by Elly van Laar | Jan 12, 2014 | Acceptance, Compassion, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
I wished I was happier.
I wished I knew how to chose between being with my husband in Austin, and my family in the Netherlands. I wished I knew how to include all needs. I wished I knew how to pick up Austin and move it next to the Netherlands. Maybe in the North Sea. I wished I was not so needy, overwhelmed, tired. I wished I was more joyful, energetic and open.
I wished I was not me.
I wished I was like my friend. Always open, available, solid, smiling. I wished I was more solid. Less ups and downs.
My friend told me that I then wouldn’t be me. That seems like a great idea. I don’t want to be me. Not now.
Can someone pick me up, carry me away and change me?
More energy, more creativity, more playfulness? A better hairdo, while you’re at it, too?
I hate my hair. I look in the mirror, and it doesn’t look at all like the haircut I walked away with from my hairdresser a week ago. It doesn’t do what I want it to do. It stands and curls in every direction, except in the one I want. It is like my feelings. They do whatever they want to do, too.
I don’t want that. I want to be in control. I want to be able to have whatever emotions I want. Happiness, joy, love, compassion, energy, hope. Not anger, sadness, loneliness, despair, hopelessness.
Why can’t there be a store where you can pick up the emotions you want for that day? For free? I would go there every day.
What the heck.
I’m giving up on today. I’m gonna eat some fruit, and go to bed. And then, tomorrow I’ll wash my hair. And blow dry it. So it is exactly like I want it to be. Maybe the rest will follow suit.
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You want help with self-acceptance, healing and integration? Contact me for a complimentary, discovery session. I would be honored to support you on your path. 512-589-0482
by Elly van Laar | Jan 10, 2014 | Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
Angry? Focus on your breath
Thich Nhat Hanh has a simple four step process to support connection when we are angry.
The first is to bring our attention back to our breath; to notice where it is in our body, how it rises and falls. To continue doing this as long as anger is grasping us and to embrace the anger as if it is a crying baby that needs holding.
Hum. I can stop right here. I have failed this first step often enough. Yep. Sneaky moments where my mind told me Thich Nhat Hanh was wrong. That it was much better to slash out, yell, blame, disconnect.
Ànd I have had times when I followed Thich Nhat Hanh’s invitation and focused on my breath first. Then I was ready for the second step. Breathing in, breathing out, “Darling, I suffer, I am angry.”
Express your pain
‘What?! Darling?! Thich Nhat Hanh got thàt all wrong! My husband is a jerk, hè caused my anger, and he needs to be punished for my pain.’ No matter how much Nonviolent Communication I have under my belt, and how aware I am of emotional liberation, and the difference between cause and trigger of my feelings, this is thè exception. ‘My husband is not a darling, he is a jerk, and I a saint, and we need to be treated accordingly.’
So another breathe. In. Out. Looking him in the eye. Seeing a glimpse of a human being. A hunch of someone who loves me. Cares for me. Wants to support me. Breathing in. Feeling my anger. Breathing out. Feeling my suffering.
Applause for your failed efforts
Step three. I breathe in. I breathe out. “I’m trying, I’m really trying.”
Something softens in me. I feel my anger towards myself. That I screwed up my mindfulness practice, that I failed. And I feel compassion that I try, that I really try. To dissolve the habit energy of my anger, the years of practice slashing out. I do fall off the ‘mindfulness bike’ a lot. Like, rèally, a lot. And I get back up. After every failure. Trying loving speech when I am angry, again, and again, and again.
Courage to ask for help
Now I am ready for the last step. Breathing in, breathing out. “I need your help and support.”
I feel vulnerable. To own up to my pain. To acknowledge I am struggling. To tremble in that nakedness. Will he help? Or will he retaliate? Will he blame mè for yelling, slamming doors, running away? I want to be held. Seen for my humanity. For my struggles. And for my longing to connect.
I feel scared. And proud that I dare to ask for help.
Success guaranteed
Sometimes these four steps take a while. Often it takes my husband’s generous and empathic heart. And the process always works.
Thich Nhat Hanh is right. Just four steps to get us from anger to reconnection. Isn’t it fantastic?
by Elly van Laar | Jan 6, 2014 | Acceptance, Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
Changing old habits can be hard
“This happens to me all the time. I just can’t quit smoking. I was so committed to not smoke. And then, at last night’s party, I couldn’t resist temptation and smoked one anyway. It is just me. I just don’t have it in me. I know it is bad for my health, I know it is way too expensive, I know my clothes smell terrible, but I just don’t have enough will power to stop. I read ‘Stop smoking’, I tried patches, had an accountability partner, but nothing ever helps. I just don’t have it in me. I am not even gonna try anymore. I am a smoker, and I’ll always be. Let’s just accept that.”
Do you recognize this? Maybe your issue is not with cigarettes, but with eating less sugar, gluten, dairy. With speaking up for yourself. With getting up on stage. With applying for a job.
Maybe you, too, feel discouraged and hopeless about your ability to change old, ingrained habits. Maybe you, too, give up on your ideals. Maybe you, too, don’t trust that you’ll ever take a step towards your dreams.
The number one thing to sustain change
Don’t despair! Change is within your reach. The number one thing you can do for yourself when you want to change your behavior, is to empathize with yourself. With both parts: the part that wants to change, and with the part that wants to remain the status quo. Both the old and the new behavior are strategies to nurture universal needs. Understanding these needs will help you find creative new ways to include all needs.
Maybe not speaking up nurtures a need for acceptance, safety, belonging. Eating chocolate might help to calm ourselves when we’re anxious. Watching television might be our way of comforting ourselves when we are sad and lonely.
Getting up on stage could be a strategy for self-expression. Eating more fruit might be a way for autonomy. Writing blogs can be a form of authenticity.
When we understand why we are doing something, we are more empowered to come up with solutions to that why, that also address our other still unmet needs. When we don’t know why, the solutions we come up with may not serve all our needs. As soon as we connect to àll our needs, we have more space to brainstorm strategies that nurture both sides.
I invite you to empathize with yourself, and connect to the needs behind the behavior you want, and the behavior you don’t like. And once you understand and accept all needs, think of a new year’s resolution to support them.
Find an empathy buddy
If it is hard to empathize with parts you don’t like, find yourself an empathy buddy. A friend, a sibling, a coach. Call me if you want my help (512-589-0482). I would be honored. I’ll teach you empathy skills, and share my compassion. We’ll collaborate, so you will successfully step towards your dreams.
May this year bring you encouragement, excitement and trust.
by Elly van Laar | Jan 3, 2014 | Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
Celebrating failure
The first lesson I learned in my improv classes, was failure applause. You throw your hands in the air, yell “I failed”, bow to your audience, and receive wildly enthusiastic applause.
I love it. It is the celebration of trying, of learning, and of failing along the way.
We cannot expand our behavior, our life, if we are not willing to try something new, and fail.
Whomever thought we can learn something new, and nót fail? We learn to ride a bike, and we fall. We learn to juggle, and we drop our balls. We learn a new language, and we babble incomprehensibly. How can we expect to learn something new and succeed at once? That is not learning, that is reinforcing what we already know. That is thinking we are bad ass, while all we do is staying in our comfort zone.
Learning means venturing out of our comfort zone, out of our habitual behavior, and trying something we have never been or done before.
Trying something new
Maybe you want to practice compassionate communication. You want to hear a hard-to-hear-message with compassion. You want to stop, bring your attention to your breath, pause your reaction for a second, and literally reflect what you hear your friend say. The first two sentences go well. You reflect back, you pause your own reaction, and your friend is satisfied with how you heard him. You are proud of yourself. You get it! Then something goes wrong. You get triggered, and start defending yourself. Or you start explaining. Or advising. Or counterattacking.
Oops. Thàt’s the time for failure applause. Throw your arms in the air, and yell, with a big smile on your face, “I failed”! And receive applause of your friend. (Of course, it is unlikely that your friend will applaud you. He is too triggered himself. And we can still be a friend to ourselves! We can be our own best audience, applaud as we watch ourselves try something new. And accept our failure.) You gave it your best, and you failed. That doesn’t mean you’re a failure, that means that your skills are not well enough developed to serve you intentions and efforts.
Try again
So you try again, and again, and again. Until the awareness of compassionate communication becomes second nature, first habit. When you finally notice you automatically start reflecting first, and your communication conveys your compassion, you throw your arms in the air, and yell at the top of your lungs, with a big smile on your face, “I succeeded!”. And receive the same appreciative applause for your intentions and efforts to try.
Intention applause
Life is not a game of winning and losing, of getting the right results. Life is a journey of learning. Life is an experiment of letting our intentions and efforts speak for themselves. That’s all that counts. Doing the best we can, and deserve applause for that.
