by Elly van Laar | Mar 20, 2015 | Acceptance, Compassion, Mindfulness, Self-compassion
Mara brought me a visit today. Right during meditation.
He usually does that. I don’t know how he knows when I’m gonna sit -my schedule is rather erratic- but he knows. As if he is around the corner, waiting for me to ring the bell, then barge into my room, pull up a chair, and talk right in my face. Rather loudly too. I never understood how my husband sleeps through his barking, but he does.
Mara rants in a non-stop stream of words: “You should do butterflies to transform your pain, not this stupid chunking along with your plans. You’re too attached to your ego, you don’t live from your heart. You’re not funny enough, your website doesn’t have nearly as much humor as your sister’s. You’re not giving enough, you don’t really love from your heart, serving without attachment or expectation.”
A constant cascade of words that undermine my self-confidence, self-acceptance, and self-compassion.
This time it’s different. I remember how Mara threw arrows at Buddha, and how Buddha transformed each of them into flowers.
Mara is just doing what he is supposed to do: to create a world of illusion, of suffering, of despair. Nothing wrong with that. We each have a role to play, and Mara is playing his to the best of his abilities. There would not be any mindfulness, any compassion, if it were not for the suffering in the world.
No mud, no lotus.
All I need to do is to bring my awareness back to my breath, my thoughts, my feelings.
Breathing in, I know I am breathing in.
Breathing out, I know I am breathing out.
In.
Out.
Breathing in, I know I have feelings of loneliness, sadness, shame in me.
Breathing out, I smile to the feelings of loneliness, sadness, shame in me.
Breathing in, I know I have seeds of solidity and peace in me.
Breathing out, I smile to the seeds of solidity and peace in me.
I look at Mara. He looks rather cute on the tiny, red seahorse chair. “Hey friend, thank you for visiting me. I would love to hear what you have to say. I’ll listen to you after my sit.”
Breathing in, I know I have unconditional love in me.
Breathing out, I smile to the unconditional love in me.
You want help to smile to all your thoughts, feelings, and sensations? Contact me for a free, discovery session. I would be delighted to help, 512-589-0482.
by Elly van Laar | Feb 7, 2015 | Acceptance, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
I’m feeling angry. I’ gonna practice holding my anger with compassion and rehearse the lines Thich Nhat Hanh gives us: “Dear Anger, I know you’re there…. I’ll take good… F*ck… I… hate you being here!”
Hum. Not exactly it. Let’s try again.
“Dear Anger, I know you’re there… I’ll take good… You know what!!! I’m gonna ignore you. I’m gonna pretend you’re not here and continue doing what I planned to do, even though I’m shaking.”
Hum. Okay. That didn’t work either. Third try.
“Dear Anger, I know you’re there… And you know what!!!… I’m gonna lash out and yell!… Commitments and mindfulness practices, get out of my way, and let me go on my rant!”
My goodness, holding my anger with compassion and mindfulness is much harder than I thought. I feel shame that I have anger. I think I am a lesser person, because I don’t receive every remark, every action with insight and love, see them as an opportunity to deepen intimacy and learning. Oh my goodness, I think I am a failure on the path of mindfulness and Nonviolence.
Gosh, after all those years of practicing with my Sangha, and learning -even teaching- Nonviolent Communication, I still struggle to say: “Dear Anger, I know you’re there and I will take good care of you.”
I resist my anger, I don’t want to have it. Stephen Hayes has an exercise to work with anger ànd your resistance to it.
- Scan your physical sensations and put your hand on the spot, where your anger lives.
- Invite your anger to sit with you. In front of you, or next of you, far or close. Whatever you feel comfortable with it.
- Observe your anger: the smell, sound, taste, form, touch. Maybe it has an age, a name.
- Ask two set of questions. 1. What is the important message you have for me? What is it you want me to know about you? 2. What do you want me to do for you, so that you can relax and calm down, and let me live my life grounded in my values, dreams, and aspirations?
- When you are ready, do the same thing with your resistance, and ask the same two questions.
- As soon as you have a sense of completeness, bring your feelings back into your body and put your hand on your heart. Ask your heart which step brings you closer to your aspired future self.
I have always found this process helpful being more at peace and whole within myself, and getting unstuck. I hope it helps you too.
