Helping Nonprofit Leaders Transform Conflict

Leadership Coach and Mediator

This one is big. And red. And almost ripe.

I have nurtured this tomato for weeks now. Carefully watering its roots. Trimming off shriveled leaves. Propping up the stalk with a pole.

Its 3 predecessor tomatoes disappeared mysteriously. They were also big, but green. I didn’t see a trace of them, not even a sliver of skin on the bottom of the plant bed. I wonder what happened to them.

Now I know.

As I am happily brushing my teeth, I walk around in my kitchen and stop in my tracks to spot a miniature pumpkin face grinning at me from the yard. It is carefully placed on top of the fence.

Halloween is months away, the neighbor moved out. So who wants to spook me with little devilish tokens of: “I see you, I know where you live, I am coming after you”?

It takes another breath and a closer look to see it is not a carved pumpkin.

It is the big tomato. Not carefully placed, more randomly munched at. And at least 95% guaranteed left behind by a squirrel. Those same squirrels that take a few nibbles out of my figs, and rummage my pecan tree to leave chunks of pecans on my front path.

The same squirrels that I am clueless about how to collaborate with.

If we would speak the same language, I might make a request:

“Hey, when I see you eat the tomato and leave most of it uneaten, I feel sad and disappointed. I want more respect for the preciousness of our resources, and some celebration for my hard work. What about I cut you half the tomato when it’s ripe and you leave it alone till then? And if that doesn’t work, what would work better for you that would also work for me?”

As it is, we don’t share the same language.

I have no clue how to talk to the squirrel and find a solution that works for both of us.

Interactions with people can sometimes seem like working with a squirrel. Even though you and the other person share the same universal needs, the strategies you choose to meet those beautiful needs are probably different. You might not even want to find a solution that works for both of you. You rather walk away with disappointment and frustration or turn against with force and anger.

And that’s when conflicts start.

Conflict never starts at the level of human, universal, needs. It starts at the level of strategies.

If we understand the needs underneath the strategy, it is much easier to brainstorm strategies that meet all needs involved.

My mini-training “The 5 secrets to resolve conflict that hardly anyone uses” gives you the basic tools to transform conflict into collaboration.

This is what Titia van Rootselaar, Mindfulness and Compassion Trainer, Netherlands emails me after reading them:

“In these secrets, Elly beautifully shows how you can change the atmosphere of a conflict, possibly a painful and stressful situation, 180 degrees through a compassionate attitude. By opening yourself to the needs of the other and yourself, more space and openness is created. Your heart is also more involved. It is a really good tool, and not only suitable for the work environment. I’ve already applied it privately.”

And my sister Hanneke van Laar, a Personal Care Counselor for People with Mental Disabilities, writes:

“Thanks for your secrets. I should have called you much earlier about the tensions I felt at work. Then I might have made another choice. I should have become very quiet in myself first. Perhaps I saw too many unjustified ‘jackals’.”

 And Jen Collins, Associate Professor School of Nursing shares with me:

“Hi, Elly. This is great wording: ‘You no longer just problem-solve, you solution-find’.”

Curious how it can help you? Sign-up here. For free.

In the next 10 days, you get 5 emails with simple steps to resolve conflicts that you can apply immediately. With humans.

And maybe with squirrels.

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