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You want help applauding your intentions and efforts? Contact me at 512-589-0482
by Elly van Laar | Jan 2, 2014 | Acceptance, Compassion, Mindfulness, Personal Growth
No change is gonna happen, unless you have a vision of what you want more of in your life, that is positive and within you influence. Unless you have a goal, you’re not gonna move.
Saying “no” to your current situation is not enough.
Imagine your friend asks you to book a holiday for him. He tells you not to book a holiday to Syria. Now what? Do you have any idea what he does want? A sunny beach holiday in Mexico? A city trip to Los Angeles? A family visit to the Netherlands? It will be difficult to organize a holiday that he likes.
How can you do a don’t?
I like to share a visualization exercise with you, to help you connect with what you do want (gratitude to Francois Beausoleil).
Find a quiet, private spot.
Find a comfortable position. Relax. Maybe close your eyes. Bring your attention to your breath. Notice how it flows through you.
Let your attention drift into the future. Say, 6 months from now. You’ll find another version of yourself. Slightly different, in important ways. Feel what it’s like to be that future self. Breathe exactly as they would. See through their eyes. Feel how good their experience feels.
You might feel gratitude for the way they live their lives. The people they serve, the friends they have. It seems simple and obvious to them to share their deepest values, dreams and beliefs with those around them. They let go of some of the negative, old beliefs they had. Beliefs that limited them.
What have you done that led you to that place? You have learned some important key elements to get there. You have alignment between your vision, your inner world, and what you do.
As you keep breathing through your future self, you take three snapshots from your future life. Maybe feedback from someone who is grateful for how you served them. Maybe your friends and family, celebrating your existence. Maybe the house you always wanted. Maybe a feeling of joy, peace, love. Take three snapshots from your future life, and take them with you in this moment.
Now travel your attention half way and above the time line between the two versions of yourself. You see the entire 6 months. Feel appreciation for all the learning you achieved, all the actions you took, all the challenges you overcame.
Step again in the future version of yourself, and from that future version make eye contact with your current self. With a smile, pass a small gift from the future version to your current self. Something only known by the two of you. As your current self receive it with gratitude.
Relax. Breathe in and out. You are fully into the current version of yourself. You are connected to your current experience. You accept the smile, the gift, the insight you received.
You bring your attention back to this moment, this place. Open your eyes, and be here.
A happy new year!
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Contact me if you want support to take a first step to your future self, 512 589 0482
by Elly van Laar | Jan 1, 2014 | Acceptance, Compassion, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
This is a tender letter to all my friends who experience shame. Shame about the choices you’ve made, and how you think these reflect on you as a person. All my friends who have come to believe that whatever you do, it is never good enough. It is never good enough to cover up the fundamental flaws of your being. It is never good enough to get the love, acceptance, support, and understanding you so deeply long for. You just want to hide and never face the pain, fear and loneliness of this shame again.
You’re not alone. I am here. We are here. For you. For me. For us. We all know what shame feels like. We all know the devastating impact shame has on the freedom of choices we make.
We also all know the healing power of compassion.
Last year I participated in a yearlong program Nonviolent Communication. We were invited to offer a workshop to the other participants as a learning opportunity. I had two participants show up. Josie had 14. I felt deeply ashamed. Here was direct proof that I was not attractive, interesting, and inspiring enough to have anyone show up. When I shared my shame in my empathy-group a shame storm raged through my body. I hardly could look at anyone. Then they responded. With compassion. With care. With understanding. With a longing to include me, support me, reassure me.
I was flabbergasted. I was showing up naked, covered in my shit, and instead of the anticipated response of disgust, rejection and exclusion, I received love, belonging, acceptance.
I wish this healing experience for everyone in the world. I wish we all can find a friend, a coach, a therapist we trust. Someone who is willing and able to listen and empathize with us. Someone who doesn’t brush off our experience, or tries to cheer us up, but who is willing to be there for us in our suffering.
Then we can start to heal. We can start to heal the wounds of our childhood. We can start to believe that love, acceptance, and belonging are possible, just for who we are, with all our flaws. We can start to open up and be vulnerable. We can start to share our dreams, our aspirations, our heart’s desires.
After the shame storm is heard, we can listen to the quiet. We can hear everything that brings joy in our lives, and help us bloom, blossom and grow. Our vision will reveal itself, guiding us on the path of becoming more fully who we are.
May this year shower you with love, acceptance, and support.
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You want help bringing compassion, healing and integration in your life? Contact me, 512 589 0482
I wished I was happier.
