by Elly van Laar | Apr 16, 2022 | Leadership, Nonprofits
I am wandering around Houston airport looking for signs that I am at the right gate for my connecting flight to Amsterdam. I can’t find any. Nor anyone at the help desk.
I feel confused and start to feel anxious. If I am at the wrong gate, I will miss my flight and be too late at Schiphol to help my parents fly out to the Canary Islands.
What should I do? Run back to the main hall and confirm that I was at the right place, which diminishes my chance that I can run back in time to board? Or stay here and risk that I should have been somewhere else?
As I am thinking through the probabilities of my choices, I see a flock of people dressed in the typical KLM Dutch royal blue move toward me. I run up to them to get details about my flight departure. “Yes, you are at the right gate. We’re gonna board the Amsterdam flight in 10 minutes.”
Phew. And so it is that I can help my parents fly out to La Palma, for what might be their last stay in the village they have visited in the last 13 years. With all the Covid-protocols, walkers, and physical challenges they are facing, I doubt they could have made the trip without me.
This is the power of social proof Robert Cialdini talks about. When we have to make decisions in ambiguous situations, we use the social cues of those around us to choose what to do.
Social proof is very effective when we don’t want to waste hours figuring out our next step, especially not when we can’t afford to make big mistakes or deviate from what is working in similar situations.
But social proof has a catch.
It can be harmful when you compare yourself to a dissimilar group of people. Then you might end up making decisions that don’t support your needs and values.
That’s why the leadership circles I facilitate are for nonprofit leaders only, especially everyone in middle and upper management, including the C-suite.
There are enough circles where nonprofit leaders are mixed with for-profit leaders. Other circles are specifically geared toward the CEOs of nonprofits.
But there are very few, if any, for middle and upper management. Even though they face their own challenges and would love to be able to talk with peers who have been in similar situations.
Current participants value realizing that they are not alone with their struggles. Listening to their peers, they get ideas about how to inspire their team to communicate openly and collaborate productively with them, or ask for help and listen to feedback.
If you want some reassurance that you are flying out in the right direction, your blue fleet is right around the corner.
We start a second leadership circle in May. Six meetings in 12 weeks, with socials and empathy pairs in between. You want to board that group? You can book your ticket by talking with me first.
Schedule your free discovery session.
by Elly van Laar | Apr 9, 2022 | Leadership, Nonprofits, Nonviolent Communication
I’m getting ready for my first in-person meeting with my fellow mediators since the start of the Covid-lockdown in 2020.
Meeting in person requires a different prep than meeting on Zoom or with a mask. No garlicky hummus for breakfast. Flossing my teeth to remove celery leftovers. Ironing my skirt.
And putting on deodorant to prevent yucky body odors. I haven’t used the deodorant in a while as I’ve been home most of the time. So I feel surprised that it smells like my hairspray.
I don’t think much of it, till I’m on my bike. All of a sudden I realize that it is hairspray. On my last trip I had filled the travel bottle, that I normally fill with deodorant, with hairspray.
In my eagerness to be on time, I didn’t pay attention. I was too excited to finally see my friends in their fullness and not just as two-dimensional faces in a square box.
Fortunately, the bike ride is only five minutes and it’s barely 80 degrees. Not enough to trigger a sweat, so the deodorant wouldn’t have made much of an impact.
What does make an impact are the smiles, hugs, “Hey, can you pass the pizza”, and talking and laughing with the people left and right of me.
Meeting in person is so much richer than virtually. It’s easier to use our sight and hearing to understand someone’s experience. We can convey closeness by handshakes and hugs. We see our shared humanity when we pass the bowl of chocolate around.
That’s why the second leadership circle for nonprofit leaders will be in person too. We start in the first week of May.
Current participants appreciate the warmth and closeness that comes from being in physical proximity and value the community-building component.
They find relief in hearing that they are not alone and that their peers are experiencing the same challenges as they do. Seeing the common threads in those challenges inspires fresh perspectives. They value a sense of peace, knowing that others are struggling with similar issues.
Now, this is not for everyone. For one, this circle is only for nonprofit leaders in middle or upper management. For two, it takes the right personality to get something out of this type of group.
That’s why you can schedule a free discovery session to see if you have that kind of personality.
Schedule your free discovery session.
P.S. I might bring vegan pizza to the first meeting. And I promise that I will use the right deodorant.
by Elly van Laar | Apr 2, 2022 | Leadership, Nonprofits
Birdfeeders are great for attracting birds. With the right type of bird seeds, you get Northern cardinals, house finches, sparrows, American robins, Carolina chickadees, Carolina wrens, cedar waxwings, eastern phoebes, orange-crowned warblers, red-bellied woodpeckers, and yellow-rumped warblers.
Don’t think I’m some kind of bird wizard. I just use the Audubon app to identify my visitors by putting in their color, size, feeding behavior, and range of habitat.
I love the hussle and bussle around the birdfeeder. The live stream of bird interactions, altercations, hierarchy, courtship, and mentoring of adolescents is quite addictive.
When nothing is going on, I read the Audubon magazine to satisfy my bird craving.
As a result, I now know that the black-capped petrel’s habitat is the open ocean in the West Indies. It nests around steep forested cliffs. It used to nest in burrows on the level ground till exotic predators were introduced on their islands.
And I read about the dangers of birdfeeders. If you don’t clean them regularly enough, they collect molds that are toxic for birds. Shocked, I rush outside to take it down and clean it.
I never realized that the right kind of seeds is not enough to keep birds happy. If I hadn’t stumbled upon this article, I would never have known how unconscious I was of my own incompetence.
And I would never have become consciously competent if I hadn’t read their suggestions about birdfeeder cleaning.
Are you, too, unconscious of your incompetence? If it is about birdfeeders, you can click on the link to the Audubon website at the bottom of this email.
But if you suspect you have areas in your leadership role where you are unconscious of your incompetence, you need something else.
You can read a book about leadership, like The Fifth Discipline by Peter Senge. You can explore your enemy images with Byron Katie’s Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. And you can seek feedback from your peers.
In my leadership circle for nonprofit leaders, you come together with five to seven other leaders. You share your struggles and wins. And you can ask them for feedback on your actions.
You might cringe thinking about receiving feedback because so often it is critical and judgmental, pointing out all your mistakes and faults.
No worries, in the leadership circles we agree that we respond more like the Audubon magazine: observational, informative, and empowering.
Participants in my current circle find reassurance that they are not the only ones struggling. They feel inspired hearing how their buddies deal with those challenges. And they value the feedback that helps them be the kind of leader that attracts the right team members and keeps them safe.
Schedule your free discovery session to explore how the circle might help you become more consciously competent.
And this is the Audubon website. Be careful, you might get hooked!
by Elly van Laar | Mar 26, 2022 | Nonprofits, Nonviolent Communication
There’s a Ziploc bag on our lawn. With a stone in it. And a leaflet. “You don’t have to feel guilty because you’re white”.
I see one on my neighbor’s lawn too. And on Gloria’s. And Gregg’s. And Matt and Mei’s, and their four and six-year-old daughters. I pick them up one by one, I don’t want the girls to accidentally see them.
Some have the most egregiously racist cartoons I have ever seen. Worse than the ones I’ve seen from the early 1900s. Some have a swastika. A white mother, her blond hair braided in typical nazi style, holding a white baby. Underneath it: “Stop white genocide”. Sender: the Aryan Freedom Network.
My amygdala is running in overdrive, triggering my flight reaction. My prefrontal cortex and hippocampus are taking a back seat.
I text some trusted neighbors for advice. Within minutes, it is reported to the police and the Anti-Defamation League. Two hours later we have an impromptu neighborhood gathering with our council member Kathie Tovo.
When I arrive, I see some 40 people in the circle. Kathie shares that we are not the first neighborhood to be hit with these hate bombs. My neighbors respond resolutely that we will do what it takes to keep our neighborhood free from hate, racism, and white supremacy.
When I summarize what everyone has said, it is clear which actions we agree on.
We put up signs “Neighbors United Against Hate” and “All Are Welcome, Except White Supremacists”. A group app is created to keep each other informed. We reach out to those most at risk. A meet-and-greet is adopted as common practice.
When I leave, I feel so grateful that we came together to listen to each other, generate new ideas, and came up with a plan.
You too might benefit from the wisdom of others: your neighbors in the nonprofit world.
Your rock will be different than mine.
