by Elly van Laar | Feb 26, 2016 | Compassionate Communication, Nonviolent Communication, NVC, Personal Growth
I feel too excited to write a post. I am booked on a panel at SXSW, the biggest film and music festival in Austin. The panel is about responding with compassion to online harassment. (Thank you, David, for recommending me.)
I have about 15 minutes to speak and my mind is racing with ideas.
- Key idea: “Every behavior is an attempt to meet precious, universal needs”
- Secondary idea: “We might resort to protective use of force, if the other party is not willing to include our needs.”
- Bring jackal ears.
Jackal ears, Image courtesy David Nayer, 2014
- Bring giraffe ears.
- Edit feelings-needs list with David.
- Make mind map and review with David. (Gosh! It is all about David!)
- Renew business cards.
- Practice in front of mirror.
- Rehearse with David. (David who?)
- Be ready to be invited to do SOMETHING REALLY BIG! Become famous? Get ready for TV!
What?
I pause and focus on my breath. I check in with myself. TRUST. My key word for 2016. Can I trust that I have more than enough inner qualities to contribute? Can I trust my inner compass to focus on what the audience needs, how their lives could be enriched? Can I trust that I can cocreate a space with the audience, where we explore how to respond with compassion and empathy to online hatred? Can we combine our collective wisdom and walk away with insights beyond our imagination? Am I willing to be humble enough to offer my shoulders to stand on, so my audience can look beyond my offerings and see what is possible in our world? Just like others offered their shoulders? Marshall Rosenberg, Thich Nhat Hanh, my husband David?
I pause. I feel super excited about that. It is a different kind of excitement. Less frantic. Less mind boggling. More open. More tender. More from the heart.
You want help to offer your shoulders to stand on? Contact me, 512-589-0482 for a free, discovery session.
Thank you, David Nayer, for your excitement to collaborate on nurturing compassion and empathy in our community.
by Elly van Laar | Jan 22, 2016 | Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, NVC, Personal Growth
“If readers have a sincere desire to make life miserable for themselves, they might learn to compare themselves to other people.” (Dan Greenburg in: Rosenberg M., Nonviolent Communication, a language of life, 2003, p. 18)
Did you ever do the comparison game?
It is very simple. You look at the results you created in your life and compare them with those of others. I am very good at that game. I compare myself a lot. With siblings, community members, colleagues. With Martin Luther King, Mother Theresa, Thich Nhat Hanh. I look at my life and at theirs, and I always fall short. At a bad day, I take it personally and start to think that there is something wrong with me. That I am a loser. A failure. That I am unworthy.
In the (perceived) absence of results, I come up with reasons.
“I had a challenging childhood. Now I suffer from low self-worth.” “I’m too insecure to get the word out about my business.” You probably have your own reasons to soften the pain of the comparison.
What if it is true? What if my life circumstances didn’t give me a head start? Does that mean that I can’t move forward and take a step on my path of aspiration?
Imagine a marathon. The winner has it all: perfect age, support team, running shoes. And then, 20 hours after the winner crosses the finish line, comes in the man on crutches. One leg. No coaches. No fancy shoes. He didn’t win the race. Wouldn’t he be your hero? Wouldn’t you be in awe that he dedicated his life to fulfill his dream? That he started practicing? Started running? With all he got? I know I bow to the ground for him. He is my inspiration to give life all I have, however much it is.
We all have different starting points in life. And we all can move forward. One step at a time. We might not have a clear end result in mind, we might not have a clue what we want our business to look like 12 years from now. And we know what our deepest values are. Who we want to be right here, right now. Empathic, compassionate, mindful for me. Something else for you.
Building a business starts with being. Building a business is building our character. Then we naturally start doing. And from the doing comes the having.
You want to learn to Build a Business? Contact me, 512-589-0482 for a free, discovery session.
by Elly van Laar | Jan 16, 2016 | Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, NVC
“There is a world of difference between a complaint and a criticism. A complaint only addresses the specific action (…). A criticism is more global -it adds on some negative words about your mate’s character or personality. (…) A criticism ups the ante by throwing in blame and general character assassination.” (Gottman, J.M. and Silver, N., The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 1999, p. 27-28)
The third and last step of Beginning Anew is sharing your complaint.
