by Elly van Laar | Apr 27, 2020 | Communication, Compassionate Communication, Nonprofits, Nonviolent Communication, NVC
Last week I was in an online marketing training. One of the participants shared that she saw me peeing while on Zoom.
Ouch.
Of course I felt embarrassed about it. But that feeling passed pretty quickly, as there were only eight or nine participants on the call and I expect to never see them again.
As soon as I hang up, I realize that the session has been recorded. The recording will be available to all the previous, and current, and future participants in this program.
At least 230 participants so far and counting.
My anxiety peaks, as I realize that I am the only participant with her full name visible under her screen!
I am in a bind about what to do.
I can wait and hope I will be saved by some technological issues, like the recording failing. Then I don’t have to ask for help and reveal my embarrassment even more. But, it would leave me at the mercy of random events.
Or, I reach out to the virtual assistant, face more embarrassment as I share my blooper, and it can’t get fixed. But, I create the chance that it will.
I choose the second option. Even though it seems an unpleasant choice.
Pauline and Sinian, troopers as they are, laugh out loud and reassure me that the participants’ screens don’t even show up in the recording.
Making requests always involves sharing vulnerably and honestly what you’re feeling and needing. It always involves undressing emotionally, not knowing how the other will respond to your nakedness. You might get a better outfit, or you are laughed at.
But making requests is not a random thing, where you are dependent on the mood and goodwill of others. Successful requests follow a reliable pattern. There are simple steps to significantly increase the chance that you will get what you want. And the good thing is that you can do it in a way that feels like a gift to others!
In my online presentation “Effective Communication for Leaders in Nonprofits and Education”, you will:
- Hear the five biggest mistakes when asking for what you want
- Understand what Santa Claus has to do with requests
- Connect the dots between a bougainvillea and request
- Learn from the vegan who gets the best dish in the steakhouse
- Get 10 words to improve your requests
See you Tuesday, April 28, 8:00-9:00 am CST on Zoom. (Make sure your camera is off if you’re peeing.)
Sign-up here.
by Elly van Laar | Apr 25, 2020 | Communication, Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Empathy, Nonprofits, Nonviolent Communication, Self-compassion
I am on a video call with my business marketing training group. The trainer presents his material. Above the main screen are the initials of the participants.
I feel disappointed that I am the only one with a camera on. Seeing the faces of the others would bring me more connection.
I am enthralled by the materials that are shared and the questions answered. I am delighted and engaged, I gobble all the info down like a hungry duckling. I watch the slides keenly and carry my laptop around while I am doing chores.
Halfway into the session, the presenter reads a chat from one of the participants. “Tell everyone to turn off their camera, I can see someone on the toilet.”
I think “Poor guy, forgetting to turn off their camera while they do their private business. So embarrassing.” I feel lucky that I have participated in enough webinars to know to turn the camera away or off.
…..
Then I look at the screen with the initials of the participants. And Elly’s happy face…
With a shock, I realize that I have forgotten to turn off the camera, and it is me in the bathroom. I am blushing with shame as I imagine who else sees me pee.
I can’t help and think that nonprofit leaders might end up in similar situations. Hopefully not peeing on Zoom, but experience the gap between what they think they are doing and how others perceive them.
I have heard examples of this. Like a leader who intended to be fair and neutral, and yet gets accused of racial bias.
I have heard about simple intentions to contribute, being received as bossy and interfering.
Leaders who try to balance all needs, and yet choose relationships over honesty and authenticity, unintentionally eroding the trust that issues can be discussed openly.
Or they work hard to help and still hear staff complain about feeling overwhelmed and not getting the support they need.
Lastly I’ve heard a leader report that even though they thought they set clear boundaries about availability, they work 12 hours Monday through Friday and get calls at the weekends.
Instances, where the message sent, is not the message received. Moments where they have to spend extra effort to clean up the confusion and misunderstanding they did not intend to create.
Fortunately, you can learn to be a more effective communicator and increase the chances that how you want to be seen, is how you are perceived.
For all those, who want to learn what to do and not do, I offer a discovery webinar “Effective Communication for Nonprofit Leaders”.
You will:
- Hear the five biggest mistakes in communication
- What to do better while listening to your team members
- The 10 words that will improve your requests
- Connect to other nonprofit leaders
- Get a once-in-a-lifetime offer
See you Tuesday, April 28, 8:00-9:00 am CST on Zoom (and make sure you’re not in the bathroom with your video on….).
Sign-up here.
by Elly van Laar | Apr 23, 2020 | Compassionate Communication, Empathy, Nonviolent Communication, NVC
This pandemic triggers all kinds of feelings in me: anger, sadness, fear, panic, shame, guilt, and a lot of “shoulds” about how I should help more. These are feelings and thoughts that I am not such a fan of, especially when they come in huge quantities.