You want help embracing your anger and your resistance to it with compassion and understanding? Contact me to schedule a free discovery session, 512-589-0482.
by Elly van Laar | Jan 31, 2015 | Acceptance, Compassion, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
This Wednesday I flew out to Atlanta to renew my passport. At first I was frustrated about the hassle, and the consumption of time and money.
Then I decided to make it an adventure and see it as an unique opportunity to visit a city, its people, and its highlights.
So I visited the birth home of Martin Luther King Jr., the The Martin Luther King, Jr., National Historic Site, and The King Center. I walked away with even more awe for the radical love, the ultimate fearlessness, and the relentless commitment to social justice, truth, and inclusion Martin Luther King Jr. had. Here stood a man who was dedicated to serve others, no matter the personal cost. I don’t think he spent much time hanging out in front of the television, chatting with friends, dangling his feet in the swimming pool. Here was a man on a mission , who did not waste his time mindlessly, who used every minute, every second of his life in pursuit of his dream.
My mind starts racing. “I should educate myself on philosophy, I should not watch Elementary, I should talk about big topics. I should be on a mission to convert everyone to veganism, to restorative justice, to Nonviolent Communication. I should volunteer to take the place of a death row inmate and let myself be executed or refuse to pay taxes as a statement of the injustice of the punitive system. I should not lull myself into sleep that I do enough.”
You know me well enough to imagine the rest of the drill.
Then I read Martin Luther King’s ‘What’s Your Life’s Blueprint’ in The Radical King (Edited and introduced by Cornel West, 2015, 66-67)
“And when you discover what you’re going to be in life, set out to do it as if God almighty called you at this particular moment in history to do it. (…) If it falls to be your lot to be a street sweeper, sweep streets like Michelangelo painted pictures. Sweep streets like Beethoven composed music. Sweep streets like Leontyne Price sings before the Metropolitan Opera. And sweep streets like Shakespeare wrote poetry. Sweep streets so well that the hosts of Heaven and Earth will pause and say, “Here lived a great street sweeper who swept his job well.” “
And I realize that all I need to do right here, right now is to be the best Elly possible. As a wife, a nanny, a coach. As Elly. Be mindful of everything I am. Bring joy and delight to everything I do. And take a radical stance for compassion, acceptance, and love. For myself. And for others.
That’s good enough.
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Want help to take a radical stand for yourself? Contact me 512-589-0482. I would be excited to work with you.
by Elly van Laar | Jan 28, 2015 | Personal Growth, Self-compassion
Last Saturday I took my first hip hop class ever. I was so excited! I had been wanting to take classes for years, and always told myself I had no money, no time, no spaciousness. After moving, I decided to pick up one hobby, and hip hop was my choice.
I expected to be completely confused about all the moves and steps, to be by far the oldest, to have the least snazzy outfit. And yes, that was exactly what happened.
And what I hadn’t expected, was that I would cry for the first 15 minutes solidly. Tenderly. Tears rolled down my eyes, no drama, just a deep sense of gratefulness that I had taken the class. 43 Years after I first wanted to be a dancer.
I wasn’t the oldest, I was the youngest. Here sat the six-year old Elly who so deeply wanted to take ballet classes, and was told that that was not her thing. She was sent to girls scout instead. For 43 years that big dream got covered under home work, chores, family events, work, community commitments.
And now, after all those years, I am finally listening to the little girl inside me, and honoring her wish to be a dancer. Of course, I won’t make it to the professional stage. I don’t need to, I don’t even want to. I am happy with blogging, coaching, and mediating. That’s so me. And in the weekends I can become the best dancer Elly can be.
I didn’t get the steps right, the moves were too complicated, the speed was too fast, and when I finally mastered one move, the class applauded me. I cried again. My six year old was delighted.
January 20, I wrote a post about dying at peace, in harmony with myself. I know I am heading there, now that I chose to live my life to the fullest right here, right now.
With my six-year old. And all the other parts of me.
I am very, very happy.
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Want help honoring your inner child? Contact me 512-589-0482. I would be excited to work with you.
by Elly van Laar | Jan 23, 2015 | Acceptance, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
When I lived in the Netherlands, I loved to go on bird excursions. Every Thursday in April I would get up at 5:00, leave at 5:45, and bike to the dunes in The Hague. I would gather with 15 or so other bird watchers and then go off on a bird watching expedition.
