by Elly van Laar | Apr 18, 2014 | Acceptance, Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
Image courtesy to fotomedia
I didn’t call my friend as promised. Last week I canceled our phone call too. I feel bad about it. How do I feel when I think I’m bad? Hum… I close my eyes and listen to my body. Your physical sensations offer wonderful opportunities to connect to what’s really going on for you.
I feel tired, sad, and scared. Tired, because I have so many projects going on and I want more rest and spaciousness in my schedule. Sad, because I really want to honor my commitments. I want more integrity: to make conscious commitments that are in alignment with my physical sensations, my feelings and thoughts, my needs and values. Scared, because I’m afraid that I’ll be judged as untrustworthy, unreliable, dishonest, and maybe even not good enough. Ouch… I resonate with that fear. I want understanding and acceptance that I have too much going on to keep track of everything and I want to be seen for the sincerity with which I reached out for my friend to make an appointment.
Gosh… I made a choice that didn’t include all needs. Let me just sit with that for a little bit… Let me just mourn that and move away from self-blame and self-judgment… Maybe I can connect deeper to the needs I was trying to meet by not calling… Rest and spaciousness… Yeah… I so much wish for more rest and spaciousness, less running around from appointment to appointment. And maybe I can connect to the needs that were not met by my choice of not calling… Integrity, understanding, acceptance, and to be seen for my intentions…
Such beautiful needs… So human and universal… I wished I had chosen a strategy that would support all of them… Ah… Let me just sit with that… I want to support all needs…
Yes! I’m gonna send her an email in which I express my regret for not honoring our agreement and in which I share honestly what I can offer with my limited time availability… Which commitment am I joyfully willing and sincerely able to make?… How can I offer support and include my needs for rest and spaciousness? Maybe less than I wished I could. And maybe this new offer can include all needs. Different than I originally thought, and more honest and true.
Happy Easter.
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You want help to mourn some of your choices? Contact me 512-589-0482 to schedule a complimentary, discovery session to see if and how I can help.
by Elly van Laar | Apr 17, 2014 | Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth, Self-compassion, Uncategorized
Image courtesy to Wikimedia
I am so happy with my emotional potty training. After I realized that I’m emotionally incontinent, I went on a quest to learn how to stand my anger, jealousy, fear, and other unwelcome feelings. I learned how to have my feelings, connect, accept and understand them and respond with compassion, mindfulness, and care for everyone.
I can proudly say that I am a little bit more emotionally continent. I still my accidents where my painful feelings overwhelm me, and I yell, blame, and judge despite my value of compassion and connection. And I’m noticing moments where I feel anger, jealousy, fear arise and maintain my calm.
I couldn’t have done it without John Kinyon and Ike Lasater’s self-connection process. This is how it might work for you.
So there you are. With your husband. You come home, and, again, he didn’t clean the counter, as promised. You think you don’t matter and that what you want doesn’t count. Angry thoughts are piling up one after the other. Yep. That sometimes happens.
Then you catch yourself. You’re getting triggered. Oops. Just in time to do the self-connection exercise. You move to a spot on your right (I always chose my right, so my body builds up an instinctive routine and doesn’t get confused in times of challenge) and focus your awareness on your breath. Just noticing it. Nothing else. Breathing in, I know I’m breathing in. Breathing out, I know I’m breathing out. Maybe a first sigh of relief of pausing.
Then you bring your attention to your physical sensations. Just an invitation to get out of your head and into your body. Maybe you’re sweaty, maybe your stomach is tight, maybe your heart is racing. Just bringing body and mind together, and ground yourself in the present moment. Your body cannot be anywhere else. Maybe a second sigh of relief of self-connection.
In this safe container of breath and body awareness you connect to your feelings. Wow. You might be surprised by your feelings. You might notice that there is sadness underneath your anger. A tender sadness. Maybe a fear too. A fear that you don’t matter, that there is not enough care and support for your needs. Ouch, maybe the pain of the thought that you are not good enough, that you are not worthy of connection, love, belonging.Maybe a third sigh of relief and self-compassion.
Breathing in, breathing out. Physical sensations. Feelings. More clarity about your needs.
This is it. Just some spaciousness to listen to yourself before you respond. Just an opportunity to hold your own experience with love and gentleness.