I know from reading and listening to Rick Hanson that our brain is wired for the negative. He calls it velcro for the negative. According to him, we need four times more positive than negative input to counterbalance this negativity bias.
So I started a mission to look at all the “positive” conditions for my happiness. And who is a better role model than Julie Andrews playing Maria in the Sound of Music, singing “These are a few of my favorite things”?
Inspired by the lyrics I look at all my favorite things. Like the purple bearded irises in my yard. I planted them in December. And even though I tried to take care of them, they didn’t do much. All the irises in the neighborhood have been blooming like crazy, and mine just stood there as green stalks in the ground.
Until a few weeks ago. Suddenly they started blooming like crazy.
Do you have a similar situation? You think you’re taking care of your supervisees, but they still are overwhelmed and stressed out?
Or you try to empathize with your board, and they just keep telling you that you don’t understand the relevance of the issues at hand?
And even though you want to add value, does your supervisor tell you that your input distracts the team from the main focus?
Or you keep trying to keep a balanced perspective, while you wobble from an angry donor or disappointed stakeholder to the next?.
Whatever your intentions are, maybe you don’t see the results you’re trying to create. No joyful lawn of blooming flowers. Just stalks that seem to stand still.
Join my discovery webinar “Effective Communication for Nonprofit Leaders”. We will address how “resulting” can get in the way of our most excellent choices, intentions, and efforts.
As a result, you might enjoy your connections with those around you, let go of the outcome, focus on what’s at hand, and go to bed rejuvenated after smelling the flowers.
Free webinar “Effective Communication for Nonprofit Leaders”, Tuesday, April 28, 8:00-9:00 am CST.
Sign-up here.
by Elly van Laar | Apr 17, 2020 | Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Empathy, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth
I am standing on a wobbly, one-legged chair with a wide footing. Its seating is torn up. Basically, a few threads held together on the edges. In the last five years, I have stood on it probably 219 times to unhook the cloth line to reel it in.
I have never lost my balance. I trust I won’t lose it this time either.
Only, today I feel exhausted and I am distracted as I look to the right at a fascinating, exotic bird.
I lose my balance to the left. I fall on the concrete patio. Fortunately, my instincts help me to keep my head and wrists safe. But the rest of my body is not so happy.
I lay on the concrete patio for a couple of seconds, before I manage to get up.
I can barely walk. My hip feels incredibly sore, my knee seems bruised, and my ankle can hardly carry my weight.
I know I need to ask my husband for help. He is a miracle healer of sorts, and I know he can support.
But I don’t want to ask for help. I feel ashamed of my stupidity for being distracted and I struggle with familiar, habitual thoughts that are screaming in my head “I am such a clumsy idiot!”
I feel too embarrassed to take the risk that he will blame or shame me for what I believe is true. Even though I know he won’t, I don’t have the mental and emotional resources and will take even the slightest raising of an eyebrow personally.
I rather hide in my study and suffer in silence.
That is certainly what I would have done in the past.
But this time I remember how much worse bad situations became as a result of silencing and hiding my need for support.
Being the hero he is, he neither blames or shames me. Not even the lifting of an eyebrow. He immediately puts me on the couch and brings me icepacks and blankets. Even a stuffed animal.
I feel relieved.
And I wonder how many others have learned all too well to toughing it out, rather than vulnerably asking for help.
Maybe I am not the only one who would love acceptance of their struggles.
Or feeling overwhelmed trying to get everything done on their to-do list, slugging through 7:00 am-9:00 pm?
Maybe others also have a sense that they are responsible for everything.
And I bet I am not the only one who does so much better working in a supportive environment of trust and honesty.
Probably.
And just like me, we all can learn to ask for help. Even when we are the cause of our own pain and suffering.
And you don’t need to hit the concrete patio to do so. It’s easier:
Join my free webinar “Effective Communication for Nonprofit Leaders”.
You will:
- Learn the five biggest mistakes when making requests
- See how a vegan gets the best dish in a steakhouse
- Shift your paradigm about requests and see them as strengths, not weaknesses
- Understand what Santa Claus has to do with getting help
- Connect with peers and inspire each other
- Memorize ten magic words for constructive requests
As a result, you will be more confident that you can create the collaboration you want, inspire others to support your cause and goals, and transform conflict into collaboration.
Tuesday, April 28, at 8:00-9:00 am. Maximum nine nonprofit leaders.
Contact me with any questions. I am here to support you.
Or sign up here.
All the best,
Elly van Laar
Coach for Nonprofit Leaders
by Elly van Laar | Sep 2, 2019 | Compassionate Communication, Empathy, Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication, NVC
It’s 3:00 am. I am woken up by the sound of a bee. I feel tired, and turn on a light to see if the bee is inside and I need to take it out.