The first step, appreciation, builds a context of turning toward. It conveys the message “Hey, I really like you and I value our connection.”
The second step, expressing regret, tells “I want to learn how to be a better friend to you.” You own your responsibility for the dynamic of the relationship and you acknowledge your contribution to needs unmet.
The third step is an invitation for your friend to reflect how her behavior might have contributed to your needs being unmet.
Complaints follow the same pattern as any other NVC-expression:
- Observation: the specific action you refer to, as factual as a robot would describe, had he been in the room. Without judgments, evaluations or interpretations.
- Needs that were unmet. Needs are universal, strategies are local in space and time. We all want love, acceptance, belonging, autonomy, safety, purpose, etc. We chose different strategies to meet those needs. Some might meet their needs for purpose and contribution by working for Amnesty International, others by designing a high-performance, light-weight car wheel.
- Feelings that arose from those needs being unmet, like anger, sadness, fear, disgust, contempt, surprise or flavors of those. Feelings often have a physical experience. Pseudo-feelings have a thought mixed in with them, usually blame about how someone did wrong. Pseudo-feelings could be: neglected, ignored, disrespected, violated, put down.
If you combine these three NVC-elements, your complaint might sound something like this: “When I came home last night and saw two plates and a pot with food remains in them, I felt sad and irritated, because I have a need for support. You could end your complaint with a connection request: “What did you hear me say?” or “How does that land for you?”
Because your message starts with an observation the other person can confirm, you are less likely to trigger a defensive response. Your roommate would probably agree that that’s what she left behind. When you would say “The kitchen was a mess” or “You are inconsiderate and egoistic.”, she might start to argue. Feelings and needs help your roommate understand your reality: these are the feelings I have (instead of pretending my thoughts about you are the truth) and those needs are important for me. This invites your roommate to empathize with you. “Oh, I didn’t know you cared about a clean kitchen and wanted support.”
I’m curious to read how translating your criticism into a complaint changes your relationship.
You want to learn to Begin Anew? Contact me, 512-589-0482 for a free, discovery session.
by Elly van Laar | Jan 1, 2016 | Compassionate Communication, Empathy, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, NVC
The second step of Beginning Anew is expressing regret.
The first step, appreciation, builds a context where you see the other person and yourself as human beings with the ability to contribute to life. Your appreciation conveys the message that you include yourself in the respect for your basic goodness. Regret isn’t an invitation to beat up on you, do the “you’re-a-bad-person” bashing or play a guilt trip. Regret is not about taking the blame for how the other person feels. Regret is about mourning what you did that contributed to needs being unmet.
An apology NVC-style is the same as any other NVC-expression: observations, feelings, needs: “I feel sad to see you feel upset over the way I expressed myself. I understand your needs for emotional safety, consideration and respect weren’t met. I wished I had taken three deep breaths to calm myself down and remind myself of my aspiration to show up with compassion and empathy.” Your regret can end with a connection request: “What did you hear me say?” or: “How does that land for you?” Or you can end with a solution request: “What can I say or do to restore connection and trust?”
When you express a regret, you want to keep in mind that what you did (or didn’t do) is not who you are. You are not a bad, disrespectful, inconsiderate, egoistic person, because you did something you regret in retrospect. When you made the choice you now regret, you tried to meet a precious, universal need. Perhaps you didn’t have enough resources and creativity to make a choice that included all needs: yours and those of other stakeholders. When you hold your actions as the tragic expression of unmet needs, you build a container of self-acceptance and self-compassion. This compassionate environment supports learning how to show up differently and honor your values.
Expressing regret is also an opportunity to learn about the other person, their sensitivities, vulnerabilities, and needs. Your regret is an acknowledgment of their pain. You convey that you are aware of how your actions contributed to the pain of their unmet needs and that you care enough about them and the relationship to express your mourning.
Once your regret is shared and understood, you both can brainstorm strategies that might have worked better. You can ask for input to expand the creativity and resources you were lacking in the first place.
The first step of “Beginning Anew” is appreciation. The second is regret. This is the basis for deeper understanding and compassion. For others. For ourselves.
You want to learn to Begin Anew? Contact me, 512-589-0482 for a free, discovery session.
by Elly van Laar | Dec 18, 2015 | Compassionate Communication, Nonviolent Communication, NVC
When you wished your partner, sibling, co-worker had shown up differently, don’t complain.
Start with appreciation.
What did they say or do that contributed to your needs? How did they enrich your well-being?
You wonder how this helps getting your complaint across?
Your complaints isn’t the only thing happening.
If you start with your complaint you’re missing the big picture. Some of your needs are met, and some of your needs are unmet. Both are happening at the same time. It is about seeing the positive and the negative in your partner. It is acknowledging that they are more than their actions. Even if those actions triggered pain in you, their failure might not be intentional. It might be the consequence of their own overwhelm, ignorance or deficit of needs. Starting with appreciation, helps convey to your partner that their human needs matter, as much as yours. When you start with appreciation, you acknowledge the needs being met and you empower your partner to support from a place of “We”.
Beginning Anew is about building relationships.
In this safe environment, your partner can hear your complaint as an invitation to connect and understand. It establishes trust that your complaint is not a rejection of them, nor an expression of their wrongdoing. Neither is it about shaming and proving your moral superiority. Nor is it a license to blow up and get your frustration off your chest, without considering the needs of your partner.
Beginning Anew is the start of a learning cycle.
You express what worked for you, before you express what didn’t work for you. You share the idiosyncratic manual of your well-being, without demand-energy or blame. Just facts of life: this apparently works for me, this apparently doesn’t work for me. When you start with appreciation, it is easier for your partner to listen. We learn best when we feel safe and have a sense of unconditional acceptance of our basic human goodness. Our brain relaxes, we let our defenses down and our pre-frontal cortex can receive the information necessary to learn and better serve all needs.
If you want your complaint to be heard, start with appreciation. Sincere appreciation that comes from your heart. Pretty sure your complaint will be heard.
You want help to Begin Anew? Contact me for a free, discovery session, 512-589-0482.
THANKS, DAVID! Thank you for editing this post and adding your idea that beginning anew is about seeing the big picture. I think it helped clarify my point. Love, your weiffie, Elly.
by Elly van Laar | Dec 11, 2015 | Compassionate Communication, Nonviolent Communication, NVC
We “receive appreciation with the same quality of empathy we express when listening to other messages. We hear what we have done that contributed to others’ well-being; we hear their feelings and the needs that were fulfilled. We take into our hearts the joyous reality that we can each enhance the quality of others’ lives.” (Rosenberg, M, Nonviolent Communication, A Language Of Life, 2003, p. 188)
There is nothing to be shy about. There is nothing to be proud about. There is everything to be happy about: life is wonderful when we contribute to needs being met! We celebrate needs met: ours or others. Receiving appreciation is letting go of our inferiority complex, our superiority complex, or even our notions of equality.
Appreciation is beyond judgement.
Receiving appreciation NVC-style is stepping into the understanding that we inter-are and that your happiness is connected to my happiness, that we share an inter-happiness. We don’t need a special skill to contribute. We don’t need to hide in embarrassment when our contribution is appreciated. We don’t need to pretend that everyone would have done the same. Receiving appreciation has nothing to do with wondering if we are worthy of appreciation.
Receiving appreciation is the unique opportunity to deepen our understanding of the needs that are alive and important to the other person. It is a quality of understanding that is like reading a personal manual of their idiosyncratic well-being.
It is also an opportunity to know ourselves and understand our contribution-niche: these are the actions that I enjoy taking that others enjoy receiving. It may be a signpost for the crossroads of our purpose in life: “this is what I am good at, that brings more joy and happiness in the world.” When we receive appreciation we open up to “the awareness that God has given everyone the power to enrich the lives of others.” (Rosenberg, p. 189).
When we receive appreciation in this way, we give a boost to our aspirations: what if we did this everyday? Wouldn’t that make the world a better place? For you and for me?
You want help to receive appreciation? Contact me for a free, discovery session, 512-589-0482.
