by Elly van Laar | Nov 8, 2014 | Compassion, Personal Growth
Three cabinets of books. Two closets of clothes. Earth ware scattered through the kitchen. Bins full with unfinished projects. And lots and lots of stuff from your childhood, your parents.
You want to clean up and you feel overwhelmed.
All this stuff you stored away in the nooks of your home, your garage, your shed. Things that carry emotional value. Things you might use later. Things that are worth dollars, maybe many.
How do you clean up without regrets, loss, pain? Without connecting to the dreams you never pursued, the friends you lost with time, the death of loved ones?
Cleaning up is reviewing your life. It is about cutting to the essence of what your life is about. The books you want to read, the clothes you want to wear, the projects you want to engage in. It is about creating clarity who you are and who you want to be. It is about what your life is meant to be.
It is also about planning your cleaning process, and accepting that it is both a journey and a result. That it might take long, and that that is fine. That every shelf you organize is one step closer to your goal. That you might not reach the top in one day, and that you can just as well enjoy the process while you are at it.
I have just finished cleaning up my home, and I want to share what worked for me:
- Work solidly for 25 minutes. Then take a five minute break. Remove yourself physically from your cleaning area. Go pee. Drink your tea mindfully. Do some T’ai Chi. Anything to refresh yourself. After four slots of 25 minutes working, take a half hour break to empty your mind and replenish your energy. Go for a walk, have lunch, do some yoga. Something to nurture yourself and reconnect to the joy of life.
- Connect to your breath with every object you pick up. One deep breath in, one deep breath out. What are you feeling? Joyful, excited, energized holding this object in your hand? Are you feeling tired, drained, depleted? When positive feelings come up, keep it. When negative feelings come up, either give it away (or sell it, if that is your thing) or put it in the “Not Sure Yet” bin, and review it next year.
- Get help from a friend, a sibling. Make it a fun, social event. You can also engage me to help you clean up and organize the process. I have helped myself and others, and I love it! You can read some of the testimonials here. You will be surprised how efficient and fun the process is when you hire me! Contact me 512-589-0482.
by Elly van Laar | Nov 1, 2014 | Compassion, Mindfulness, Personal Growth
Have you ever planted a seed? Carefully crafted a hole in the ground, planted it, and watered it every day? Have you ever felt that excitement, the anticipation of the moment the first leaves unfold on a warm, sunny day?
And then, after days and days, nothing happens? Sure, all the weed pierces through, happy with all the care and protection you offered. But none of the leaves of your beloved walnut pit.
You continue with watering, watching, weeding. But after weeks, you give up. Your planting program failed, the walnut is infertile, you move on to a new plan.
Too soon. While you were watching, weeding, watering, the walnut pit sprouted in the deep, dark safety of the earth. Your carefully crafted gardening plan slowly softened the hard shell. The roots started to dig deeper, the leaves started to reach for the light. And just before it popped up, you stopped with your care and protection, and the precious plant-to-be died, before it could manifest and grow into the magnificent walnut tree it was meant to be.
A friend complained that this mindfulness thing, this sitting meditation didn’t help at all. She suffered just as much from restlessness, depression, anxiety, and frustration. Hell, yeah, she even yelled more than before. She was done sitting on a cushion and observing her breath. It didn’t help at all.
Thich Nhat Hanh invites us to keep practicing mindfulness, joy, and compassion, even if we don’t see results right away. Some seeds in our store consciousness take a long time to sprout and grow into their potential. Some seeds are protected by such a hard shelf, that it takes patience and commitment, before the rain and the warmth of the earth finally help it sprout and grow up. Some seeds have been watered for so long, that their roots are strong, and they are firmly grounded in your habit energy.
The path of mindfulness, joy, and compassion is not about results, expecting peace, and opposing anger, depression, jealousy, and anxiety. The path is about loving to be a gardener and taking care of all the plants that manifest in our mind consciousness. Gently, patiently, and with delight. Looking at all the plants with a sense of wonder. “Oh, this is what anger looks like… I understand… Gosh, now I get what my neighbor is feeling…” “Ah, this is what craving feels like… My goodness, that’s what my friend must experience when she can’t stop drinking…”
In these moments of openness, acceptance, and curiosity, we can enjoy tending to our gardening with non-attachment and non-aversion, and trust that the innate qualities of love, life, and light will manifest in their own time.