I’m curious to hear if this self-care helps you to respond with more loving-kindness, compassion, and understanding. It does for me.
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You want help to ground yourself in your breath, body, and feelings? Contact me 512-589-0482
512-589-0482 for a complimentary, discovery session. I would be delighted to work with you.
by Elly van Laar | Apr 16, 2014 | Compassion, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
Image courtesy to The Church in the Dale
I always thought that retreats are peaceful, tranquil, and joyful.
How wrong can you can be? This retreat was unnerving, disquieting, and disorienting.
In these two days I realized how much of my life has been dominated by my fear that I won’t get the love, acceptance, and support that I so deeply long for. I am creating my own suffering by expecting the world not to meet my needs.
Many of my critical, judgmental, and evaluative voices are my way of keeping people at a distance to minimize the risk that I will feel hurt, lonely, and scared.
I breathe into that realization. I let it sink in. A second insight comes up. These voices don’t indicate that I am not a good person, that there is something wrong with me, that I should practice harder to be compassionate with everyone. They are just a cry for help to trust that I am good enough, that I do matter, and that my presence is indeed a present to the world.
Gosh. This is what I help my clients with. And here I am struggling with this deeply ingrained fear of rejection, ridicule, and abandonment. I am so scared that I interpret every absence of a smile, every lack of a hug, every non-response as proof that I am rejected, etc.
And that’s where my critical thoughts come in handy. They reassure me that there is nothing wrong with me, and everything with them. Another brick in the wall to guard my vulnerable heart.
I wonder “What if I open up to this raw pain of loneliness? What if I gently embrace this fear that my needs for acceptance, mattering, and belonging won’t be met? What if I step into the courage to share myself nakedly, trembling in this old, habitual fear of isolation and lack of support and understanding?
It sounds pretty unpleasant and unappealing. I like the safety of the wall around me. I don’t see much of life, of the real presence of people, and I’m not sure if I’m missing out. Maybe I just want to stay inside these walls of habitual thoughts and reassure myself that everything is okay. That life is really wonderful in this dark, stuffed cave.
And yet… How would life be if I step out into what’s truly alive in me? No evaluation, just owning my experience. How would life be if I am fully aware of and responsive to how I contribute to my own suffering? No judgment, just an observation. How would life be if I create some spaciousness for other ways of being? No force, just experimenting.
It sounds scary. It sounds appealing.
…
Yeah.
…
Let’s do that…My thoughts might not be right after all.
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You want help to step fully into being you? Contact me 512-589-0482 to schedule a complimentary, discovery session to see if and how I can help.
by Elly van Laar | Apr 15, 2014 | Compassion, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
Image courtesy to Wikimedia
I love meditation. I love sitting on my cushion, lighting my candle, inviting the bell to sound, and bringing my attention to my in- and outbreath. And whenever a thought arises, labeling it as ‘thinking’. My meditation cushion is my sacred haven.
This morning I sit on my cushion again. I am so happy to have these 20 minutes to myself, to enjoy this open and loving space in which I can relax into my breath and let go of all my worries, anxieties, struggles, plans, and have-to’s. Just sitting and enjoying my breath.
“Now I understand why I felt so uncomfortable and disoriented at the retreat. That is my habitual fear of abandonment. It has nothing to do with the retreat, it has to do with an internalized pattern of fear. It is exactly the same experience I had when I was eight years old at girls scout camp.” It takes me a while, before I notice I am lost in my thoughts. I quickly label them as ‘thinking’ and bring my attention back to my breath. I relax and adjust my body as I breath in, and let go as I breath out. In, out. In, out.
“I remember how homesick I was, when my dad visited the camp. I just wanted him to take me home…” ‘Thinking!’ Bringing my attention back to my breath. In, out. In, out.
“I can talk to my empathy buddy about this. This is a rich topic to explore, and it would probably…” ‘Thinking.’
“What!? Who are you to interrupt this thought process? Who are you to tell me that I should go back to my breath and let go of my thoughts? Huh?! Who do you think you are to tell me to stop this super interesting line of thought?”