“Shush… I hear a nightingale.” Everyone freezes in their movement, attentively listening to what might be a nightingale. Or a lark, a robin, a tomtit. Whispering. Quiet. We don’t want to disturb the birds and spoil our fun. We are always equally excited, however mundane or unique the bird. Every bird seems a treat from heaven. And even if we see none, we enjoy the elevated anticipation.
Not once did I have the inclination to mediate between birds quarreling over their domain. Not once did I feel the urge to interfere on behalf of the bird that didn’t attract a mate. Not once did I step in to portion out the food more fairly.
I just watched, carefully observing their behavior, their colors, their sounds. I just had this sincere longing to get to know them.
This Monday during an empathy session I realize how differently I treat my own thoughts and feelings. I judge, evaluate, criticize them constantly, and most of all I want to change them. Into more acceptable thoughts and feelings. I talked about how my back pain had kept me up at night. I interrupted myself, saying I was babbling. I didn’t even notice the judgment in that word. My empathy buddy did. With a shock I see how harsh I can be about myself, thinking my thoughts and feelings are not good enough, thinking I am not good enough.
And all of a sudden I imagine how open, relaxed, compassionate, free flowing my life would be if I watch my own thoughts and feelings with the same openhearted curiosity as when I watch birds. “Oh, here is a flock of grackles. They are loud and chase the other birds away. Fascinating.” “Ah, there is a Caroline wren, her little tail pops up as she sits. So cute.” “Wow, there is a cardinal, I wonder where his mate is.” Accepting whatever comes along, or doesn’t come along.
All these thoughts and feelings flying in and out of my head. On a rainy day, a sunny day, through wind and hail. What a delightful image. I am happy to welcome and observe them.
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Want help to practice observing your thoughts and feelings with acceptance? Contact me 512-589-0482. I would be honored to help.
by Elly van Laar | Oct 18, 2014 | Compassion, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
I’m sorting through my stuff. We might have to move. To a much smaller place. I couldn’t take much with me.
I’m holding all the books, all the shirts, all the letters, all my small boxes in my hands, and I am choosing which ones I can take, which ones I have to let go. I’m crying. I’m feeling a sadness and a sense of loss as I see the little book on love, hope, and faith my mother gave me years ago to encourage me through my divorce. The poetry a colleague gave me as a farewell gift when I left my job. The tap dancing shoes I bought for my new-found and never-pursued hobby. The plastic eggs I wanted to reuse with Easter. The left-over wool to knit Christmas decoration with.
All these projects I never finished. These books I never read. These clothes I never wore. These gifts of love I had forgot about.
I sort through them. Keep. Go. Keep. Go. Go. Go. Keep.
I bring two bags of clothes to Buffalo Exchange. They offer $12.50 store credit for one pair of shorts. They’ll donate the rest to local charity. I bring 12 books to Half Prize Books. They offer $11. A friend will pick up kitchen utensils and a food processor tomorrow.
I’m sorting through my stuff and I’m getting a sense of freedom. Spaciousness. Clarity.
These are the values I use as my selection criteria. This is what I want my loved ones to find if I die today. This is what I want to leave behind.
The rest is ballast, burden, attachment.
I’m sorting through my stuff and are getting to the bone of who I am and want to be. Light in body, spirit, and mind.
I’m sorting through my stuff and get to the essence of my life. This is what I want to do, read, wear. This is how I want to be. I am feeling a sense of deep peace arise in me. Life is not difficult. Life is not about having, keeping, planning. Life is about being open, loving, joyful. Life is about enjoying each and every moment, and give the best of yourself.
My favorite artist Ramses Shaffy has this fantastic song:
“De wereld heeft my failliet verklaard, ik heb me nog nooit zo goed en licht gevoeld als nu. Ik heb me nog nooit zo schoon en bevrijd gevoeld als nu.”
Listen to it. Even if you don’t understand the words, you’ll get the jubilant energy of dropping all your luggage and walking light and free. Bankruptcy is a gift of God, not of society. Gosh, I love cleaning up and letting go!
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You want help to sort through your stuff, mourn and letting go? Read testimonials of people who hired me as their personal organizer. I would love to help you too! Contact me 512-589-0482 to schedule a free, discovery session.
Mara rants in a non-stop stream of words: “You should do butterflies to transform your pain, not this stupid chunking along with your plans. You’re too attached to your ego, you don’t live from your heart. You’re not funny enough, your website doesn’t have nearly as much humor as your sister’s. You’re not giving enough, you don’t really love from your heart, serving without attachment or expectation.”