It can be a CEO who is constantly pushing through new policies and pushing out your colleagues as a result. Or the nagging thought that you don’t bring enough of yourself to your team. Or the hours you spend to resolve conflict within your team.
But like the Ziploc bags, there are overall similarities between them.
Wouldn’t it be nice to talk to people who have had a similar experience? Someone who can listen and maybe share how they responded?
Coming together won’t change your situation, but it can be so empowering and relieving to know you’re not alone.
The Leadership Circles for nonprofit leaders offer that. In April I start a new one. Contact me if you have an interest.
Schedule your interview here.
by Elly van Laar | Mar 12, 2022 | Nonviolent Communication
Habits are hard to break. And when they have been cultivated over the years, your body will execute those habits without your mind ever having to think about it.
Driving our car is an example. Brushing our teeth. Chopping the veggies. And throwing toilet paper in the toilet bowl after wiping our butt.
Usually, that’s not a problem. But here on La Palma, it is. The sewer system can’t handle more than a few sheets a day. In each and every bathroom, there is a friendly reminder to throw your paper in the wastebasket.
Of course, I’m all for keeping the sewer system unclogged, so I am adamant about complying with the request.
Unfortunately, I fail more than 70% of the time. No matter how mindful I’m breathing while on the potty, how much I use the tools for building new habits, and bang myself on the head when I fail: my hand automatically drops the paper in the loo.
Since I’m not willing to drag them out, I regretfully have to flush them away, keeping my fingers crossed that the sewer system doesn’t spill over on my bathroom floor.
As yucky as all of this might sound, it can be a good image to keep in mind, the next time you react to anger and criticism.
If building new toilet habits is hard, building new conflict resolution skills is even harder because our needs for respect, self-worth, and emotional safety are on the line.
We need to pay attention to the friendly reminders for mindfulness, or we end up seeing those needs float in a yucky interaction.
Worse, the communication channel gets clogged with enemy images and future interactions will be contaminated with the residues of this one.
There is a better response: empathy. When we listen to the precious needs behind the tragic expression of unmet needs, we can drop our judgments and evaluations and decrease the risk that we have to get down on our hands and knees to clean up the distasteful remains of our relationship.
How important would that be to you? Which relationships could benefit from your ability to stop your habitual reflex to conflict and instead choose a mindful response? How would your life be different?
If you imagine life would be yummier, you might enjoy signing up for my free webinar “Mindful Conflict Resolution”.
Not only will you hear how to empathize skillfully but you will also get two other tools to help to transform conflict into collaboration. Make sure you reserve your spot: I only have a few left.
This is what Charlie Rice says about the webinar:
“I appreciated that you kept the discussions pretty brief and spent most of the time going over your material. These strategies will really help me going forward and it is so nice to have a framework to practice.” – Charlie Rice, Austin
Sign up here.
by Elly van Laar | Sep 27, 2021 | Nonviolent Communication
“Did you see the email I sent you? I was wondering if you were back from the Netherlands?” My best friend invited me for lunch. We are enjoying a chia bowl.
I had seen it. Two days ago. But I felt too discombobulated to reply after my traveling. And I didn’t want to answer without offering a time-slot to get together.
Don’t ask me why. I could have just written: “Great hearing from you! Yes, I am back and I would love to get together.” But I didn’t.
Her question comes as a surprise. I feel ashamed that I had been unresponsive. In a split second, I hear myself say: “No, I haven’t.”
As soon as I do, I regret it. And I feel stuck. I want to be honest and I’m afraid that admitting my lie would spoil our delightful lunch.
Coming home, I realize that I want to tell her the truth to support my self-respect and integrity. I also dread doing it. It’s like eating a rotten sandwich and knowing you will feel horrible. The difference is that I trust that she will empathize.
Fortunately, I have enough practice with Nonviolent Communication to know that the dread is a messenger of precious, universal, human needs. I ask David, my husband, and Saskia, my sister, to help me find those needs.
Their empathy helps. I see how much I care for her and how much I want to be seen as a caring and responsive friend.
It takes some deep breathing to overcome the fear of being found out as a person with no integrity. When I call her, I tell her that I had read the email when she asked about it. She laughs: she has been in similar situations.
After I hang up, I have grown an inch. I choose my values over my fears. I feel super proud of myself.
I am not sure that I could have done it without my supportive community. They always help. They encourage me to grow into who I want to be and accept me even when I carry shame for my actions.