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You want help to enjoy being mindful and open to life? Read testimonials of people who hired me as their coach. I would love to help you too! Contact me 512-589-0482 to schedule a free, discovery session.
by Elly van Laar | Oct 18, 2014 | Compassion, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
I’m sorting through my stuff. We might have to move. To a much smaller place. I couldn’t take much with me.
I’m holding all the books, all the shirts, all the letters, all my small boxes in my hands, and I am choosing which ones I can take, which ones I have to let go. I’m crying. I’m feeling a sadness and a sense of loss as I see the little book on love, hope, and faith my mother gave me years ago to encourage me through my divorce. The poetry a colleague gave me as a farewell gift when I left my job. The tap dancing shoes I bought for my new-found and never-pursued hobby. The plastic eggs I wanted to reuse with Easter. The left-over wool to knit Christmas decoration with.
All these projects I never finished. These books I never read. These clothes I never wore. These gifts of love I had forgot about.
I sort through them. Keep. Go. Keep. Go. Go. Go. Keep.
I bring two bags of clothes to Buffalo Exchange. They offer $12.50 store credit for one pair of shorts. They’ll donate the rest to local charity. I bring 12 books to Half Prize Books. They offer $11. A friend will pick up kitchen utensils and a food processor tomorrow.
I’m sorting through my stuff and I’m getting a sense of freedom. Spaciousness. Clarity.
These are the values I use as my selection criteria. This is what I want my loved ones to find if I die today. This is what I want to leave behind.
The rest is ballast, burden, attachment.
I’m sorting through my stuff and are getting to the bone of who I am and want to be. Light in body, spirit, and mind.
I’m sorting through my stuff and get to the essence of my life. This is what I want to do, read, wear. This is how I want to be. I am feeling a sense of deep peace arise in me. Life is not difficult. Life is not about having, keeping, planning. Life is about being open, loving, joyful. Life is about enjoying each and every moment, and give the best of yourself.
My favorite artist Ramses Shaffy has this fantastic song:
“De wereld heeft my failliet verklaard, ik heb me nog nooit zo goed en licht gevoeld als nu. Ik heb me nog nooit zo schoon en bevrijd gevoeld als nu.”
Listen to it. Even if you don’t understand the words, you’ll get the jubilant energy of dropping all your luggage and walking light and free. Bankruptcy is a gift of God, not of society. Gosh, I love cleaning up and letting go!
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You want help to sort through your stuff, mourn and letting go? Read testimonials of people who hired me as their personal organizer. I would love to help you too! Contact me 512-589-0482 to schedule a free, discovery session.
by Elly van Laar | Oct 15, 2014 | Acceptance, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
Last Saturday I wrote how humor can help us take our own desires a bit more lightly, and allow us to relieve some of the shame and embarrassment around our feelings and wants. “Yep, I want to do a striptease, that’s just my thing. Haha”. Not to make fun of ourselves, but to invite ourselves to accept our own desires for what they are: just desires, not a reflection of our self-worth. Humor can help us befriend ourselves.
Rick Hanson talks about befriending yourself as a key ingredient of self-care. Being on your own side. Accepting yourself. Taking a stance for who and how you are, with all your desires, however you feel about having them. He offers an exercise to deepen your friendship with yourself. This is my summary:
- Sit in a comfortable position, and connect to your breath as it flows through you. A quiet, private space can help you focus and feel safe.
- Think of a moment, a situation where you really took a stand for someone, listened with an open heart, supported with care and compassion, protected them from harm, encouraged them to grow into their best selves, helped them heal and grief. A moment where you really took someone’s side and supported them wholeheartedly.
- What did you do? What did you say? How did you feel? Which needs were met? Which values were alive? Connect to yourself, while you put your hand on that part of your body where this experience resonates, to reinforce the neural pathways of what being a friend means to you. Breathe in all the positive feelings, all the needs met. Take your time to fully connect to this experience of taking a stand.
- Now extend this experience of friendship to yourself. Imagine you befriending yourself in the same profound way. What does that look like, how does your life change, if you take a stand for yourself each and every day? Reflect on this, and ACT on it! Throughout this day. Throughout tomorrow. Throughout all days. So that your friendship with yourself grows strong and helps you show up for who you truly are.
