by Elly van Laar | Nov 27, 2015 | Compassionate Communication, Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication, NVC
“When we use NVC (=Nonviolent Communication) to express appreciation, it is purely to celebrate, not to get something in return. Our sole intention is to celebrate the way our lives have been enriched by others.” (Rosenberg, M, Nonviolent Communication, A Language Of Life, 2003, p. 186)
Appreciation NVC-style inspires us to express ourselves in a way that fully reveals our experience without judging others. We share the specific actions that contributed to our well-being, the needs that have been fulfilled, and the feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those needs. The focus is to create a clear understanding of how our life was enriched. The specifics of our observation and the honesty about our feelings and needs enhance the impact of our communication. The lack of judgement invites a shared acceptance and connection around the purity of the celebration.
When our needs are unmet, requests help to ask for what we want.
When our needs are met, appreciation celebrates what worked for us.
Here is an example of what NVC-appreciation can sound like:
“When I saw your FB-message “You can absolutely use my cartoons! I just went to your blog and the cartoon looks so cute and I love your post! I’m thrilled that you like my cartoons enough to put some on your wonderful website.”, I felt excited, happy, and enthralled. It met my needs for support, creativity, and collaboration.”
Or, maybe less formal:
“Wow, I felt excited, happy and enthralled, when I read your FB-message. I so like the support, creativity and collaboration!”
Appreciation NVC-style might take more words. It might even be a bit more vulnerable to share our feelings and needs directly and honestly. I find NVC less gratuitous than praise (“You’re such an awesome person!” “That was a fantastic thing you did”), as it zooms in on the clarity of our experience and not on judging our supporter through praise. Marshall describes all “praise and compliments to be life-alienating;… it establishes the speaker as someone who sits in judgments.” (Rosenberg, M., p. 185)
We don’t want to sit in judgment. We want to be vulnerable and authentic. Appreciation takes us out of playing God. It brings us back to who we are and what we need. Appreciation helps deepen connection between two human beings who both have the power to enrich life and appreciate the contribution.
You want help to appreciate NVC-style? Contact me for a free, discovery session, 512-589-0482.
Thank you, Amy, for allowing me to use your cartoons on my website. I feel real excited to work together on a world with more compassion, empathy, and veganism! Add a link to RedandHowling, if you want to repost this cartoon.
by Elly van Laar | Nov 13, 2015 | Compassionate Communication, Empathy, Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication
“We demonstrate that we are making a request rather than a demand by how we respond when others don’t comply. If we are prepared to show an empathic understanding of what prevents someone from doing what we asked, then by my definition, we have made a request, not a demand.” (Rosenberg, M, Nonviolent Communication, A Language Of Life, 2003, p. 80-81)
What are requests?
Requests are not about getting what we want. Requests are a suggestion of a specific strategy that supports an unmet need or needs. A request is an invitation to a dialogue that intends to meet all needs, not just our own. They are the cherry on the NVC-cake. Hearing feelings, needs and a request empowers us to respond effectively in a way that requires no compromise. Requests are about building an understanding relationship based in trust and a willingness (maybe even enthusiasm) to see and support all needs. And because we have an excitement to include their needs, we are willing to hear a ‘no’ to our request. Any ‘no’ is a wonderful opportunity to empathize with the needs behind the ‘no’.
Requests versus demands
Sometimes we think we are making a request, when we actually are making a demand. How do we know we made a demand? By how we feel and think after we hear ‘no’. If we feel dejected, angry, disappointed, sad, we probably have made a demand. If we receive the “no” as a personal rejection, it’s probably a demand. If we interpret the “no” as an expression that we don’t matter, or as an insult, hum, yes, most likely a demand.
There is nothing wrong with demands.
It is part of our human fabric to want a ‘yes’. If we didn’t care about the answer, we probably wouldn’t have asked in the first place.
The trick is to recognize the feelings and thoughts when we hear ‘no’. When these feelings arise, our lesson is to know that we can shift our view of the other person: they are not an adversary or an opponent, they are a collaborator who can make life more wonderful! We can shift from separation to collaboration.
