by Elly van Laar | Mar 20, 2014 | Compassion, Mindfulness
Let me just cry a little. Being reminded of the loss and love of my cat Toulouse. Watching my nanny kids and their friend pour their soul out as they sing and dance to “Let It Go”, so sincerely, so seriously. Receiving a birthday card and present from my beloved friend, who moved to Ohio and offers to pay half the fare when I come to visit. All these small acts of great love.
Nothing substantial enough to be remembered hundred years from now. Nothing powerful enough to create world peace. And all essential to make life more wonderful.
To love and be loved.
That’s all there really is to life.
As a child, born from parents who lived through the horrors of World War II, I grappled how it was possible that people committed the most horrendous of crimes, and walked away with it. No amends, no retribution, no consequences.
The only thing I could think of that supported my need for restoration and responsibility, was that Hitler and his consorts had punished themselves by taking the actions they took.
To live in a world with that much fear, hatred and anger, is to not live at all. To never relax into this moment, is cutting yourself off the opportunity to love life. To not have support to meet your needs in ways that include those of others too, must be utterly lonely.
The only choice we can make in each moment is to open up to the raw beauty of being alive, to try to transform suffering, to bring joy, love, and harmony, or to shut down and close off.
To love and be loved. That’s all there is to human life.
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You want help opening up to the beauty of being alive, of being you? Contact me 512-589-0482 to schedule a complimentary, discovery session. I would be delighted to talk with you to see if and how I can help.
by Elly van Laar | Mar 19, 2014 | Compassion, Mindfulness
I’m reading “Opening the Heart of the Cosmos, insights on the Lotus Sutra” by Thich Nhat Hanh and learning about the historic and ultimate dimension.
The historic dimension is the reality as we know it in our current body and is bound by time and space. We are born, we live, we die. A car is manufactured, used and disassembled. A song is written, popular, and forgotten. There is a beginning, middle and end.
The ultimate dimension is the continuous flow of life, of unlimited being, of the one and the all.
Once we touch the ultimate dimension, we lose our fear of death, because we understand that we cannot die, that we were never born, that we have always been. Our present appearance is just one of the multitude manifestations of the ultimate dimension. A wave cannot die, it just returns to water, which it has been all along.
I don’t claim that I get it. I think if I did, I would be way more open, loving, and relaxed. I would be less anxious, jealous and angry.
And last night I realized that I am probably seeing a glimpse of the ultimate dimension in the loss of and continued connection with my cat: Toulouse.
She was my buddy, soul mate and Bodhisattva of unconditional acceptance, boundless love, and immeasurable appreciation. She followed me around the house, the garden, out on the street. She used any opportunity to jump on my lap, cuddle with me on the couch, crawl under the comforter and find her favorite spot in my arms.
I left her behind with my ex-husband, when I got a divorce and moved to the USA. I was heart-broken. Whenever I felt upset, I took her picture and held it to my heart. I’d fall asleep like that. Even now, five years later, I feel a raw, scourging pain in my stomach. She was the love of my life.
I went back to the Netherlands twice a year, and always visited my ex-husband and my two cats. As soon as I opened the door, she’d run up to me and claim my lap. She loved me as ever before. She never held a grudge that I had left her behind, as if she honored my choice, and accepted my departure.
The last time I saw her was December 2010. She could hardly walk, lost 10 pounds, and couldn’t get up on the couch.
My ex-husband took her to the vet Jan 21, 2011 to let her die.
I wasn’t there.
Despite all the grief, sadness and loss -that I even feel right now as I write about her- I feel this incredible joy of knowing that I never lost her. She is here with me, right now. She is always available with her love, affection, and acceptance. Her appreciation never died.
I understand it better now.
I am touching Toulouse in the ultimate dimension.
by Elly van Laar | Mar 17, 2014 | Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication
I bite my tongue. With my front teeth. Really hard. It hurts. Yesterday I bit my cheek. With my left molars. Really hard too. It is still painful.
