by Elly van Laar | Dec 24, 2013 | Compassion, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
I’m watching Maya and her friends practice their dance performance. I get tears in my eyes. Life bursting into unfolding. Eight years old. Girls practicing being a pop star. They take it so seriously. They radiate with joy and energy. This is the most important thing right now. To prepare for the talent show in Spring. To get the steps right, the lyrics and the costumes.
This is what life is all about. To live life to the fullest. To know what is important to you and to sculpture yourself into the person you want to be, and maximize your contribution. To give it your best. Dance like no one is watching.
Can you imagine what the world would look like if we all give ourselves fully and completely? Open, excited, só happy to be us? Grasping thís moment to share ourselves. For no other reason than that the joy of being us, of being alive.
Gosh. There ís suffering in the world. There ís pain and hurt. There ís anger and fear.
We need to get together and create compassionate communities. We need to create safe havens where we can heal, integrate and be nourished. So that we can bloom and blossom. So that we can nurture gardens of happy flowers, a beauty for everyone to see.
Can you imagine what the world would look like if it is full of people having the excitement and joy of being themselves? Can you imagine a world full of dancing circles?
I can.
I wish you a merry Christmas, full of love, connection, and belonging. May you find the joy and excitement to live life to the fullest.
If you want my help to deepen your self-compassion, healing and integration, contact me for a complimentary, discovery session.
by Elly van Laar | Dec 23, 2013 | Fear, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
I wake up and I feel heavy with fear. Literally heavy. It seems almost impossible to move this heavy weight out of bed.
I remember Pema Chodrön‘s invitation to lean into heavy feelings, to lean into the sharp points, and feel the groundlessness of our existence.
This seems a perfect moment to accept the invitation and lean into my fear.
I breathe in, and bring my attention to this dread, this apprehension, this fear. I let it cycle through me, and scrupulously observe it’s different aspects.
It turns into terror, then blind panic, then an overwhelming blackness and feverish nightmare. It grasps me, chokes me, I can’t wake up from it. I sweat and tremble.
Which idiot ever thought this was a good practice? Which imbecile ever thought that leaning into your fear was a good idea? Pema Chödron probably never experienced such consuming feelings. Never experienced the certainty of going crazy and lose your mind. Like forever. Like really forever being stuck in that nightmare.
I feel my breath go faster. I feel my body tighten. I am noticing I am bringing my attention to my breath. To my body. To my feelings. I feel into my experience. It doesn’t get much more comfortable, ànd it stabilizes. I’m getting calmer, more solid.
I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know how it’s happening. But after five minutes I get up. I feel light, relax, open. I made it. Leaning into your feelings might be a good idea after all.
If you want my help to deepen your self-compassion, healing and integration, contact me for a complimentary, discovery session.
by Elly van Laar | Dec 22, 2013 | Acceptance, Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Self-compassion
I feel a surge of compassion rise within me. For myself. Compassion for all the choices I have made. For all the pain I have created. For myself. For others.
I did the best I could and I made mistakes. The consequences are painful and scary.
I need compassion, not criticism and rejection. I need help to get out of this situation and to heal the wounds. To make new choices that bring love, joy and harmony in the world. To accept my habitual fear of rejection. To come from a place of strength and wisdom. I need help to honor what I truly want. To live an Elly-life that brings more Elly-ness in the world. This is the only time I can make that happen.
Self-rejection and self-criticism are not gonna do it. Self-compassion will.
I feel a surge of compassion rise within me. For others. Compassion for all the choices people make. For all the pain they have created. For themselves. For others.
They did the best they could and they made mistakes. The consequences are painful and sad.
They need compassion, not criticism and rejection. They need help to get out of their situation and to heal the wounds. To make new choices that bring love, joy and harmony in the world. To accept their fears, anger, despair. To come from a place of strength and wisdom. They need help to honor what they truly want. To live a life that brings their uniqueness in the world. This is the only time they can make that happen.
Rejection and criticism are not gonna do it. Compassion will.
Now is the time.
If you want my help to deepen your self-compassion, healing and integration, contact me for a complimentary, discovery session.
by Elly van Laar | Dec 19, 2013 | Acceptance, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
My dear child,
Can’t you see how beautiful you are?
Can’t you see you’re precious beyond words?
See how your smile lights up the room,
how your gentle presence fills our hearts with love.
Nothing you think, say or do
can take away from this eternal beauty within.
We love you without measure,
we respect, nurture, and cherish you.
