by Elly van Laar | Feb 18, 2014 | Mindfulness, Self-compassion
“In the practice of mediation, an upright posture is extremely important. Having an upright back is not an artificial posture. It is natural to the human body. When you slouch, that is unusual. You can’t breathe properly when you slouch, and slouching is also a sign of giving in to neurosis. So when you sit erect, you are proclaiming to yourself and to the rest of the world that you are going to be a warrior, a fully human being.” (Shambala, the Sacred Path of the Warrior, Chogyam Ttrungpa, 2007, 18-26).
Trungpa gives us the following instruction for sitting meditation: we focus our attention on our out-breath, and adjust our posture on our in-breath. When a thought arises, we label it ‘thinking’ and bring our attention back to our breath. This harmonizes body and mind.
I love proclaiming my spot, my humanity, my warriorship, so this morning I’m gonna pay special attention to adjusting my posture to regal position on every in-breath.
I follow my out-breath and adjust my posture on my in-breath, I follow my out-breath. ‘I’m a warrior. I like that.’ ‘Thinking’: right on the spot!
I follow my out-breath and adjust my posture on my in-breath. ‘Garbanzo beans and broccoli. Enough protein. Enough vitamins. Hum. Not so yummy. Too dry. Maybe add tomatoes?’ ‘Thinking’ ‘I got that one too!’
Back to out-breath, adjust posture. ‘Tempeh is too dry, too. Good for protein, not for taste. I don’t have veganaise, so how shall I make it more creamy? Oh! I have tempeh sausages! Super! That is so yummy! It adds bite, flavor, protein. Perfect combination!’ I feel relieved and satisfied with my breakfast solution. Really satisfied. I’m looking forward to eating it. Minutes pass before I even notice how entangled I am in my thoughts. When I finally notice, I feel so disoriented that I don’t even label my thoughts as ‘thinking’. I go straight back to my out-breath, posture and in-breath.
Gosh, I knew mediation is hard work, and I never expected it to be this hard. “It has to be on the dot, right on the dot.”
Let that be my practice, to be on the spot, right on the spot.
—–
You want help to be on the spot, right on the spot? Contact me 512-589-0482. I would love to share my practice with you.
by Elly van Laar | Feb 14, 2014 | Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
10:30, I am excited. My first mediation triad! An opportunity to mediate my own conflict! Mediating your own stuff might not sound yummy to you, but to me it sounds empowering. If I have the tools, skills and consciousness to navigate difficult conversations -especially those where I think my sense of worth and mattering are on the table- I am sure that I can create happy, healthy and safe relationships with anyone I want.
We start with me being the disputant, Faith as my counterpart and Candace as the mediator.
It works fine. I’m getting my point across, and I understand what Faith -as my counterpart- is saying.
Then we change seats. I am the mediator, Faith is me, and Candace is my counterpart. Faith -as Elly- starts to speak. I am immediately triggered by what she says, and especially how she says it. It sounds very much like me, but not the ‘me’ I want to be. And certainly not the ‘me’ I want to be seen.
I move to the self-connection chair. An empty chair next to me, where I can move on to, when I am triggered. To practice such a safe space in my own mind. And while I sit there, I focus on my breath. Real simple. One breath in, one breath out. Then I focus on my feelings. One breath in, one breath out. I feel anxious and scared. Then I connect to my needs. One breath in, one breath out. I want acceptance for who I am, from others, and certainly from myself. Then I switch back to the mediator seat.
During this whole self-connection practice, I listen to Faith playing me. I reflect her back and check if I get her, to nurture her need to be heard.
This self-connection practice doesn’t take me out of connection, it takes me more deeply in it. It expands it, by adding self-connection to it. While I am connecting to you, I am connecting to myself as well. And this self-connection helps me to bring the full me to the table, all of me. My fears, frustration, sadness, joy, anything I feel and need in this moment. And the awareness that those are just experiences in this moment, that I am more than that.
It enriches the connection to an extent that I find surprising. You don’t need to express what is happening inside, as long as you get it yourself and you embrace it with compassion.
It allows you to acknowledge your pain, and putting it on hold for now, and relate to the other from the heart, instead of from your subconscious trigger.
And that creates a whole lot of freedom, and a whole lot of loving.