This happens often. It is always a shock. And it always hurts.
I think I’m gonna make a dentist’ appointment and get my front teeth and left molars removed. That way they won’t hurt me no more.
What?!!!
That’s insane!
My teeth and molars are part of me, we are one?! I need them, they didn’t mean harm, what would I do without them, why not eat more slowly, so it doesn’t happen?
Everyone would think I’m crazy if I would remove my teeth and molars, because they hurt me. Yet, execution is standard practice in Texas, and other USA states (Executions per state).
Ray Jasper and Anthony Doyle are scheduled to be executed March 19 and March 27 respectful. Two human beings who made harmful choices in their efforts to escape their own suffering.
Killing them does not create safety. Killing them creates more suffering.
Thich Nhat Hanh teaches us the insight of interbeing: we are interconnected and we exist of self and non-self elements. I eat a carrot. Now the carrot is part of me, and I am partly a carrot. Elly exists of a carrot-element. I poop and my excrement is part of the world around me, the world exists of an Elly-element.
Once we understand interbeing, we understand that killing people is killing part of ourselves.
Killing them is not a solution, it is adding to the problem.
A better solution is to look deeply into the causes of the suffering. Which circumstances let Ray and Anthony to kill? When did we fail to offer our support, our love, our inclusion? Marshall Rosenberg talks about tragic expression of unmet needs. We try to nurture a beautiful, human, universal need and we are not creative enough to chose actions that support the needs at the I-You-and-We level. Which needs were Ray and Anthony trying to meet when they killed their victims? Maybe safety, financial sustainability, respect, a sense of belonging? How can we support them figuring out other ways to support those needs, ways that bring more peace and love to everyone involved? Themselves, others, and us as a society?
One lives among all.
We all need to wake up. We need to see that we are interconnected, that no one lives separate. We need to learn how to create a society that takes care of the throw-away children and leaves no one behind. We need to understand the needs behind the tragic expression of unmet needs, so we can support more creative and wholesome ways to nurture those precious needs.
Let’s speak up for a world of inclusion, love and support. Sign the petition to Governor Rick Perry to urge him to save the lives of Ray and Anthony. Let’s stop killing, and start healing.
by Elly van Laar | Mar 14, 2014 | Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Nonviolent Communication
“Informal mediation is sticking your nose into other people’s business without being asked.” (Marshall Rosenberg)
I often do informal mediation between my two nanny kids, with more or less success. Today I applied what I just read in the Mediate Your Life manual. When you mediate on the spot, between two parties who didn’t ask you to do so, you make quick, short, snappy empathy guesses and you go back and forth without asking the other party to reflect.
This suggestion turns out to be very helpful.
My usual process is to spend minutes empathizing with one kid, before listening to the other -often leaving the one not listened to more and more agitated as they hear their sibling say things that are totally different from their experience. Today I ask Maya to tell me the most important thing she wants me to hear. I listen to her frustration and upset, I listen to her needs. I get her. Then I tell her that I’m gonna ask Kiran the most important thing he wants me to know, before I get back to her for her second message. She is willing to wait. Knowing that I’ll be back is enough reassurance that she’ll get the listening she wants.
So I listen to him. I hear his feelings and needs. I get him and tell him that I’ll listen to Maya’s second message, before I’ll return to him.
Maya asks what Kiran said. I tell her that I’m not doing that yet. That I first want to understand the most important things of both of them, one message at a time, before I ask for reflections and responses. She settles in. I empathize a little bit more with her frustration and upset. I get her need for fairness. She relaxes into the experience of listening and support and waits patiently for my return after my second Kiran-round.
Kiran doesn’t have a second message. He is ready to play.
When I come back to Maya, she has received so much listening, acceptance, connection, understanding and support that she, too, is ready for something else.
And off they go, to color pages.
Life is so sweet when you have the tools to mediate conflict.