You might benefit from such a community too. Whether you want to be honest, be an advocate for racial justice, lose weight, apply for a new job, or work on your marriage.
A community helps you clarify your values and aspirations, encourage you to face your fears and act with integrity anyway, brainstorm to find strategies that help you live your purpose, and celebrate your success and oops as learning opportunities.
The October 5, 2021 I’m starting a new coaching group: Pledj. It’s an acronym of Peace, Love, Equanimity, Delight, and Joy. This is for you, if you want to live in integrity and work on your aspirations.
Some details:
- Six bi-weekly group meetings on Zoom
- You will be paired with an empathy buddy for the in-between weeks
- Topics like failing and learning, feelings and needs, emotional liberation, shame and self-worth, autonomy, and purpose.
- Max six participants, one spot left
- $438 in full or monthly payments of $75
Bonus: you will have access to a virtual platform so you can stay in touch with each other.
Email me
by Elly van Laar | Sep 13, 2021 | Nonviolent Communication
“Did you see the email I sent you? I was wondering if you were back from the Netherlands?” My best friend invited me for lunch. We are enjoying a chia bowl.
I had seen it. Two days ago. But I felt too discombobulated to reply after my traveling. And I didn’t want to answer without offering a time slot to get together.
Don’t ask me why. I could have just written: “Great hearing from you! Yes, I am back and I would love to get together.” But I didn’t.
Her question comes as a surprise. I feel ashamed that I had been unresponsive. In a split second, I hear myself say: “No, I haven’t.”
As soon as I do, I regret it. And I feel stuck. I want to be honest and I’m afraid that admitting my lie would spoil our delightful lunch.
Coming home, I realize that I want to tell her the truth to support my self-respect and integrity. I also dread doing it. It’s like eating a rotten sandwich and knowing you will feel horrible. The difference is that I trust that she will empathize.
Fortunately, I have enough practice with Nonviolent Communication to know that the dread is a messenger of precious, universal, human needs. I ask David, my husband, and Saskia, my sister, to help me find those needs.
Their empathy helps. I see how much I care for her and how much I want to be seen as a caring and responsive friend.
It takes some deep breathing to overcome the fear of being found out as a person with no integrity. When I call her, I tell her that I had read the email when she asked about it. She laughs: she has been in similar situations.
After I hang up, I have grown an inch. I choose my values over my fears. I feel super proud of myself.
I am not sure that I could have done it without my supportive community. They always help. They encourage me to grow into who I want to be and accept me even when I carry shame for my actions.
You might benefit from such a community too. Whether you want to be honest, be an advocate for racial justice, lose weight, apply for a new job, or work on your marriage.
A community helps you clarify your values and aspirations, encourages you to face your fears and act with integrity anyway, brainstorm to find strategies that help you live your purpose, and celebrate your success and oops as learning opportunities.
The second week of September I’m starting a new coaching group: Pledj. It’s an acronym for Peace, Love, Equanimity, Delight, and Joy. This is for you if you want to live in integrity and work on your aspirations.
Some details:
- Six bi-weekly group meetings on Zoom
- You will be paired with an empathy buddy for the in-between weeks
- Topics like failing and learning, feelings and needs, emotional liberation, shame and self-worth, autonomy, and purpose.
- Max six participants, one spot left
- $438 in full or monthly payments of $75
Bonus: you will have access to a virtual platform so you can stay in touch with each other.
Leave a comment if you have an interest in joining.
by Elly van Laar | Jun 21, 2021 | Conflict, Nonviolent Communication
On the day my neighbors move out, I hang out with the kids while they pack their car. At the end of their final check through the house, they turn off the air conditioner.
A few days later, a handyman paints the kitchen cabinets and turns it back on. This makes sense, it is 86 degrees outside.
The next day I still hear the air conditioner running. Since I know there is no one in the house, I get triggered by thoughts around the waste of energy. But, maybe I am mistaken and there are folks back working in the house today.
Three days later, I still haven’t seen any cars on the driveway or heard any sounds in the house. I get upset enough to go over and see why the AC is running 18 hours a day while no one benefits from it.
I ring the doorbell. No one answers. I walk around the house. No one there either.
