I don’t like conflict. I don’t like yelling, arguments, barking. Even a harsh tone sets me off. I get triggered, scared and anxious. I’ll walk away, hide and disconnect. I don’t want to deal with the anger, and I don’t even think I have to deal with it. Why should I be the one with empathic ears? Why can’t the other person be more peaceful and loving?
I try to take care of my anxiety by talking to my inner child. “I see how scared you are, how your needs for safety and acceptance aren’t met. I will take really good care of you. I will protect and nurture you.” With a slight indignant, self-righteous tone -I have to admit- angry that I don’t get the support I think I am entitled to.
Yesterday my inner child talks back. Delighted and cheerful: “I’m not scared. I’m happy. I feel snug. I liked my good night snack, and I’m happy to go to bed. Don’t worry about me. I’m really enjoying this present moment.”
My inner child is happy? Relaxed and open? Innocent and trusting?
With a shock I realize that what I always perceived as my inner child, is actually my inner ego. It is actually a wall of defense I’ve built around myself.
I once couldn’t think of a better way to meet my needs for safety and acceptance. Now it is outdated. The war is long gone, and I’m still hiding in a bunker, holding an empty bundle of blankets. My inner child isn’t there, my inner child is by long running on the beach, splashing in the water, loving the sun. She invites me to play with her, out of sheer joy of being alive. She doesn’t force me to join her. She accepts whatever choice I make. She just makes a BIG invitation.
Gosh, all this time I thought I was protecting my inner child, whilst I was actually guarding my ego, missing out on life as it goes by.
I realize that my inner child, that I LOVE this moment, that I am happy whatever my circumstances are. I can truly say “Present Moment, Wonderful Moment.”
You want help to fully live your life right now? Contact me 512-589-0482. I would be excited to help you on the path of openness and spaciousness.