by Elly van Laar | Jan 6, 2015 | Acceptance, Compassion, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth
My new year’s commitment for 2015 is simple: when I’m getting angry, I am gonna put my hand on the spot in my body, where the anger sits, and just breathe into it. Nothing more. Just connecting to my anger and bringing awareness to it, if even for just a split second.
Last year I made a much bigger commitment, and failed at it at least 150 times, if not more: “When anger is manifesting in me, I am determined not to speak. I will practice mindful breathing and walking in order to recognize and to look deeply into my anger.”
At the end of 2014, looking back at all those failures, I realized I was practicing at PhD level. My mindfulness practice is not strong enough to prevent myself from slashing out when I am angry. I nurtured the habit energy of anger for such a long time, that I probably can’t stop myself when anger overwhelms me. The habit energy of my anger is like a tank, firmly grounded in the solid course of its pain and hurt. It might take a while to steer it in another direction.
So I decided to set myself up for success and commit to a practice I most likely can keep, and trust that just a little nudge of the rutter will change the course of my tank in a more wholesome direction.
Image courtesy to fitbie.com
I accept I am a toddler, wobbling on the path of mindfulness and compassion. Sure, I mastered standing up. And sure, my goodness, am I excited to walk and get somewhere. And yet, I fall all the time. I am not ready to run with the elite. Let me first learn how to walk with a stroller. And then, maybe, without. And then maybe, go a little longer, Till I can run as fast and far as I want.
But now, start where I am. Right here. Right now.
Put my hand on my body where the painful feeling arises. Breathe into it. Embrace it with compassion and acceptance. Speak to it: “Hi precious anger, I now you’re there. I’m just as angry as you are. I’m just as scared and confused. I don’t know how to help you yet, but I’ll stay with you. I won’t leave you alone, I’ll hang in here and hold your hand.”
That’s my commitment for 2015. What’s yours?
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Want help making a commitment that leads to big successes? Contact me 512-589-0482. I would be honored to help.
by Elly van Laar | Nov 8, 2014 | Compassion, Personal Growth
Three cabinets of books. Two closets of clothes. Earth ware scattered through the kitchen. Bins full with unfinished projects. And lots and lots of stuff from your childhood, your parents.
You want to clean up and you feel overwhelmed.
All this stuff you stored away in the nooks of your home, your garage, your shed. Things that carry emotional value. Things you might use later. Things that are worth dollars, maybe many.
How do you clean up without regrets, loss, pain? Without connecting to the dreams you never pursued, the friends you lost with time, the death of loved ones?
Cleaning up is reviewing your life. It is about cutting to the essence of what your life is about. The books you want to read, the clothes you want to wear, the projects you want to engage in. It is about creating clarity who you are and who you want to be. It is about what your life is meant to be.
It is also about planning your cleaning process, and accepting that it is both a journey and a result. That it might take long, and that that is fine. That every shelf you organize is one step closer to your goal. That you might not reach the top in one day, and that you can just as well enjoy the process while you are at it.
I have just finished cleaning up my home, and I want to share what worked for me:
- Work solidly for 25 minutes. Then take a five minute break. Remove yourself physically from your cleaning area. Go pee. Drink your tea mindfully. Do some T’ai Chi. Anything to refresh yourself. After four slots of 25 minutes working, take a half hour break to empty your mind and replenish your energy. Go for a walk, have lunch, do some yoga. Something to nurture yourself and reconnect to the joy of life.
- Connect to your breath with every object you pick up. One deep breath in, one deep breath out. What are you feeling? Joyful, excited, energized holding this object in your hand? Are you feeling tired, drained, depleted? When positive feelings come up, keep it. When negative feelings come up, either give it away (or sell it, if that is your thing) or put it in the “Not Sure Yet” bin, and review it next year.
- Get help from a friend, a sibling. Make it a fun, social event. You can also engage me to help you clean up and organize the process. I have helped myself and others, and I love it! You can read some of the testimonials here. You will be surprised how efficient and fun the process is when you hire me! Contact me 512-589-0482.
by Elly van Laar | Nov 1, 2014 | Compassion, Mindfulness, Personal Growth
Have you ever planted a seed? Carefully crafted a hole in the ground, planted it, and watered it every day? Have you ever felt that excitement, the anticipation of the moment the first leaves unfold on a warm, sunny day?