—–
You want help to practice self-connection in the heat of the moment? Contact me 512-589-0482. I am honored to help you.
Thank you, Ike Lasater and John Kinyon for this practice and insight.
by Elly van Laar | Feb 13, 2014 | Acceptance, Compassionate Communication, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
I’m cleaning our guest room. I dread it. The task seems overwhelming. The room is filled with little rattletraps and the desk hasn’t been cleaned for more than five years. It just collected stuff upon stuff, dust upon dust.
I decide to clean for an hour, then stop. I don’t have to catch up with the cleaning arrears all at once. I can do it one bit at a time.
I think of Peter Senge’s ‘The Fifth Discipline‘. He writes about the emotional overwhelm we feel, when the difference between our perceived reality and our aspired vision seems too big. We don’t trust that we will ever be able to reach our dream, and to avoid the pain of this unfulfillable vision, we give up on what we truly want. We resign to what we think will never change: an unsatisfying marriage, overweight, financial scarcity, low self-worth, a simmering conflict. We pretend we accept our situation, so we don’t need to face up to the pain of not having what we want, and fearing we will never get it.
I have been in that place of stuckness more than once. And I have been in the place of holding on to my dream, ferociously trying to find ways to make it work, even in the face of discouragement and disbelief. Peter Senge calls that creative tension. It generates the energy to move forward.
I have found that I am more energized to take a step, when I realize I don’t need to get to the top in one jump. You know ‘A journey of a thousand miles starts with one step.’
When I am brutally honest about my current situation ànd passionate about my dream, I can invite my future self to tell me how she got there, and then take that one step. And then, maybe, rest a little. Celebrating the commitment it took to take that one step. Maybe learning if it didn’t get me closer to my vision.
You don’t need to get from toddler class to the PhD program in one year. It is fine if you start with the alphabet and 1+1=2. You can take your time to cycle through all the classes. That doesn’t make you stupid, slow or bad at it. It makes you a champion of personal mastery and a hero of holding on to your dream.
To my fellow participants in the Mediate Your Life Intensive who feel overwhelmed: hang in there and focus on the one skill you can practice. That is your first step to your aspiration of mediating your life. And one step is all you can take in this moment. That is enough.
May we enjoy being on a journey!
—–
You need help to figure out your next step? Contact me 512-589-0482. I would be honored to help.
by Elly van Laar | Feb 3, 2014 | Compassion, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
Celebrating life
My eight-year old nanny friend dances when everyone is watching. She loves that. Her eyes grow big, she catches your look, and she swings her hips, sways her hands, turns, tumbles, jumps, swings and flic flacs. She shows everything she has ever seen on YouTube, and adds a little Maya to it.
I love watching her.
There is pure beauty in watching this young girl enjoy being her, and enjoy other people seeing her. There is no shame, no hiding, just the full celebration of herself. She thinks the world is way more wonderful with Maya in it.
And I agree.
I wished we all would think about ourselves like that: What a wonderful world with me in it.
Can you?
Maybe not. Maybe you experienced ridicule, neglect, criticism when you danced. Maybe you always had to strive for more, when you showed your soccer tricks. Maybe you were corrected, when you read your first book. Maybe you interpreted all these responses as indications that whatever you do, it is never good enough. That you are never good enough.
We are good enough
We are exactly as we should be in this moment: ourselves. A unique manifestation of life. Whether we are angry, discouraged, sad, scared, happy. We are always this unique opportunity to be seen for what it means to be a human in this moment.
And that is wonderful
Let us all dance as if everyone is watching.
And let us all love watching.
—–
You want help to celebrate your life? Contact me, 512-589-0482. I would be honored and happy to help.
by Elly van Laar | Feb 2, 2014 | Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
Listening to your anger
My client suffers from road rage. Her rides turn into anger, yelling and frustration. She arrives upset and disturbed.
Anger impacts her relationships too.
She wants my help to deal with her anger more mindfully.
In a visualization exercise she asks her anger what it is about, and what it wants from her, so that it can relax and let her live her life grounded in her values. She asks her resistance against the anger the same questions.
She cries when she opens her eyes. “I need an outlet. I have so much anger in me. My childhood was drenched in anger and yelling. It was the only communication in my family.”