To support this shift we can empathize with the ‘no’. We can ask: “Which needs are not met if you said ‘yes’?” Or we can make a guess: “Do you think this request would limit your autonomy?” “Do you want to be heard about your ideas?” When we empathize with the ‘no’ we expand our awareness of all needs. With a deeper understanding of what’s alive behind the ‘no’, we will be more successful in finding strategies that support all needs. We make decisions that are not only more inclusive, they are also more sustainable: all parties are enthusiastic to uphold our agreement because they had a voice in the design of it.
You want help with requests? Contact me for a free, discovery session, 512-589-0482.
by Elly van Laar | Jul 31, 2015 | Compassion, Marshall Rosenberg, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication
I really don’t know. I’ve seen a dead one in our house, and I didn’t notice any negative impact on me, my husband, my health, my sense of well-being.
Image courtesy Fiep Westendorp: Zaza in “Pluk van de Petteflet” by Annie M.G. Schmidt
Yet, I do want to exterminate them immediately. I want to call pest control, and make sure they never, ever walk around in our house again.
How’s that?
I have an enemy image of cockroaches. I have a fixed set of negative ideas about them. I believe there is something inherently wrong with them. I fail to distinguish between their behavior and the beautiful living being, worthy of having their needs for safety, autonomy, appreciation met.
I know so little about the species in general, and this unique individual in specific, that my disgust easily leads me to think I have the right, maybe even the obligation, to exterminate them.
Disgust easily leads to enemy images. Disgust leads to disconnection, to withdrawal, to turning away. No one likes the feeling of disgust. Rather than turning toward the object that triggers this feeling, we try to make sure the object itself gets annihilated.
Who feels delighted when you smell the stench of puke? Who feels excited to clean up a floor flooded with poop and pee with their bare hands?
I guess no one. I certainly don’t.
That’s why I practice Phadhampa Sangye’s invitation to “approach what you find repulsive”. So that I can open up to all that life has to offer, and accept every little piece within myself, even the ones I find disgusting.
How so?
To prevent I cause harm out of my enemy image. I never forget that Paul Ekman and the Dalai Lama write about disgust as the main feeling that fueled the nazis to destroy the Jews. Had the feeling been fear or anger, some Jews might have survived. Because you can make amends for fear and anger. Iran can dismantle their nuclear installations and allow inspections of their sites. The policeman who shot an innocent victim can acknowledge the harm he contributed to and apologize.
There are hardly amendments for disgust.
At best, we can try to approach and embrace it, so we can transform any enemy image that arises from our disgust.
Do you want help to approach what you find repulsive? Contact me 512-589-0482 for a free discovery session to see if and how I can help you.
by Elly van Laar | Mar 31, 2015 | Marshall Rosenberg, Personal Growth
I had my birthday last week.
I carry pain around my birthdays. Not getting the presents I want. Having anxiety that I am not popular enough. Fearing that no one will like my parties. Things like that. It all boils down to the thought that my birthday is a litmus test of how much I am loved, how much I matter. And in the comparison with others I have often felt ashamed, thinking I am indeed not popular, not worthy enough. Dan Greenburg suggests “that if readers have a sincere desire to make life miserable for themselves, they might learn to compare themselves to other people” (Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication, a Language of Life, p. 18). I have found that absolutely true for me.
Image courtesy to David Nayer
This year was no different, especially since I turned 50, so the thought that I should throw myself a BIG party with many, many people showing up was even stronger.
As anxiety arose, conflict increased, till I finally decided to take off the day before my birthday and focus on self-care.
It was the best thing I could have done for myself. After receiving empathy, listening to my heart’s desire, and nurturing my own needs, I felt peaceful going to bed, thinking “What can I give to others?”. This was a shift from “What should others give to me?” It was too late to make presents, even cards, so I let the question go, just appreciating the shift and this new intention.
I woke up delighted with my life and my birthday. I put on my new dress, an orange crown, and indulged in the phone calls, emails, messages, cards, and friends showing up. I had a big smile on my face all day. It turned out that the biggest gift I could give others was my joy, and my celebration of life, especially my own. And in giving to others, I gave to myself.
