I wished I knew how to chose between being with my husband in Austin, and my family in the Netherlands. I wished I knew how to include all needs. I wished I knew how to pick up Austin and move it next to the Netherlands. Maybe in the North Sea. I wished I was not so needy, overwhelmed, tired. I wished I was more joyful, energetic and open.
I wished I was not me.
I wished I was like my friend. Always open, available, solid, smiling. I wished I was more solid. Less ups and downs.
My friend told me that I then wouldn’t be me. That seems like a great idea. I don’t want to be me. Not now.
Can someone pick me up, carry me away and change me?
More energy, more creativity, more playfulness? A better hairdo, while you’re at it, too?
I hate my hair. I look in the mirror, and it doesn’t look at all like the haircut I walked away with from my hairdresser a week ago. It doesn’t do what I want it to do. It stands and curls in every direction, except in the one I want. It is like my feelings. They do whatever they want to do, too.
I don’t want that. I want to be in control. I want to be able to have whatever emotions I want. Happiness, joy, love, compassion, energy, hope. Not anger, sadness, loneliness, despair, hopelessness.
Why can’t there be a store where you can pick up the emotions you want for that day? For free? I would go there every day.
What the heck.
I’m giving up on today. I’m gonna eat some fruit, and go to bed. And then, tomorrow I’ll wash my hair. And blow dry it. So it is exactly like I want it to be. Maybe the rest will follow suit.
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