by Elly van Laar | Jan 1, 2016 | Compassionate Communication, Empathy, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, NVC
The second step of Beginning Anew is expressing regret.
The first step, appreciation, builds a context where you see the other person and yourself as human beings with the ability to contribute to life. Your appreciation conveys the message that you include yourself in the respect for your basic goodness. Regret isn’t an invitation to beat up on you, do the “you’re-a-bad-person” bashing or play a guilt trip. Regret is not about taking the blame for how the other person feels. Regret is about mourning what you did that contributed to needs being unmet.
An apology NVC-style is the same as any other NVC-expression: observations, feelings, needs: “I feel sad to see you feel upset over the way I expressed myself. I understand your needs for emotional safety, consideration and respect weren’t met. I wished I had taken three deep breaths to calm myself down and remind myself of my aspiration to show up with compassion and empathy.” Your regret can end with a connection request: “What did you hear me say?” or: “How does that land for you?” Or you can end with a solution request: “What can I say or do to restore connection and trust?”
When you express a regret, you want to keep in mind that what you did (or didn’t do) is not who you are. You are not a bad, disrespectful, inconsiderate, egoistic person, because you did something you regret in retrospect. When you made the choice you now regret, you tried to meet a precious, universal need. Perhaps you didn’t have enough resources and creativity to make a choice that included all needs: yours and those of other stakeholders. When you hold your actions as the tragic expression of unmet needs, you build a container of self-acceptance and self-compassion. This compassionate environment supports learning how to show up differently and honor your values.
Expressing regret is also an opportunity to learn about the other person, their sensitivities, vulnerabilities, and needs. Your regret is an acknowledgment of their pain. You convey that you are aware of how your actions contributed to the pain of their unmet needs and that you care enough about them and the relationship to express your mourning.
Once your regret is shared and understood, you both can brainstorm strategies that might have worked better. You can ask for input to expand the creativity and resources you were lacking in the first place.
The first step of “Beginning Anew” is appreciation. The second is regret. This is the basis for deeper understanding and compassion. For others. For ourselves.
You want to learn to Begin Anew? Contact me, 512-589-0482 for a free, discovery session.
by Elly van Laar | Dec 25, 2015 | Compassion, Empathy
Loneliness is a tough feeling. At least for me. It has something to do with thinking that I am not lovable enough to belong. That there is something wrong with me, that I am not funny, cheerful, smart, pretty enough to be invited to the Christmas table. For me the toughest part about loneliness, is the shame I feel around it. I don’t want people to know that I am not invited, that I am not worthy enough to be welcomed. I am not taking the risk that people will find out the truth of my unlovability and confirm it. The shame keeps me from sharing my loneliness. So there I am, feeling lonely in my loneliness.
We all want a family where we belong and are accepted for who we are, with all our quirkiness, idiosyncratic weirdness, sensitivities. We all want a family that is willing to deal with their triggers around us, in a compassionate, empathic way. Without blame, criticism or demand that we have to change.
Not all of us have that kind of family (fortunately, I do, they are just an ocean away). For some, maybe many, our family didn’t have a sense of unconditional warmth and welcome. Our families didn’t have that unconditional commitment to turn toward each other, no matter the challenge and the pain. Many of us had families where triggers were met with turning against or turning away.
Christmas is one of these times where this pang of loneliness is most palpable. Because Christmas offers the assumption of warmth and welcome. We see people gather in family circles around the Christmas tree, and here we are, by ourselves. The pain is the result of seeing others have what we so desperately want: warmth, belonging, acceptance.
If that is true for you, I invite you to be your own family. I invite you to find the inner resources to have compassion and care for your own happiness. Maybe you can invite the parts within yourself at the Christmas table, whether you like them or not. Pull out a chair for your loneliness, your sadness, your grief, your anger, your fear, your joy. And if you’re up for it, offer a talking stick to each of them. And then listen. Just listen. What are they about? What do they want to be known for? Do they have a request of you, so they can relax and trust that you will take good care of them? And once in a while, breath into your resistance to their message. Welcome your resistance with the same love and open-hearted curiosity.
If you notice a deeper compassion and understanding for yourself, you could extend that compassion and care to everyone else who is in the same boat. If you don’t notice the softening of the heart, you can reach out for me. This Christmas, I am only a phone call away.