And then, after days and days, nothing happens? Sure, all the weed pierces through, happy with all the care and protection you offered. But none of the leaves of your beloved walnut pit.
You continue with watering, watching, weeding. But after weeks, you give up. Your planting program failed, the walnut is infertile, you move on to a new plan.
Too soon. While you were watching, weeding, watering, the walnut pit sprouted in the deep, dark safety of the earth. Your carefully crafted gardening plan slowly softened the hard shell. The roots started to dig deeper, the leaves started to reach for the light. And just before it popped up, you stopped with your care and protection, and the precious plant-to-be died, before it could manifest and grow into the magnificent walnut tree it was meant to be.
A friend complained that this mindfulness thing, this sitting meditation didn’t help at all. She suffered just as much from restlessness, depression, anxiety, and frustration. Hell, yeah, she even yelled more than before. She was done sitting on a cushion and observing her breath. It didn’t help at all.
Thich Nhat Hanh invites us to keep practicing mindfulness, joy, and compassion, even if we don’t see results right away. Some seeds in our store consciousness take a long time to sprout and grow into their potential. Some seeds are protected by such a hard shelf, that it takes patience and commitment, before the rain and the warmth of the earth finally help it sprout and grow up. Some seeds have been watered for so long, that their roots are strong, and they are firmly grounded in your habit energy.
The path of mindfulness, joy, and compassion is not about results, expecting peace, and opposing anger, depression, jealousy, and anxiety. The path is about loving to be a gardener and taking care of all the plants that manifest in our mind consciousness. Gently, patiently, and with delight. Looking at all the plants with a sense of wonder. “Oh, this is what anger looks like… I understand… Gosh, now I get what my neighbor is feeling…” “Ah, this is what craving feels like… My goodness, that’s what my friend must experience when she can’t stop drinking…”
In these moments of openness, acceptance, and curiosity, we can enjoy tending to our gardening with non-attachment and non-aversion, and trust that the innate qualities of love, life, and light will manifest in their own time.
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You want help to enjoy being mindful and open to life? Read testimonials of people who hired me as their coach. I would love to help you too! Contact me 512-589-0482 to schedule a free, discovery session.
by Elly van Laar | Oct 18, 2014 | Compassion, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
I’m sorting through my stuff. We might have to move. To a much smaller place. I couldn’t take much with me.
I’m holding all the books, all the shirts, all the letters, all my small boxes in my hands, and I am choosing which ones I can take, which ones I have to let go. I’m crying. I’m feeling a sadness and a sense of loss as I see the little book on love, hope, and faith my mother gave me years ago to encourage me through my divorce. The poetry a colleague gave me as a farewell gift when I left my job. The tap dancing shoes I bought for my new-found and never-pursued hobby. The plastic eggs I wanted to reuse with Easter. The left-over wool to knit Christmas decoration with.
All these projects I never finished. These books I never read. These clothes I never wore. These gifts of love I had forgot about.
I sort through them. Keep. Go. Keep. Go. Go. Go. Keep.
I bring two bags of clothes to Buffalo Exchange. They offer $12.50 store credit for one pair of shorts. They’ll donate the rest to local charity. I bring 12 books to Half Prize Books. They offer $11. A friend will pick up kitchen utensils and a food processor tomorrow.
I’m sorting through my stuff and I’m getting a sense of freedom. Spaciousness. Clarity.
These are the values I use as my selection criteria. This is what I want my loved ones to find if I die today. This is what I want to leave behind.
The rest is ballast, burden, attachment.
I’m sorting through my stuff and are getting to the bone of who I am and want to be. Light in body, spirit, and mind.
I’m sorting through my stuff and get to the essence of my life. This is what I want to do, read, wear. This is how I want to be. I am feeling a sense of deep peace arise in me. Life is not difficult. Life is not about having, keeping, planning. Life is about being open, loving, joyful. Life is about enjoying each and every moment, and give the best of yourself.
My favorite artist Ramses Shaffy has this fantastic song:
“De wereld heeft my failliet verklaard, ik heb me nog nooit zo goed en licht gevoeld als nu. Ik heb me nog nooit zo schoon en bevrijd gevoeld als nu.”