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You want help to befriend yourself? Contact me 512-589-0482 to schedule a free, discovery session.
by Elly van Laar | Oct 11, 2014 | Personal Growth
Sharing humor is a great way to build relationships. That’s what Gottman says. Laughing about each other’s jokes, building on each other’s puns, making funny faces. It doesn’t matter what you do or say, as long as it makes you both laugh. Sharing humor creates a sort of capital that you can draw from in case of emergency. It builds a resilience container that can hold you when you’re in an argument, an exit option from a heated discussion. It helps you see the human face of the person you now see as you’re enemy, because somewhere your brain tells you that this is the same guy, who makes you roll over on the ground in a giddy moment.
It is of course the easiest to build up your humor reservoir in times of happiness, trust, peace, connection, and safety. It is harder to change a habit of frowning, sulking, and chagrining at each others jokes, when you are entrenched in enemy images.
Although I think it is still worth a try. As long as you can laugh wholeheartedly, without any condescending tone, about the pun your husband makes (or your friend, sibling, or co-worker for that matter), or make a funny face back to your wife, or mimic their expression, or do whatever builds a relaxed atmosphere of joy and lightheartedness, do it. Even if just once. It is worth the try and it might relief tension.
Creating a sense of shared humor helps with sex too. That’s what I say. Often we feel embarrassed about our sexual desires, maybe even ashamed. When we introduce some playfulness into our love life, we practice hearing a ‘no’ and not taking it personally. We practice seeing ourselves and our partner as human beings, who want to connect even if they’re not willing to comply with each other’s requests. It certainly makes sex a whole lot more fun and relaxed.
Just try it out.
I’m pretty sure you’ll like it.
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You want help to bring more humor in the bedroom? Contact me 512-589-0482 to schedule a complimentary discovery session.
by Elly van Laar | Oct 8, 2014 | Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth
Let’s talk about sex.
“Sexual activity motivated by craving always harms myself as well as others”. “Sexual desire is not love”. “Running after wealth, fame, power and sensual pleasures can bring much suffering and despair.”
Thich Nhat Hanh’s 5 Mindfulness Trainings. I recite them every day.
Hum, maybe let’s not talk about sex. Sex is a lot about craving, desire, and pure pleasure, so how can it be in alignment with any Buddhist teaching on freeing oneself of craving and attachment?
For the longest time I thought that Buddhist sex is loving, tender, and compassionate, sure, but none of the hot, steaming, erotic stuff that I sometimes dream of.
We read this story this Yom Kippur: Maggid of Zlotchov was asked how Abraham could have kept the laws, if they had not been given yet? His answer was: “All that is needful,” he said, “is to love G*d. If you are about to do something and you think it might lessen your love, then you will know it is sin. If you are about to do something and think it will increase your love, you will know that your will is in keeping with the will of G*d. That is what Abraham did.” I think any Buddhist practitioner would agree that that is what the Buddhist teachings our all about: to relieve suffering, and contribute to freedom, love, and peace.
So how is having hot, erotic, wall-socket sex in alignment with these teachings?
I think one of the greatest acts of courage -the word is grounded in the French words for heart and love: “coeur”- is to be willing to be vulnerable and show up with all our thoughts, feelings, and needs, even those we judge as dark, non-mindful, and despicable. When we are willing to stand our fear and shame, tremble in our vulnerability, and have the courage to risk rejection and ridicule, we are willing to create a sense of intimacy that allows our love to be based in our true self. We share our desires and longings, because we want to be close to our loved one and be known for who we are. We are willing to give ourselves in the rawness of our craving, because we know there is no true love, without true understanding. When we offer our sexual desires and fantasies as precious expressions of who we are, with no demand energy, nor aversion, just openly, freely, and maybe even playfully, they bring more love in the world. They are a vote of confidence and trust in our partner, and they deepen our intimacy.
That is certainly in alignment with Abraham’s law. I guess with Thich Nhat Hanh’s teachings too. So put on your sexy outfit and get it going!
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You want help to express your sexual desires more freely? Contact me 512-589-0482 to schedule a complimentary discovery session.
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Thank you Doyle Banks, for inspiring me to write about sex!
All this stuff you stored away in the nooks of your home, your garage, your shed. Things that carry emotional value. Things you might use later. Things that are worth dollars, maybe many.