You want 6-minutes emergency empathy during the Holidays? Contact me, 512-589-0482.
by Elly van Laar | Nov 13, 2015 | Compassionate Communication, Empathy, Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication
“We demonstrate that we are making a request rather than a demand by how we respond when others don’t comply. If we are prepared to show an empathic understanding of what prevents someone from doing what we asked, then by my definition, we have made a request, not a demand.” (Rosenberg, M, Nonviolent Communication, A Language Of Life, 2003, p. 80-81)
What are requests?
Requests are not about getting what we want. Requests are a suggestion of a specific strategy that supports an unmet need or needs. A request is an invitation to a dialogue that intends to meet all needs, not just our own. They are the cherry on the NVC-cake. Hearing feelings, needs and a request empowers us to respond effectively in a way that requires no compromise. Requests are about building an understanding relationship based in trust and a willingness (maybe even enthusiasm) to see and support all needs. And because we have an excitement to include their needs, we are willing to hear a ‘no’ to our request. Any ‘no’ is a wonderful opportunity to empathize with the needs behind the ‘no’.
Requests versus demands
Sometimes we think we are making a request, when we actually are making a demand. How do we know we made a demand? By how we feel and think after we hear ‘no’. If we feel dejected, angry, disappointed, sad, we probably have made a demand. If we receive the “no” as a personal rejection, it’s probably a demand. If we interpret the “no” as an expression that we don’t matter, or as an insult, hum, yes, most likely a demand.
There is nothing wrong with demands.
It is part of our human fabric to want a ‘yes’. If we didn’t care about the answer, we probably wouldn’t have asked in the first place.
The trick is to recognize the feelings and thoughts when we hear ‘no’. When these feelings arise, our lesson is to know that we can shift our view of the other person: they are not an adversary or an opponent, they are a collaborator who can make life more wonderful! We can shift from separation to collaboration.
To support this shift we can empathize with the ‘no’. We can ask: “Which needs are not met if you said ‘yes’?” Or we can make a guess: “Do you think this request would limit your autonomy?” “Do you want to be heard about your ideas?” When we empathize with the ‘no’ we expand our awareness of all needs. With a deeper understanding of what’s alive behind the ‘no’, we will be more successful in finding strategies that support all needs. We make decisions that are not only more inclusive, they are also more sustainable: all parties are enthusiastic to uphold our agreement because they had a voice in the design of it.
You want help with requests? Contact me for a free, discovery session, 512-589-0482.
by Elly van Laar | Nov 6, 2015 | Compassionate Communication, Empathy, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth
What are requests?
Requests are not about getting what we want, requests are an invitation to support our needs. After we share our observation, feelings, and needs, we tell the other person what we think might meet our needs. It could simply be “Could you reflect back what you heard me say?” when our main need is understanding. Or: “I wonder how this lands for you?”, when we want to connect. Or: “Are you willing to do the dishes before 8:00 pm tonight?”, if you want to include needs for support and rest.
Requests are the cherry on the NVC-cake. Hearing feelings and needs without hearing requests “is like living in hell.” Hearing feelings, needs and a request empowers us to respond effectively in a way that honors other’s needs and our own needs too.
Relationship, relationship, relationship
Requests are about building a relationship that is built in understanding, trust, and a willingness (maybe even enthusiasm) to support all needs on the table: mine and ours. We want to create a world of and-and, and get off the either/or wagon. We share our observation, feelings, and needs to help the other person understand where we are coming from and find merit in our perspective. Our request is an invitation to the other person to brainstorm strategies that support all needs: theirs and ours. And because we have an excitement to include their needs, we are willing to hear a ‘no’ to our request. A ‘no’ is just a wonderful opportunity to get to know the other person better and understand the needs behind their ‘no’.
A simple question
This can help: “If that doesn’t work for you, what can you imagine would work better for you, that would include my needs too?” For example: “I am noticing we are six days away before my brother arrives (observation). I feel overwhelmed and scared (feelings) when I think of all the cleaning I think needs to be done before he arrives (thought, impacting feeling). I have a need for support (need). Are you willing to vacuum clean the rooms before Tuesday 2:00 pm? And if that doesn’t work for you, what can you imagine would work better for you, that would include my needs too?” We engage the other person in finding strategies that support all needs, because we acknowledge both of us are in this relationship.