And finally it dawns on me. I am attached to my thoughts. They make up my identity. I don’t know whom I would be without my thoughts. Whom would I be in this wide open space of presence. It sounds too scary. Too little me. Too little of the well-known, carefully crafted person I’ve come to identify as Elly.
Thich Nhat Hanh talks about our historical and ultimate dimension. The ultimate dimension is the shore of liberation. It is the insight of interbeing, that we consist of self and non-self elements, that we all are waves and water.
I realize I am not so sure I want to be liberated. It sounds all yummy and good, and I realize I want to linger a little longer on the shore of the historical dimension. It is a well-known place that brings me comfort and security.
Let me just breathe into that attachment for now. Let me just breathe into my fear of letting go. In, out. In, out.
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You want help to let go of attachments? Contact me 512-589-0482 to schedule a complimentary, discovery session to see if and how I can help.
by Elly van Laar | Mar 26, 2014 | Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Personal Growth
I am inspired to write about watering the seeds of happiness, joy, and love. And I know no one who writes more clearly and profoundly about that practice of appreciation and support as Thich Nhat Hanh.
“Whether we have happiness or not depends on the seeds in our consciousness. If our seeds of compassion, understanding, and love are strong, those qualities will be able to manifest in us. If the seeds of anger, hostility, and sadness in us are strong, then we will experience much suffering. To understand someone, we have to be aware of the quality of the seeds in his store consciousness. And we need to remember that he is not solely responsible for those seeds. His ancestors, parents, and society are co-responsible for the quality of the seeds in his consciousness. When we understand this, we are able to feel compassion for that person. With understanding and love, we will know how to water our own beautiful seeds and those of others, and we will recognize seeds of suffering and find ways to transform them…”
“If we feel that there is someone whom we cannot help, it is only because we have not yet looked deeply enough into his or her circumstances. Everyone has some seeds of happiness. In some people they are weak, while in others they are strong. You might be the first person in many years to touch your friend’s seeds of happiness. Helpfulness lies in our ability to see and to water those wholesome seeds. If we only see greed, anger, and pride, we have not yet looked deeply enough.” (Understanding Our Mind, Parallax Press, 2006, p-45-46)
Wow. I feel so touched. I feel inspired to think of the one thing I can do today to water the seeds of joy, happiness, and love in my friend. And to think of one thing I can do today to water the seeds of trust, mattering, and appreciation in myself.
What is the one thing you can do today to water your own seeds of belonging, inclusion, and harmony in you and in your friend? What can you do today to strengthen the positive seeds and contribute to a better world?
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You want help to learn to water the seeds of peace, joy, and love in yourself? Contact me 512-589-0482 to schedule a complimentary, discovery session to see if and how I can help.
by Elly van Laar | Mar 25, 2014 | Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness
“Dear Venerable Teacher Thich Nhat Hanh, Dear Beloved Teacher Thay,…”
Even thinking about writing a letter to Thay to ask him to accept me as an aspirant member in the Order of Interbeing brings tears to my eyes. I feel so moved to approach him directly.
My hero, my role model, my anchor point in times of trouble, my light at the end of the tunnel, my hope and encouragement.
In this moment of despair and my inability to open my heart to my suffering, I feel so deeply moved to know that support is available, that I have a path through this moment of grief, sadness and pain.
Just sitting here and thinking about my letter to Thay, asking him directly for help on my path of mindfulness and compassion, telling him how much I want to be able to hold all suffering, all pain -my own, as well as those of others- touch the seeds of hope and trust. I enjoy feeling the gentle touch of my tears rolling down my cheeks.
None of my troubles have been resolved yet, I still feel my loneliness and grief, and I feel relieved to be in touch with these feelings. This rawness, this tenderness, is such a better place to be in, than this constricted wall around me.
“Dear Thay, I write to you with so much reverence, so much appreciation, and so much respect for your teachings in this world. My life has changed profoundly ever since I attended your retreat in 2008, and I started reading your books. My understanding and skillfulness has deepened so much since I started to practice with my beloved Plum Blossom Sangha. I know that this path helps me to transform my suffering and sorrow into love, joy, and harmony. I trust that this transformation will benefit all beings, my family, my friends, my society. I love you.”
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You want help to find your source of support and encouragement? Contact me 512-589-0482 to schedule a complimentary, discovery session to see if and how I can help.
