by Elly van Laar | Mar 11, 2014 | Compassion, Mindfulness, Personal Growth
I don’t like conflict. I don’t like yelling, arguments, barking. Even a harsh tone sets me off. I get triggered, scared and anxious. I’ll walk away, hide and disconnect. I don’t want to deal with the anger, and I don’t even think I have to deal with it. Why should I be the one with empathic ears? Why can’t the other person be more peaceful and loving?
I try to take care of my anxiety by talking to my inner child. “I see how scared you are, how your needs for safety and acceptance aren’t met. I will take really good care of you. I will protect and nurture you.” With a slight indignant, self-righteous tone -I have to admit- angry that I don’t get the support I think I am entitled to.
Yesterday my inner child talks back. Delighted and cheerful: “I’m not scared. I’m happy. I feel snug. I liked my good night snack, and I’m happy to go to bed. Don’t worry about me. I’m really enjoying this present moment.”
What?
My inner child is happy? Relaxed and open? Innocent and trusting?
With a shock I realize that what I always perceived as my inner child, is actually my inner ego. It is actually a wall of defense I’ve built around myself.
I once couldn’t think of a better way to meet my needs for safety and acceptance. Now it is outdated. The war is long gone, and I’m still hiding in a bunker, holding an empty bundle of blankets. My inner child isn’t there, my inner child is by long running on the beach, splashing in the water, loving the sun. She invites me to play with her, out of sheer joy of being alive. She doesn’t force me to join her. She accepts whatever choice I make. She just makes a BIG invitation.
Gosh, all this time I thought I was protecting my inner child, whilst I was actually guarding my ego, missing out on life as it goes by.
I realize that my inner child, that I LOVE this moment, that I am happy whatever my circumstances are. I can truly say “Present Moment, Wonderful Moment.”
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You want help to fully live your life right now? Contact me 512-589-0482. I would be excited to help you on the path of openness and spaciousness.
by Elly van Laar | Mar 3, 2014 | Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
Listening to the bell, I feel my afflictions
begin to dissolve.
My mind is calm, my body relaxed.
A smile is born on my lips.
Following the bell’s sound,
my breathing guides me back
to the safe island of mindfulness.
In the garden of my heart,
the flower of peace blooms beautifully.
Namo Shakyamunaye Buddhaya
Thich Nhat Hanh, The Great Bell Chant, Youtube
I sit on my meditation cushion. I breathe in and feel my somberness, my listlessness, my lack of purpose and meaning. Who cares whether I live or die? I’m not sure I do. Do I even like my life? I don’t know. Do I even like myself? I don’t think so.
A wave of shock rushes through me.
I would never talk to my clients, my friends like that. I would never judge them as losers, failures, nobodies, when they experience this much despair, this much existential fear and sadness.
I would sit with them, listen carefully, opening up to their pain. I would embrace their suffering with compassion, letting them know that I am here for them. My heart would soften as I listen to their despair, their struggles.
I feel tender as I see myself sit on my cushion. A woman with such a sincere intention to contribute, to relief suffering, to bring joy, love and harmony. A woman who’s just trying, really trying and sometimes feels overwhelmed by her inner demons. Her sadness and despair, her regrets and sorrows.
This woman doesn’t need disapproval and rejection. This woman needs a tender, loving embrace. Someone who tells her how special she is and how much happier their life is with her in it. I feel a tenderness growing. Like a little daffodil, arising from the dark earth into the sunny meadow.
I can do that. I can hold myself with that gentle love, accepting all parts of me.
A smile is born on my face.
I don’t have to be happy and cheerful all the time. I can accept myself as I am, right now. And in that tender, safe embrace the flower of peace blooms in my heart.
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You want help to embrace all parts within yourself? To bring loving-kindness to yourself, because it is such a miracle that you’re here? Contact me 512-589-0482 for a complimentary, discovery session. I would be honored to help you bring self-acceptance and compassion to yourself.
by Elly van Laar | Feb 27, 2014 | Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth
Gosh, I have such fantastic work. I can’t think of a better fit between my qualities and aspirations and what I do right now. My clients are a continuous source of inspiration and hope for me.
Today I talked with Frank. He is getting married. He came in last week, noticing that he was becoming more and more dependent on the approval of his fiancee, her taking the lead, and him complying with her wants and desires. He was losing some of the vulnerability that radiated through the early stages of dating.
We talk about the challenge in committed, intimate relationships of finding balance between autonomy and authentic self-expression on the one hand and togetherness and acceptance on the other. How we often give up on the one in favor of the other, because we just can’t figure out how we can have both at the same time.
Maybe we don’t trust that we matter enough. We cannot imagine anyone caring só much that they are willing to stay, while we pursue our dreams. We cannot imagine that someone will encourage us and stay connected. “Fly on your wings to your destination, I’ll hold you in my heart with unconditional love and acceptance. I’ll wait for you to return.” We think we have to give up on ourselves, hide certain aspects to get the love and acceptance we so long for.
My client is not alone in this. I have certainly thought that more than once. And you probably too.
Today he comes back. He seems tender. He tells me about a conversation he had with his fiancee. He is moved as he shares. He told her he wanted a relationship that was based on their vulnerability, that honored their independence and nurtured their togetherness. She was touched as she listened. She had tears in her eyes and a smile on her face. She wants that too. It is só important to her. She is grateful he brings it up. She feels hopeful that they have what it takes to venture into this unknown land of radical honesty and loving connection.
Today I celebrate that my client is my teacher. Thank you, Frank, for allowing me to witness how vulnerability, self-connection, and authentic expression shift relationships to new levels of intimacy, trust and tenderness. I feel honored working with you.
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You want to explore how you can be vulnerable, authentic and intimate with your partner? Contact me 512-589-0482 for a complimentary, discovery session. I would be honored to talk with you.
by Elly van Laar | Feb 25, 2014 | Acceptance, Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth
Tonight in our Nonviolent Communication Practice Group we talk about triggers. “Think of a moment these last past days when you got triggered and you think you didn’t handle it well.”
Mine is easy. Traffic. People who hang in the left lane, next to a car in the right lane, and go at or below maximum speed. Blocking my use of the full road ahead of me. Slowing me down. Making me arrive late for my nanny kids.
Last Thursday I was five minutes late. Kiran was waiting with his teacher. In the hallway. I felt sad. I want him to know how much I care about him, how important he is to me, how excited I am to see him. Being late doesn’t tell that. It might tell him he gets third on my priority list. After my plans and my goals.
David empathizes with me “You have a need for care, to contribute and support?”
“Yeah. And now I realize that if I would leave the house five minutes earlier, I would not be so stressed for time. If I would stop trying to finish all my plans, I would be calmer and more patient on the road… That is actually a need for acceptance… Accepting that I can only do so much in a day. That if I do this, I cannot do that. If I write this email, I cannot call that friend. If I cook a meal, I cannot clean the kitchen floor.
And that that is okay. I’m probably half way my life, and I realize I cannot do everything anyway. I can’t do ànd improv ànd ceramics ànd hip hop classes ànd knit my sweater ànd start restorative circles ànd expand my business ànd become a certified NVC-trainer ànd travel the world AND connect to my family and friends. Some things won’t get done by me in this life time. If I accept that, I won’t push myself to do everything last minute. I would relax and accept that what I d0 is enough.”
“Does it also have to do with impermanence?”
That’s right on the spot.
The day has now ended, our lives are shorter.
Now we look carefully: what have we done?
Noble Sangha, with all our heart,
Let us be diligent, engaging in the practice.
Let us live deeply, free from our afflictions,
aware of impermanence,
so that life does not drift away without meaning.
Yes. That’s it. Understanding that life is to be lived, not done. It’s not about making a living, but making a life. Right here, right now. Doing less, being more. Remember? The less I am attached to results, and the more I am focused on the joy of the process, the more I can celebrate the sheer fact that I am alive. And that is enough. More than enough.
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I offer coaching to help you live more deeply. Contact me 512-589-0482. I would be honored to help.
by Elly van Laar | Feb 14, 2014 | Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
10:30, I am excited. My first mediation triad! An opportunity to mediate my own conflict! Mediating your own stuff might not sound yummy to you, but to me it sounds empowering. If I have the tools, skills and consciousness to navigate difficult conversations -especially those where I think my sense of worth and mattering are on the table- I am sure that I can create happy, healthy and safe relationships with anyone I want.