“The NVC process is designed for those of us who would like others to change and respond, but only if they choose so willingly and compassionately. The objective of NVC is to establish a relationship based on honesty and empathy. When others trust that our primary commitment is to the quality of the relationship, and that we expect this process to fulfill everyone’s needs, then they can trust that our requests are true requests and not camouflaged demands.” (Rosenberg, M, Nonviolent Communication, A Language Of Life, 2003, p. 81)
You want help with requests? Contact me for a free, discovery session, 512-589-0482.
by Elly van Laar | Nov 1, 2015 | Empathy, Nonviolent Communication
Remember The Corleones? Sonny, the hothead, who gets killed in the Five Families War? Fredo, the traitor, who sells out his family to Hyman Roth and is killed for it by Michael’s gunman? Michael, the cold-headed strategist who is willing to order the killing of his older brother to protect his family? And then of course Vito, the first Don, the founder of this mafia empire.
Well, just so you know, they are living in my head.
All the time. And if not all the time, a lot of the time. They are ready to take down anyone they judge as a threat to the safety and well-being of the family. They will jump at you, drag you out of your house, roll you in a carpet and bury you under the concrete floor.
If I don’t listen to them and their judgments, if I don’t promise to include the values they stand for, well, heck, all hell breaks loose. At best they dominate all my thoughts and impact all my feelings, leaving me unable to share my truth in a way that supports understanding and collaboration. At worst, they hijack my vocal ability and speak in such unpleasant terms that any chance of understanding and connection evaporates. Most often, I am so scared they will strangle the person I have an issue with, that I withdraw and avoid any dialog.
For the longest time I have tried to pretend I wasn’t part of the Corleone family, that somehow I had nothing to do with their judgments and black-and-white thinking. It worked for a while, sitting on my meditation cushion, bringing my awareness to my breath. Till they found out I had excluded them and broke down the door of my meditation sanctuary.
They don’t take ‘no’ for an answer, and only make offers I can’t refuse.
I have learned my lesson. I have accepted them as family, with their sensitivities for respect and safety. I call them out in a joint meeting, before I even think of addressing an issue with someone else. I sit us in a circle and invite each of them to speak. I listen with respect until they know I get them. And I don’t talk to the person I have an issue with, till they express their trust. Sometimes it is hard and it takes several rounds of empathizing with their perspectives and needs.
It is well worth it. I have clarity and peace of mind when I talk to this other person. I know how to include The Family’s and this other person’s needs.
And isn’t that what life is about: finding ways to support all needs?
I see my family nod in agreement.
You want to listen to the judgments in your head? Contact me 512-589-0482 for a free discovery session to see how I can help.
by Elly van Laar | Oct 23, 2015 | Compassionate Communication, Empathy, Nonviolent Communication, Self-compassion
I struggle listening to her.
Doesn’t she see you don’t get more harmony and collaboration by putting your child in time out? Or that slapping him in a “pedagogically way” doesn’t bring more understanding? Let alone peace?
She should do the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet by Byron Katie. So she can learn how to accept him as he is, instead of wanting to change him. If she connects to her own triggers that come up in this relationship, she can take responsibility for her own feelings and needs, instead of blaming her child for them.
I get more and more anxious and frustrated and find it more and more difficult to listen to her. If only she would see the world from my perspective…
Wait a minute…
I want her to accept people around her as they are and accept responsibility for her own triggers? I want her to stop blaming others and wanting to change them?…
Didn’t I just try to change her myself?
What if I do the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet? What if I accept her as she is? What if I work on my own triggers as they come up, instead of wanting her to be different?
I pause. I take a deep breath. I express myself. “I got triggered as I listened to you. I need three minutes to listen to myself, so I understand what’s going on for me. I want you to have the empathy you need, and I am not sure if I am a source of support for you in this moment.”
She stops and gives me space.
I realize I might not be up to listening to her strategies. And I might be up to respectfully understand the feelings and needs behind those strategies.
After a few minutes I ask her: “Tell me about your frustration.” She starts crying. She tells me about all those times she felt overwhelmed, lost, and scared. All the times her sense of support, understanding, acceptance, love, contribution were unmet. As early as a young child.
I listen. I get her. I totally get her. I get her pain and suffering and my heart softens.
Empathy isn’t difficult at all. As long as I focus on our shared human experience of feelings and needs. I might struggle at the level of strategies. If I do, I can always focus back on those precious feelings and beautiful needs. I bet you can too and find the connection, closeness, and understanding you want, when you focus on feelings and needs.
You want to learn to empathize with yourself if you are triggered when you empathize? Contact me 512-589-0482 for a free discovery session to see how I can help.