I do see a leaking hose and washed-off paint on the lawn. And a completely open kitchen window. A freezing air greets me as I walk toward it.
Thoughts about global warming and polar bears losing their habitat race through my mind.
I owe it to them to do something about it. I climb through the window and turn off the air conditioner. It was set at 68 Fahrenheit. No wonder it’s running day and night.
I only think of the Texas Castle Doctrine when I climb back outside. It’s a law that allows Texan homeowners to use deadly force to protect themselves against an armed intruder. I think of myself as an innocent, albeit somewhat weird, lady, but how would they know I wasn’t carrying a weapon?
It’s something I never, ever was afraid of in the Netherlands. Not that climbing through windows was my habit, but walking around the house or peeking inside when looking for your neighbor is quite normal over there.
And I certainly was never afraid of someone pointing a shotgun at me.
That’s because the Netherlands is primarily a dignity culture while Texas is mainly an honor culture.
This is what Ryan Brown, a Social Psychologist and Managing Director for Measurement at Rice University writes on his website about honor cultures:
“Social scientists say that a society exhibits an honor culture when the defense of reputation plays an incredibly important role in social life (in more technical terms, reputation maintenance is a “central organizing theme” in that society). For men in a typical honor culture, the kind of reputation that is highly prized is a reputation for toughness and bravery. Men in honor cultures want to be known as someone that others ought not to take lightly.
Because of the importance placed on reputation maintenance, honor cultures allow or even expect people to defend themselves aggressively when threatened, even if the threat is not a physical one. So, when men in an honor culture are insulted or their honorable qualities are called into question, they often go to extremes to prove their mettle.”
Honor culture impacts how vulnerable populations are treated. People who can’t protect life and stock might be loved, but they are not respected as members of society. Often suicide rates among older men are high, mental health issues are not addressed, and sharing your feelings and needs is seen as a weakness.
In such a culture, it can be hard to get support for your organization’s mission around dignity for those at the bottom of societies’ hierarchy, racial justice, and ecological concern.
Schedule a coaching package with me, if you want to explore how to navigate the influence of culture on your impact.
You get 10% off if you enter “honor2021” in the coupon field. So that is $810, instead of $900.
The coupon expires on Juneteenth 19, 2021.
Read more about Texas “Stand your Ground-Castle Doctrine”.
by Elly van Laar | May 18, 2021 | Conflict, Nonviolent Communication
Eddie, my 2-year old neighbor kid, is fascinated by anything garbage. Garbage trucks, garbage men, garbage bins.
Every Friday he puts on his “I love garbage” t-shirt, his “garbage fan” baseball cap, and follows the garbage truck with his dad.
Sadly my neighbors are moving out today. I am hanging out with Eddie, while they pack.
Since it is garbage pick-up day, we walk around the block, looking for the garbage trucks. They haven’t come yet.
Eddie doesn’t care, garbage bins are just as exciting. He stops at every bin, points at them, and says “Actually, this one”. Maybe a bit more like “Ashually, cis one.”
“You want to see what’s inside it?”
He looks at me stunned, clearly not expecting his dream to come true.
“Yeah.”
“Step back a little, so your face doesn’t touch the bin. I think it’s dirty.”
He happily obliges, knowing that he won’t get to see the treasures inside unless he does. With his hands behind his back, he looks at it for more than 10 seconds. Mesmerized with the white trash bag that’s in it.
“Actually, this one.”
He runs off and points at a compost bin. Same instructions, same mesmerized look. He carefully examines the leaves, grass, orange peels, and rotting kale. It is clearly the most interesting thing he has ever seen.
“Actually, this one.”
He runs over to each bin on the street and looks at its contents with the same delight as if he is looking at the cutest puppy on planet earth.
Even when bin number 19 is topped with fermenting pizza and wriggling maggots, he doesn’t back away with the slightest glimmer of disgust on his face. He looks at it like a professor studying his favorite topic, hands on his back, enthralled with magical bins.
Gosh, if I could have the same earnest wonderment when hearing criticisms, blame, demands, anger.
Just like trash, these are experiences that people dump on the street, maybe in your ears. My instinctual reaction is to back away with disgust. Or annoyance or frustration. Maybe even some righteous indignation that I deserve better than this “verbal abuse”.
