel my somberness, my listlessness, my lack of purpose and meaning. Who cares whether I live or die? I’m not sure I do. Do I even like my life? I don’t know. Do I even like myself? I don’t think so.
A wave of shock rushes through me.
I would never talk to my clients, my friends like that. I would never judge them as losers, failures, nobodies, when they experience this much despair, this much existential fear and sadness.
I would sit with them, listen carefully, opening up to their pain. I would embrace their suffering with compassion, letting them know that I am here for them. My heart would soften as I listen to their despair, their struggles.
I feel tender as I see myself sit on my cushion. A woman with such a sincere intention to contribute, to relief suffering, to bring joy, love and harmony. A woman who’s just trying, really trying and sometimes feels overwhelmed by her inner demons. Her sadness and despair, her regrets and sorrows.
This woman doesn’t need disapproval and rejection. This woman needs a tender, loving embrace. Someone who tells her how special she is and how much happier their life is with her in it. I feel a tenderness growing. Like a little daffodil, arising from the dark earth into the sunny meadow.
I can do that. I can hold myself with that gentle love, accepting all parts of me.
A smile is born on my face.
I don’t have to be happy and cheerful all the time. I can accept myself as I am, right now. And in that tender, safe embrace the flower of peace blooms in my heart.
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You want help to embrace all parts within yourself? To bring loving-kindness to yourself, because it is such a miracle that you’re here? Contact me 512-589-0482 for a complimentary, discovery session. I would be honored to help you bring self-acceptance and compassion to yourself.
by Elly van Laar | Feb 27, 2014 | Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth
Gosh, I have such fantastic work. I can’t think of a better fit between my qualities and aspirations and what I do right now. My clients are a continuous source of inspiration and hope for me.
Today I talked with Frank. He is getting married. He came in last week, noticing that he was becoming more and more dependent on the approval of his fiancee, her taking the lead, and him complying with her wants and desires. He was losing some of the vulnerability that radiated through the early stages of dating.
We talk about the challenge in committed, intimate relationships of finding balance between autonomy and authentic self-expression on the one hand and togetherness and acceptance on the other. How we often give up on the one in favor of the other, because we just can’t figure out how we can have both at the same time.
Maybe we don’t trust that we matter enough. We cannot imagine anyone caring só much that they are willing to stay, while we pursue our dreams. We cannot imagine that someone will encourage us and stay connected. “Fly on your wings to your destination, I’ll hold you in my heart with unconditional love and acceptance. I’ll wait for you to return.” We think we have to give up on ourselves, hide certain aspects to get the love and acceptance we so long for.
My client is not alone in this. I have certainly thought that more than once. And you probably too.
Today he comes back. He seems tender. He tells me about a conversation he had with his fiancee. He is moved as he shares. He told her he wanted a relationship that was based on their vulnerability, that honored their independence and nurtured their togetherness. She was touched as she listened. She had tears in her eyes and a smile on her face. She wants that too. It is só important to her. She is grateful he brings it up. She feels hopeful that they have what it takes to venture into this unknown land of radical honesty and loving connection.
Today I celebrate that my client is my teacher. Thank you, Frank, for allowing me to witness how vulnerability, self-connection, and authentic expression shift relationships to new levels of intimacy, trust and tenderness. I feel honored working with you.
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You want to explore how you can be vulnerable, authentic and intimate with your partner? Contact me 512-589-0482 for a complimentary, discovery session. I would be honored to talk with you.
by Elly van Laar | Feb 26, 2014 | Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication
Can listening be too slow?
I giggle. It is like saying that meditation is too slow. “Hey, can’t we meditate a little faster? I can meditate in five minutes, what you need 20 minutes for!” Or: “Can’t we admire these paintings a little faster? I can admire this Van Gogh in ten minutes, where you need 30 minutes!”
Some things are not about speed, how much you accomplish, or the results you create, or the insights you gain. Some things are just about the joy of being present. Just sitting and watching a butterfly: the splendid colors, the way it flies, the delicate balancing on a flower. And then watch it fly off again.
Listening can be like that too. Just being present with what someone is saying, feeling the tone, sensing the meaning, hearing the energy. As if you’re on the bank of a river, seeing all these thoughts, feelings, and needs float by. Calmly. Peacefully. Sometimes not so calmly. Sometimes wildly. Your friend may get scared by everything drifting by. He may be afraid the objects will grab him and drag him in the river. Harm him. He may be scared he will drown in the river.
You just bring your presence to the fear, the anguish. “I see you’re overwhelmed, caught in the grasp of your feelings and thoughts. Your needs don’t seem precious to you at all. They seem harmful. You’re afraid. You want help to maintain your calm, so you can watch your feelings and needs float by, and maybe even enjoy watching them.”
This kind of presence may be enough for your friend to calm down, and experience her feelings, thoughts, and needs as something she is having, not being.
I have found this kind of listening healing, especially when emotions run high. Giving space to them -without fixing- is a message of unconditional openness and acceptance.
I don’t consider that slow. I consider that empowering.
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You want deep listening and unconditional acceptance to explore your inner world and heal yourself? Contact me 512-589-0482 for a complimentary, discovery session to see how I can help.
by Elly van Laar | Feb 25, 2014 | Acceptance, Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth
Tonight in our Nonviolent Communication Practice Group we talk about triggers. “Think of a moment these last past days when you got triggered and you think you didn’t handle it well.”
Mine is easy. Traffic. People who hang in the left lane, next to a car in the right lane, and go at or below maximum speed. Blocking my use of the full road ahead of me. Slowing me down. Making me arrive late for my nanny kids.
Last Thursday I was five minutes late. Kiran was waiting with his teacher. In the hallway. I felt sad. I want him to know how much I care about him, how important he is to me, how excited I am to see him. Being late doesn’t tell that. It might tell him he gets third on my priority list. After my plans and my goals.
David empathizes with me “You have a need for care, to contribute and support?”
“Yeah. And now I realize that if I would leave the house five minutes earlier, I would not be so stressed for time. If I would stop trying to finish all my plans, I would be calmer and more patient on the road… That is actually a need for acceptance… Accepting that I can only do so much in a day. That if I do this, I cannot do that. If I write this email, I cannot call that friend. If I cook a meal, I cannot clean the kitchen floor.
And that that is okay. I’m probably half way my life, and I realize I cannot do everything anyway. I can’t do ànd improv ànd ceramics ànd hip hop classes ànd knit my sweater ànd start restorative circles ànd expand my business ànd become a certified NVC-trainer ànd travel the world AND connect to my family and friends. Some things won’t get done by me in this life time. If I accept that, I won’t push myself to do everything last minute. I would relax and accept that what I d0 is enough.”
“Does it also have to do with impermanence?”
That’s right on the spot.
The day has now ended, our lives are shorter.
Now we look carefully: what have we done?
Noble Sangha, with all our heart,
Let us be diligent, engaging in the practice.
Let us live deeply, free from our afflictions,
aware of impermanence,
so that life does not drift away without meaning.
Yes. That’s it. Understanding that life is to be lived, not done. It’s not about making a living, but making a life. Right here, right now. Doing less, being more. Remember? The less I am attached to results, and the more I am focused on the joy of the process, the more I can celebrate the sheer fact that I am alive. And that is enough. More than enough.
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I offer coaching to help you live more deeply. Contact me 512-589-0482. I would be honored to help.
We’re in Hoppin House, Maya, Kiran, Georgia and I. We have a blast. We just played in the foam pit, and now I’m taking a break. I sit at the table, enjoying my tea, when Maya comes up to me. Her face is red, she seems agitated. “Elly, this kid (pointing at a boy on a slide) just told me ‘fuck off’, and you have to do something about it. You have to talk to the mom (pointing at a group of adults a table away). He has to apologize… I’m not kidding, he said that, really!” Georgia fiercely shakes her head. “I heard him say that too!”