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You want to learn to mediate conflict? Contact me 512-589-0482. I think I can help!
by Elly van Laar | Mar 13, 2014 | Compassion, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
“It takes courage to love yourself. It is easier to hate yourself. To always want to improve and change for the better. To never be satisfied with who you are right here, right now. But to fully say ‘yes’ to whatever is here, your anger, your fear of failure, your striving for perfection, that takes courage. You’re trembling in the nakedness of your honesty and you’re fully wanting to be you. I’m fully wanting to be me. Yes, that takes courage.”
I’m in awe with my client. I’m not sure if I have the courage to be fully wanting to be me. I rather be someone else. Happier. More successful. Less jealous. I’m pretty sure I’m fully wanting to be my future self, an improved version of me. Less needy, more lovable.
I’m in awe with my client, and her choice to unconditionally love and accept herself.
I’m in awe with my client and her choice to say ‘yes’ to who she is in this moment.
She reminds me of the ferryman in Herman Hesse’s Siddharta. He doesn’t do much. He tends his garden, he enjoys the sun, he takes people to the other side of the river. Hardly anyone recognize in him the Buddha, the Enlightened One. Hardly anyone even look at him. They just want to get to the other shore, and he is taking them. He is an instrument to their purpose, and as such not very interesting.
I have always been impressed with that courage. To just live your life, not doing much, not striving for acknowledgment, validation, reassurance of your worth. And fully enjoying being alive. Gosh, if I only would have that solidity in me, that groundedness, that self-confidence.
I giggle. That seems like a contradictio in terminis. Wanting to be someone else, so I can fully want to be me.
Hum. Maybe I could start wanting to be me with all my striving for love, acceptance and belonging?
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You want help to fully want to be you? Contact me 512-589-0482. I would be excited to help you on the path of unconditional self-acceptance.
by Elly van Laar | Mar 12, 2014 | Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication
Thich Nhat Hanh has a beautiful story about true love. It resonates deeply with me, because I so wish to love others in a way that nurtures and supports their unique needs, celebrating the preciousness of their unique life. And I so wish to be loved in that same way.
There once was a rich man, who had all the wealth in the world, except for the love if his son.
His son had run off when he was 15 years old, and wandered the world in poverty for 50 years. In search of work, he lands at the doorsteps of his father’s palace, not knowing this is his father’s residence. When he sees all the rich and important people gathering for a meeting with his father, he gets scared and runs away.
In a split second his father recognizes the beggar as his son and sends his servants after him to bring him back home.
When the son sees the servants, he gets terrified. He fears he will be falsely accused of theft, and punished accordingly.
As the servants bring him back, the father sees his mistake. In his immense love for his son and his longing for connection, he acted in a way that terrified his son. He realizes he needs to build a bond based on where the son is at. He understands his son won’t believe this wealthy man is his father, so instead the father treats him like a beggar. Seeing the low self-worth and lack of self-confidence his son has, he offers him the lowliest of tasks: dragging out the pig’s dung. His son accepts and works diligently and sincerely at the job. His father recognizes the moment to ask his son to take on more responsibilities. His son can gladly accept and performs his new duties with equal commitment. The father keeps adding responsibilities, to contribute to his son’s sense of competence, confidence and self-worth. After a while the son runs the whole estate.
Then, at his death bed, the father reveals the true nature of their relationship. By that time the son is able to hear and accept this as the truth.
We, too, can find the skillful means to support our loved ones to open up to their true nature: children of God, heirs of Buddha, soul mates of Christ.
May we all wake up from forgetfulness and realize our true nature.
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You want help to support your loved ones with understanding? Contact me 512-589-0482. I would be excited to help you on the path of true love and understanding.
Let me just cry a little. Being reminded of the loss and love of my cat Toulouse. Watching my nanny kids and their friend pour their soul out as they sing and dance to “Let It Go”, so sincerely, so seriously. Receiving a birthday card and present from my beloved friend, who moved to Ohio and offers to pay half the fare when I come to visit. All these small acts of great love.