Fill your heart with spaciousness,
and walk in the light of love,
knowing you are a true daughter of God,
carefully crafted in His image.
Compassion rules the world,
yours too.
Don’t let your failures fool you,
they reflect how hard you are trying
and how deep your commitment is.
Open your heart to the life within you,
celebrate your efforts and your failures:
they are the proud sign of your true self.
I wrote this poem after a deeply spiritual session with a dear client. I always make notes after each session, and send them to my clients for feedback whether they are correct and complete. This session was beyond words and logical reconstruction. I wrote a poem instead and post it here in honor of my friend, my client.
If you want my help to deepen your self-compassion, healing and integration, contact me for a complimentary, discovery session.
by Elly van Laar | Dec 18, 2013 | Acceptance, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
I just got off my daily prayer with Silent Unity. They pray with me that I am showered with prosperity and abundance, that God wants the highest good for me and that positive and sustaining results are created.
I cry. I soften in the sense of belonging, love and acceptance in this connection with God. My dreams and desires are accepted at face value. All the actions and choices I made so far are accepted without a shred of criticism. My current situation and steps are appreciated. Silent Unity encourages me to let go and let God. They invite me to relax into this moment, trusting that only good comes to me. To allow me to let go off my worries, anxieties and fear, and to bring my attention to what I càn do in this situation. I can focus on what is good, pure and loving within me, and hold myself as precious and beautiful.
Teyber and McClure write about a corrective emotional response when someone responds to you with care and compassion, where you expect rejection, exclusion and shame. You show up naked, covered with shit, and instead of the anticipated, repulsive reaction that you’ve learned to expect, the other approaches you with kindness, covers you with care and compassion and holds you close to their heart. This is the healing response we all long for.
Maybe for the first time in your life, you experience love, connection and belonging ànd being seen right for who you are. This healing helps you to bring that same compassion, care and acceptance to yourself.
Ever seen a three-year old play with a doll? Ever heard him talk to the doll in exactly the same way as his mom does to him?
That’s what this is all about. We have gathered all these negative, critical thoughts in our head. Things we heard our parents say, our teachers, our older siblings. That we are stupid, cowards, worthless. Now we’re adding positive thoughts and feelings. We are filling ourselves up with the knowledge that we are lovable and competent by nature.
Thàt’s how we can heal the world. When we replace our habitual criticism with compassion, support and understanding and bring full acceptance to one another, we let each other feel that we are in this boat together, and that we are here to help. We show each other that we care. That’s all we need to know.
by Elly van Laar | Dec 17, 2013 | Fear, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
There is something about fear that I really appreciate. Something about the moment that fear turns into blind panic and terror. When this happens and it lasts long enough, it dissolves into surrender, softening, letting go.
I’m not talking about the fear that comes up when our live and safety is threatened in this moment. I’m not talking about the fear when bombs fall, someone is coming at us with a knife, we get into a car crash.
I’m talking about anticipating fear. The fear that something will happen in the future. The fear that we won’t create enough income, that our husband is gonna leave us, that we’ll get a disease and die, that we’ll lose connection when we express our authentic truth. Those scenarios our mind chooses from all the possible scenarios and believes to be true. Anticipating fear.
When that fear grasps you long enough, there comes a moment when you cannot sustain it anymore. Your system doesn’t have enough capacity to be and terrified and continue living. It collapses.
Thàt’s the moment to catch. Thàt’s the opportunity to wake up to this moment and realize that all you have is the present moment. That there is really nothing else but this moment. This waking up is not the result of a mental exercise, trying to convince yourself that the future has no reality. It is a visceral experience of understanding your future is beyond your control. You feel in your body that the only thing you can influence is your intention, thoughts, speech and action, right now.
Once that awareness sunk in with me, I completely relaxed. My fears dissipated. All that was left is gratitude. For my hands which are able to hold a pen and write. For the four walls that keep the cold outside, and the warmth in. For the faucet that gives me easy access to water. For the carpenter that made the chair that supports me. For my husband who works, holds me, appreciates me. For my family and friends who are willing to help.
The gratitude list is endless. I giggle. My experiences are faster than my gratitude. There is só much to be grateful for, that I can’t keep up with it.
I’m watching Maya and her friends practice their dance performance. I get tears in my eyes. Life bursting into unfolding. Eight years old. Girls practicing being a pop star. They take it so seriously. They radiate with joy and energy. This is the most important thing right now. To prepare for the talent show in Spring. To get the steps right, the lyrics and the costumes.