We start with me being the disputant, Faith as my counterpart and Candace as the mediator.
It works fine. I’m getting my point across, and I understand what Faith -as my counterpart- is saying.
Then we change seats. I am the mediator, Faith is me, and Candace is my counterpart. Faith -as Elly- starts to speak. I am immediately triggered by what she says, and especially how she says it. It sounds very much like me, but not the ‘me’ I want to be. And certainly not the ‘me’ I want to be seen.
I move to the self-connection chair. An empty chair next to me, where I can move on to, when I am triggered. To practice such a safe space in my own mind. And while I sit there, I focus on my breath. Real simple. One breath in, one breath out. Then I focus on my feelings. One breath in, one breath out. I feel anxious and scared. Then I connect to my needs. One breath in, one breath out. I want acceptance for who I am, from others, and certainly from myself. Then I switch back to the mediator seat.
During this whole self-connection practice, I listen to Faith playing me. I reflect her back and check if I get her, to nurture her need to be heard.
This self-connection practice doesn’t take me out of connection, it takes me more deeply in it. It expands it, by adding self-connection to it. While I am connecting to you, I am connecting to myself as well. And this self-connection helps me to bring the full me to the table, all of me. My fears, frustration, sadness, joy, anything I feel and need in this moment. And the awareness that those are just experiences in this moment, that I am more than that.
It enriches the connection to an extent that I find surprising. You don’t need to express what is happening inside, as long as you get it yourself and you embrace it with compassion.
It allows you to acknowledge your pain, and putting it on hold for now, and relate to the other from the heart, instead of from your subconscious trigger.
And that creates a whole lot of freedom, and a whole lot of loving.
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You want help to practice self-connection in the heat of the moment? Contact me 512-589-0482. I am honored to help you.
Thank you, Ike Lasater and John Kinyon for this practice and insight.
by Elly van Laar | Feb 6, 2014 | Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth
“I am at my Plum Blossom Sangha retreat. We are with 700 or more people at a beautiful location. One member handmade chocolate bonbons for everyone. There are at least 60 left, after we all take one. I am impressed with her efforts and ability to make so many treats. I get stressed making a cake for four friends.
I leave the retreat with inner calm, peacefulness and joy of being part of this beloved community. I am stepping out into the world energized and confident that I can respond with mindfulness and compassion to anything on my way.
As I approach the bridge over the large, wide river, I see a bunch of 10-year old boys with cats and kittens in their arms. They’re standing on the bridge, watching their friends swim in the river 60 feet below. I feel touched. What a sweet sight to see this rowdies care for those cats.
Then, all of a sudden, one boy throws his cat in the river. The cat panics, he hardly can stay afloat and almost drowns. I am horrified. I get so angry that I yell and scream at the boy. He is not impressed. He doesn’t care about the terror of the cat at all. He is rather amused with it.
Finally, I grab him by his neck and throw him in the river. I want him to feel what he did to the cat. I want him to be compassionate.
I feel ashamed as I walk off. How can I respond with such anger to the lack of compassion? What kind of Sangha-member am I that I can’t extend my compassion to the uncompassionate one? What happened to my carefully crafted mindfulness?”
As I wake up from my dream, I realize that I cannot inspire compassion in others, unless I embrace their sadist part. As long as I am stuck in repulsion, I cannot extend an open heart and invite them to relieve the suffering of all beings, instead of contributing to it.
And I realize that I cannot embrace their torturous pleasure, if I cannot embrace those parts within myself.
“Approach what you find repulsive, help the ones you think you cannot help, go to places that scare you.”
This dream makes it crystal clear where my repulsive and scary places are: within myself.
I don’t like conflict. I don’t like yelling, arguments, barking. Even a harsh tone sets me off. I get triggered, scared and anxious. I’ll walk away, hide and disconnect. I don’t want to deal with the anger, and I don’t even think I have to deal with it. Why should I be the one with empathic ears? Why can’t the other person be more peaceful and loving?