You want help to share your delight about your life with others? Contact me for a free, discovery session. I would be delighted to help, 512-589-0482.
by Elly van Laar | Feb 19, 2015 | Acceptance, Compassionate Communication, Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication
When I first started my vegan diet, back in 2008, I felt self-conscious and even a bit embarrassed by my vegan choice. I thought I was too much of a burden for others, and if not, certainly a weirdo. someone from another planet. Whenever I asked for support, I carried some shame in my request, and even the mildest “No, so sorry, gosh, I wished I knew how to make you vegan food” confirmed my belief that there was something wrong with me wanting what I asked for. I was more or less convinced that I was not worth the trouble to accommodate my wishes. I tried to escape situations where I needed to speak up for my truth, so I would not feel the pain of my own lack of self-acceptance.
Reading The World Peace Diet transformed my fear of rejection and disconnect. The more I read about the horrors animals face as food commodities, the more joyfully I embraced my vegan preferences. In no way did I want to contribute to suffering, if the alternatives were so easy.
I changed from a self-conscious mumbling “Do you have vegan food?” into an enthusiastic, happy vegan. The level of self-acceptance changed the way I make requests. I am so excited about my choice, that I cannot imagine anyone not wanting to accommodate me. I offer my request with Santa-Claus energy: “Ho Ho Ho, hi there! I am so excited about my vegan diet! I am happy I don’t eat meat, fish, birds, eggs, milk, cheese, or any other animal product. I love veggies, fruits, nuts, seeds, and grains and beans. This chicken salad looks yummy. I wonder if you can make me one without the chicken, or the sauce, and give me an extra doses of avocado and sesame seeds instead?” And yes, for sure, they come back with the most beautiful dish on the table in a restaurant that hardly even has vegetarian food.
When you offer your request with Santa-Claus energy, as an unique opportunity to make your life more wonderful, a gift for them to contribute, you’ll probably get all the collaboration and support you want. Try it out. And if you need help to let go of your shame and embarrassment: contact me for a free, discovery session. I would be delighted to help, 512-589-0482.
by Elly van Laar | Feb 11, 2015 | Compassionate Communication, Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication
Today I learned of the passing away of Marshall Rosenberg, founder of Nonviolent Communication.
“Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing.”
It is the ability to postpone judgment, interpretation, and evaluation, so you can be with someone’s observations, feelings, needs, and desires. It is the willingness to be vulnerable and accept their perspective, to understand the world through their eyes.
Marshall Rosenberg’s teachings helped me to acknowledge the fact that I had needs, a fact that was unknown to me at that time. Yep, I always thought that I didn’t need anything or anyone. Never considered I wanted acceptance, belonging, respect. After the first revelation that I had needs, I learned that my feelings arose from my needs…. Du-uh?!… Aren’t others responsible for my feelings? I can’t blame them? Or thank them? Don’t I make people happy? (or sad, angry, lonely, scared) Am I not responsible for what they are feeling?
After a few years of calibrating the ideas that I have needs, and that my feelings are a result from my needs being met or unmet, I started to experiment with Marshall Rosenberg’s insights on requests. Making requests that are an invitation to collaboration and connection. Different from a demand, isn’t it?
Six years later I can tell that I think I am getting it. Maybe not completely, and I am getting there. Even better, last night I taught a class on collaboration. I used all my understanding of Nonviolent Communication. The assistant professor thought it was a phenomenal session that exemplified collaboration.
I want to share one precious memory I have of him. I participated in a training that he led. I was invited for a healing session with him. He impersonated my three-day old sister, who died when I was two. I had always seen her in my mind’s eye as an incapacitated person. Then he started empathizing with me, as her. And while I was talking with him -Marshall Rosenberg impersonating my younger sister- I clearly saw her aura around him.
I cried tender and much needed tears. After the session I realized that the younger sister that I always held as handicapped, had transformed into a mature woman, who was there whenever I needed her. This transformation was so profound that my life opened up, and I made choices I would never have dreamed of making.
Not everyone was happy with my choices. For me they were an expression of my autonomy and authenticity. I am deeply grateful for Marshall’s contribution to my courage to be honest with others and following my dream.
Marshall, you didn’t die January 7, 2015. You continue to live in my heart and through your contributions to this world. Thank you.