Nope, it is outside, hovering in front of its hive.
My fatigue turns into sadness. An outcast is desperately trying to get back in. Bees are sensitive, smart, and social, so I am sure they have a kind of mechanism to punish members. Ostracizing could certainly be one of them. It’s effective for humans, why wouldn’t it be for bees?
At 7:00 am no buzz. I feel relieved. Thank God, maybe the bee was accepted back in.
When I tell my husband, he laughs. He tells me that Texan beehives get hot in summer, and sometimes bees hover in front of it to cool off, especially right before dawn. Like hanging out on the porch, before we had air conditioning.
With a mixture of amusement and embarrassment, I realize I confused empathy with sympathy.
I thought I was respectfully understanding what the bee was experiencing, as if I was walking in its shoes (flying in its wings?). Instead, I was sympathizing: not walking in its shoes, but running away with them, and thinking they were mine. I was superimposing my experience of fitting in, as a lens to look at its experience. Because I was ostracized as a six-year-old, and stood apart, doesn’t mean that others who stand apart, are being ostracized. Probably not this particular bee.
Empathy is not better than sympathy
It’s just different. Empathy helps to respectfully understand someone else’s experience. Sympathy is more about creating closeness by sharing our own experience: “I think I know what you’re talking about since I think I’ve been in a similar situation.”
And since our situation can be different from theirs, sympathy can create as much confusion as understanding. It shifts the focus to us, instead of maintaining it on our partner. It’s more about being understood than understanding.
If you want to understand your team members, empathy is your tool. When you listen for and accept their reality as is, without imposing your lens on it, you can more effectively help (or empower) them resolve whatever issue they’re talking about.
With empathy I could have provided shade for the beehive. With sympathy I would try to mediate between the bee community and this single bee (if there is even such a thing as bee mediation).
For some of us empathy may not be our go-to strategy when we listen. We may “react, before reflect”. If you want to learn to “reflect, before react”, I’m your girl. We can work on specific tools and skills to support you be the team leader you want to be. I’m sure you can learn to be more effective, create better results, and go home fulfilled and satisfied.
Schedule your discovery session to start working with me.
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by Elly van Laar | Apr 5, 2019 | Compassionate Communication, Empathy, Nonviolent Communication
Don’t think you know what people are talking about
Even if you’re absolutely sure you understand the words they’re saying, those words can have a very different meaning to them than to you. “Well, how is that important?”, you might ask. Let me tell you a short story.
Confusion
Last week, I was camping. When I checked in, I received a green reservation card “to clip on the pole”. I felt confused about how to do that. The poles of my tent are round and on the inside of the outside layer, so I how can I clip that card on the pole?
Eventually, I decide to shove the card under my ground cloth and trust they will find it, if they want to check my reservation.
Understanding
The next day, new campers arrive. As I walk to my tent, I see those same green reservation cards. Clipped on the pole. But not the pole I thought the registration lady was talking about. Nope. The pole at the entrance of their camping spot. With two clippers. And the number of their site. Never even thought of looking at that pole. Let alone check how to clip my card on it.
Same word, different meaning
It dawns on me that even a simple word like pole, has a different meaning to the registration lady than to me. And because the meaning seemed so obvious to me, it never occurred to me to ask questions what she meant with it. As a result, I got confused and couldn’t implement what she was asking me to do.
Conflict
This was a pretty innocuous misunderstanding with no consequences. And we can all think of situations, where the consequences can be more harmful.
When someone is calling you a jerk, you’ll probably get defensive. You either withdraw or turn against them. You disconnect or you call them names, or worse. As a result, conflict lies around the corner.
Reflect, before react
The solution is to reflect, before we react. You either literally use their words, or ask about their meaning. “You want me to clip this card to my tent pole?” (“du-uh, no, silly, the pole at the entrance of your tent spot”). “What do you mean when you say I’m a jerk?”.
In the reflection of their words they have a chance to self-connect and check if they’re expressing themselves in the way they want to be heard. Sometimes people realize they mean something different, when they hear their words reflected back.
And reflecting gives you a chance to take a deep breath, calm yourself down, and connect to your values, before you react.
Contact me
Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Well, I can tell you from more than 11 years of practice it isn’t. We need sincere dedication and perseverance to make this a daily habit.
Schedule your discovery session to see if I am your accountability partner to help you make this your daily habit.
Let me know how this landed for you: shoot me an email.
Listen to this newsletter
Now you can listen to this edition!! Download the recording here.
I handed off the parenting group to Kayla Rose Yoder, one of my students in Nonviolent Communication and a dedicated mom who I deeply admire for the level of unconditional respect for and support of her three year old.
She starts Tuesday, April 23. She asks $195 for the whole series. Contact Kayla with any questions.