“Did anyone ever walk up to you, when you were angry? Did anyone ever stretch out their arms to you, when you were throwing a fit, and tell you ‘I’m here for you. I see how angry you are. I won’t go away. You matter to me.’ Did anyone ever just sit with you, creating a safe space where you could experience your anger and maintain connection?
She looks at me bewildered. “No! I was punished and sent to my room.”
Even now she thinks that that is the only reasonable response to anger. To express your anger with yelling and throwing a fit is childish.
“It is not childish. It is your child. It is the little child within you that cannot think of any other way to be heard. It is your inner child that desperately wants help for her suffering and longing.”
She looks at me bewildered, again. She had never even thought about her anger this way.
“When you think of yourself as this little child, maybe two years old, ‘throwing a fit to get her way’, what do you think she actually wanted?” “Attention.” “And if she would get attention, what precious need would be fulfilled?” “Belonging”, she says, with tears in her eyes.
We just want to belong
Just to know that you belong. That you matter. That someone cares about you, and wants to include you.
Such a beautiful, simple need.
How can we be angry with ourselves when we scream and yell in our despair, because we don’t know any other way to ask for help? How can we judge ourselves because we so desperately want to belong, to be seen, to matter?
We don’t need labels, judgments,punishment when we scream and yell. We need compassion. We need someone to stretch out their arms to us and tell us “I’m here to help. I’ll stay as long as you need. You matter. To me.”
That is the only way to heal. Ourselves. The world. Let us stretch out our arms to each other and say “I’m here for you. How can I help?”
—–
Contact me if you want my help to deal with your anger more mindfully 512-589-0482.
by Elly van Laar | Jan 30, 2014 | Compassion, Self-compassion
Once upon a time, in a country far, far away lived a king
He was lonely. He had no one to share his life, his love and his kingdom.
One day he decides to straddle his horse and find himself a queen. He searches through forest and beach, through mountains and plains, through deserts and snow, and finally finds her on the other side of the ocean. He is infatuated by her smile. She falls in love with his humor, his hands, his wisdom.
He takes her home as his happy bride
Then, one day, disaster strikes. A tornado hits the kingdom and destroys the barns, the crops, their livelihood. The kingdom weeps and the king desperately seeks money to help his people. To no avail.
Creditors bang on his door and threaten to take his stove away. They come back and threaten to take his furniture away. They come back and threaten to take his palace away.
As he gets more afraid, he starts to bark. He worked so hard, he gave it his all, and it turned into dust. His barks call on storms.
As she gets more sad, she starts to cry. She traveled the world, she gave him her best, and it was not enough. Her tears burn holes in the ground.
Friends
Then, one morning she wakes up and discovers flowers, where once there were holes. She sees the sun shine. She feels the warmth in her heart and the strength of her hands.
She is not alone in this. She has communities. She has friends and family. She can ask for help. She sits down and prays “Thank you for the prosperity I enjoy, the riches I can share. Thank you for everything I received and can give to others. Help me bring more prosperity and abundance into our lives.”
A kind soul from the East responds. “I am here to help. You are not alone. You have the answer in your heart. Your life energy will show you where to find the golden grain that will bring you wealth.”
And so the queen does. She helps a lady across the street and gets an apple. She plants the seed, and it bears fruit of silver and gold in the Fall. Enough to feed the kingdom.
Thanks to a little help from a friend.
—–
All you need is a little help from your friends. Just ask. Contact me at 512-589-0482 to see how I can help.
—–
P.S.: Someone calls me as I write this blog. I just listen, open to celebrate her successes with Nonviolent Communication. At the end of our conversation I ask if she wants to engage my help. She says ‘yes’. The universe takes care of us in miraculous ways, if we are willing to surrender to life.
—–
Grateful thanks to my beloved husband for his edits.
“In the practice of mediation, an upright posture is extremely important. Having an upright back is not an artificial posture. It is natural to the human body. When you slouch, that is unusual. You can’t breathe properly when you slouch, and slouching is also a sign of giving in to neurosis. So when you sit erect, you are proclaiming to yourself and to the rest of the world that you are going to be a warrior, a fully human being.” (Shambala, the Sacred Path of the Warrior, Chogyam Ttrungpa, 2007, 18-26).