But Eddie inspires me to have more openhearted curiosity and listen a little better. Perhaps not take these tragic expressions of unmet needs personally. To understand that they contain a precious request, “Hey, I want to process these painful feelings and unhelpful thoughts. Can you help me to figure out a better way to meet my needs?
In my free webinar “Tragic Expressions of Unmet Needs”, I offer insights and practices to help you be an empathetic listener to anger, blame, demands, and criticisms.
Hopefully, you walk away with:
- Understanding what a check-engine light has to do with needs
- A simple trick to translate blame and accusation into requests, without manipulation
- A neat cheat sheet to put up on your fridge for when you get stuck, so you avoid using words that will make things worse
- The one thing you need to do whenever you hear criticisms, blame, demands, and anger and have more closeness
- The fun of failure applause so you feel excited to keep practicing empathy for hard-to-hear messages, even when you fail
Friday, May 21, 2021, from 9:00-10:00 am CST.
Sign-up here.
by Elly van Laar | May 13, 2021 | Communication, Conflict, Nonviolent Communication
Fun fact one, at least for me, since I love gardening: St. Augustine grass grows well in the shade.
Fun fact two: St. Augustine spreads by stolons, also known as runners: “mother” clones that form “daughter” sprouts which spread and weave soft, thick mats of greenness.
Fun fact three: these stolons put out thin, almost invisible roots that grow at least 10 inches into the ground.
St. Augustine grass is here to stay. That would be great if I want to see my water consumption triple in July and August. And not so great since I want to be eco-conscious and want to make my yard drought-tolerant.
Since I am crazy about attracting butterflies, birds, and bees, I decide to replace part of our lawn with a bed for native plants that attract them. After the heavy rainfall this weekend, the soil is soft enough to dig up the grass in a spot more or less 6 by 12 feet.
I start super enthusiastically. Halfway through and covered in mud, I am totally discouraged, At 6:30 pm and 3 hours into the project, I only removed half of the grass.
Since my goal is to end up with flowers and wildlife and not perfection, I change strategies to “good enough”. I remove enough grass to help the native plants establish themselves but not more. I will defer to pulling out grass if it comes back.
This change in strategy reminds me of facilitated dialogues.
In this work, the goal is to create enough compassion and understanding to help you find solutions for your issues.
You don’t have to dig up every trauma when you want to tell your teammate that you have gotten triggered when he talks more than 80% of the time in a meeting with 13 other team members. Instead, you can focus on how to meet his need for respect for his expertise and the need for respect for other team members.
When you want to tell your colleague that you rather work on a grant application than chat about what she did over the weekend, you don’t have to go into the details of how your pregnancy is impacting your attention. You can just agree to start your meetings with 2 minutes of appreciation to build trust and understanding.
You don’t have to share how your ex-partner’s angry outbursts got you to file for a divorce. It is already a win if you can talk constructively about how much time your daughter can be on social media when she is with him.
This is what a few happy clients wrote me:
“For me, the biggest thing is that we’re both trying so hard, and I think that is making the biggest difference. We’re both really committed to making it work. I have way more trust in A. than I did before. I’m hopeful, and I feel good about where this is going.”, S.B., Team leader, Foundation Communities
“I agree 100 percent. Last month was extremely hard to where I was taking it home, and I was replaying conversations, and it was stressful and almost to the point of me not wanting to work here anymore. So I feel like now we both can come in and do our jobs successfully since we both have huge responsibilities. We’re going through so much right now that for us to come in and be the best that we could be, something had to give with the tension that was in the air. I’m really grateful for our time with Elly, and I feel like we both can be more productive in our jobs through this process.”, A.O., Team leader, Foundation Communities
“The facilitated dialogues are very, very helpful and give me the promise of and the felt experience of an alternate way of interacting. One thing I have really appreciated about Elly is her neutral stance. Because I had very, very little sympathy for my ex-husband. In her neutral stance and giving equal time to paraphrasing him and me, she has helped me develop compassion for him. There have been times when I said: “You need to do this with him, You need not do this with him, You need to speak up.” I think I’ve tried to be directive with her because I know him well. I appreciate that she has resisted any temptation. She has not shown me or him a preference for one of us over the other. That’s a very new experience for me, which benefits me.”, C.M., Organization Development Consultant, Austin
Do you want to see if a facilitated dialogue can help you with your issue? Comment on this post.