Listen to it. Even if you don’t understand the words, you’ll get the jubilant energy of dropping all your luggage and walking light and free. Bankruptcy is a gift of God, not of society. Gosh, I love cleaning up and letting go!
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You want help to sort through your stuff, mourn and letting go? Read testimonials of people who hired me as their personal organizer. I would love to help you too! Contact me 512-589-0482 to schedule a free, discovery session.
by Elly van Laar | Sep 24, 2014 | Compassion, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth
Have you ever heard of smile therapy?
I hadn’t.
So I invented it.
Throughout the day I bring my attention to my facial expression and invite myself to smile. You wouldn’t notice the difference probably, my smile is fainter than that of the Mona Lisa, but I do.
Just inviting a smile changes my experience. I soften and open up.
The Second Mindfulness Training “True Happiness” says: “I am aware that happiness depends on my mental attitude and not on external conditions, and that I can live happily in the present moment simply by remembering that I already have more than enough conditions to be happy.”
So here I am, disappointed that I didn’t make the money I wanted, sad that my friend didn’t call back, scared that my parents will die this year, angry that the driver in front of me cut me off, and I notice the corners of my mouth turn downward in dissatisfaction with what life offers me.
And I start smiling.
I look around in my experience and notice this cognitive dissonance between my inner experience and my outer expression. Something isn’t right. I can’t have unpleasant feelings and smile at the same time. One of the two has to change to establish a sense of alignment and integrity. And since I am devoted to my smile therapy, it’s gonna be my experience.
Instead of holding on to my anger, disappointment, jealousy, grudge, or self-righteous indignation, I start searching for things I can smile about. What can I appreciate in this moment that aligns with my smile? Maybe it is the sun on my arms, or the mockingbird singing? Or the relief that we still live in our beloved house? Or the fact that my headache is gone? Or the joy of my Compassionate Communication Group last Monday?
And you know what?
It is super easy to find something to be grateful for.
Thich Nhat Hanh is right: I have more than enough conditions to be happy.
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You want help to find things you can be appreciative of? Contact me 512-589-0482 to schedule a complimentary discovery session.
by Elly van Laar | Sep 20, 2014 | Compassion, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth
Thich Nhat Hanh tells us that giving makes us happy. Since I lately struggle with feelings of fear, depression, and discouragement, I am willing to give it a try. In each and every moment I’ll focus on generosity and “share my time, energy, and material resources with those who are in need”, including myself.
Sitting as silent witness as Lisa Coleman is executed is my act of giving. I know my vigilance won’t save her life, repair the pain and suffering of the boy she beat and starved to death, or bring peace to those left behind. I only know that I can be with her in spirit and send her love and peace, while she counts down the last minutes of her life.
As I drive up to Capitol Hill I am noticing how appreciative I am that I am alive. How grateful I am that I can feel the sun on my arm, my hands on the steering wheel, my breath flowing through me. I might muddle through life, and yet everyday offers a new opportunity to live and love.
And as I sit and imagine her fear, despair, anger, and loss as she is strapped to her death bed, I feel my anger towards society dissipate. We are in this together. We are confused and lost as to how create connections that are inclusive, supporting, open, and loving. We don’t know how to reach out to those on the fringes of society, at the top of corporations, and bridge the differences. We make mistakes with sometimes horrendous consequences, and we punish by killing, because we lost sight of our compassion and interbeing.
I look at the cars stopping at the traffic light in front of us. I look at the drivers and the passengers and wonder who they are, where they are going, what they’re doing. I imagine their families, their loved ones. I see them as children, maybe happy, maybe unhappy. And I tap into this universal reservoir of limitless love: “May you be peaceful, happy, and light in body and spirit. May you be safe and free from injury. May you be free from anger, afflictions, fear, and anxiety.” And all I wish for is that they will never kill, be killed, or lose a loved one to killing or execution.
Sitting as silent witness when someone is executed and sending out loving-kindness to everyone in this world is a simple way of giving, and I feel elevated by it.
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You want help to practice generosity and giving? Contact me 512-589-0482 to schedule a complimentary discovery session.
