Helping Nonprofit Leaders Transform Conflict

Leadership Coach and Mediator


Image courtesy to Wikimedia

What’s the story I’m telling myself?

A few nights ago my husband didn’t show up the way I wanted, and we got into a big conflict. My needs were unmet, you know?! And when I don’t know how to include them, I get pretty frustrated. Well, maybe more than frustrated. Maybe more towards plain angry. Very angry. I start yelling, and fantasizing about getting a divorce. That’s a pattern of mine. My needs are unmet, I don’t know how to ask for support, and I run away.

Okay, so here I am in bed, lot ‘s of upset, struggling to fall asleep.

Then it strikes me. Something Dian Killian talked about: “When you observe what happens, as if you’re a fly on the wall, with no emotional vocabulary, which feelings come up? And what’s the story you’re telling yourself?


What’s the story I’m telling myself?


That I don’t matter. That I’ll never receive support for my needs. That I am not good enough to be happy, that there is something wrong with me.


With a shock I realize that I am creating my own suffering. Through the glasses of this perspective, I only see those actions that confirm that I don’t matter, the actions that reinforce the story that I am not good enough. If I drop the story, I can include all that’s happening around me. Every action that tells me that I do matter. That he ordered cake for my birthday, that he invited friends for celebration, that he scheduled his work hours to spend time with me.

All of a sudden I realize that if I drop the story, I can expand my observations to include all of reality. The good, the bad, and the ugly.


You want help to learn to explore your story and include all of reality? Contact me 512-589-0482 to schedule a complimentary, discovery session to see if and how I can help.


%d bloggers like this: