by Elly van Laar | Jan 23, 2014 | Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth
How do we make commitments we can honor? I hope these six steps will help you.
1. Connect to the underlying needs you’re trying to serve
In my desire to be an aspirant-member of the Order of Interbeing I try to nurture my need for help on my path of mindfulness and compassion. It also supports a need for belonging to a group I feel welcome and at home. I have a need for contribution, to use my practice to benefit others and relief suffering. There is a need for peace, to be more open and accepting of reality, and more joyful of what is in this moment, instead of what I want it to be. And there is a need for harmony and trust. This community handles conflicts with such peace, ease and grace.
2. Brainstorm other strategies
Write all your needs down on a big piece of paper, step back and look at the overall picture. Are there other strategies that might support all those needs?
I see my needs for support, community, belonging, contribution, peace, harmony and trust, and wonder which other strategies would nurture those needs. My marriage, moving back to the Netherlands, seeking certification with the Center for Nonviolent Communication? I don’t see they support all of my needs. This choice stands out as the best.
Maybe more needs come up at this stage. Jot them down, and re-do step 2. Do they reinforce your choice, or change your strategy? I realize my need for purpose and clarity reinforces my choice for being an aspirant-member.
If you have more strategies available, you can use the polarity matrix to check which one stands out.
3. Imagine yourself six months from now, after your commitment
Look at your future self, and feel, see, hear, taste, smell all the aspects of your life. What are your experiences, activities, surroundings? Do you like this future version of yourself? Do you get excited and enthusiastic to be that person? If so, go on with step 4. If not, this is not the right strategy.
4. Sleep on it
Let it go. Repeat “Everything is in divine order, everything will be resolved in God’s love and wisdom” or anything else that rings true. Trust your subconscious’ wisdom and guidance. Relax in the miracles of sleep.
5. Express your intention
You wake up with the same commitment? Express your intention to an accountability partner. Someone who is willing to check if this is really what you want. Hearing yourself express out loud what you want to commit to, will help surface any fears, hopes, reservations and longings. With empathy you can address them and include them in your choice.
6. Commit!
Go for it! That is the only way to know you made a true commitment. Even if it turns out to be the wrong choice, you can celebrate your sincere intention to consciously commit.
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You want help to clarify your commitments? Contact me for a complimentary, discovery session 512-589-0482
by Elly van Laar | Jan 22, 2014 | Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
Life isn’t a business to be managed, it is a mystery to be lived
I breathe in
I indulge in the beauty of my view. It is like a big movie screen of nature. Trees, rocks, the hill. A blue sky, full with birds. I haven’t seen this many birds in a long time.
I breathe out
I feel so grateful. That I have this opportunity to sit and watch the trees, the sun, the birds. That I have fingers that can write. That I have friends who support and encourage me. Who see the beauty of my essential Elly-ness. “Humble and excited”, that’s what my friend saw in me as I talked about the small, successful steps I’m taking in expanding my business.
I breathe in
A bird catches a butterfly. The butterfly flies off. The bird catches up with him. It takes him a full minute to succeed eating him.
I breathe out
Such a spaciousness. Such a joy to be alive. No where to go, nothing to do. Just sitting here, and enjoying life, my breath, this moment.
I breathe in
I have finally decided to ask my Sangha if they will accept me as an aspirant member in the Order of Interbeing. I have been contemplating this choice ever since I first saw Thich Nhat Hanh. I have always postponed it. I don’t have enough time, it is too big a commitment, I am not mindful enough.
I breathe out
All of those thoughts might be true, my Sangha might not even accept my application. That is fine with me. It is not about the result, it is about the excitement of making a choice. Of freeing the energy stuck in thinking about a choice, and taking a step.
I breathe in
It might not be the right path. I might get stuck. The path might not lead anywhere. But it still is a path, and I am moving. I am creating an opportunity to learn, and get feedback for the consciousness and choices I make.
I breathe out
My dad told me to get into action. To get away from my desk, designing my business. To call anyone who might have an interest working with me. He is a wise man. It helped so much. To take a step and learn from it.
I breathe in
I am ready to climb a tree. For the fun of it. Life isn’t a business to be managed, it’s a mystery to be lived (Osho, Zen Tarot).
I breathe out
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You want help to take your next step? Contact me for a complimentary, discovery session 512-589-0482
by Elly van Laar | Jan 20, 2014 | Acceptance, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication
Time for celebration
Today I want to celebrate my successful implementation of Thich Nhat Hanh’s Beginning Anew!
Avoid conflict
I have been part of a small group of Nonviolent Communication coaches/trainers. We talk on the phone once a week. I value the level of support, encouragement and integrity I find in this group. And yet, somehow, I started to dread the conversations, more and more.
My favorite strategy when something doesn’t work for me is to disengage, then disconnect. I am well-trained at that. Rescheduling calls, not making them, coming up with a lame excuse that I am too busy and have to quit. Stuff like that.
I love that strategy!
Trying something new
This time I decide to try something different. I decide to express my dread and take it from there. I’m gonna use Thich Nhat Hanh’s three steps of Beginning Anew, and use Nonviolent Communication to express myself in feelings and needs.
I first ask Priya and Adam if they are okay if I talk about our group interaction, using Thich Nhat Hanh’s steps.
I start to sweat, feel anxious, see doom scenario’s of how they will react. I am absolutely sure I will be rejected, criticized, discarded. (Yep, these are not feeling words, these are feelings mixed in with a thought, but you get the picture of the racing dialogue in my head).
I did not expect to hear “Sure! We would love to listen and support you. Take your time. We’re here for you.”
I take the first step: appreciate what I like in the connection, maybe even in the current situation. That is their commitment to empathize with me, their willingness to open up to my struggle, their ability to hold my fear and anxiety with compassion.
They reflect me back. They guess my feelings and needs. They give me space to talk.
I’m starting to relax. A thought pops up in my head: “Maybe it is possible to express myself authentically and still belong and be accepted? Maybe I can find a balance between autonomy and togetherness?”
I didn’t get to the next two steps: expressing my regret for my own behavior, and sharing what actually bothers me. I don’t mind. We will continue this Friday.
Try it for yourself
I feel relieved, open and trusting. I get the brilliance of Thich Nhat Hanh’s advice to start with appreciation. It builds relationship, a safe container for our feelings and needs. It supports seeing the other person as human, instead of the enemy in our head. We can see the positive in them, the good, the pure, the beauty, beyond anything that doesn’t work for us. They are not enemies, or obstacles to our happiness. They are human beings in their own right.
I feel excited about our next group call. I would never have believed that that was possible. It is. Try it for yourself.
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You want help to begin anew, with yourself or someone else? Contact me for a complimentary, discovery session, 512-589-0482
by Elly van Laar | Jan 19, 2014 | Compassionate Communication, Personal Growth
Some miracles happen in the small corner of your life. My beloved friend Pandora Taylor offered to help me with my dilemma and guide me through a process, loosely based on polarity management. And my goodness, did it help! I feel relieved, relaxed and at peace with the clarity about what I truly want, and what my next step is towards getting there.
You can do this process for yourself, with someone else, or for someone else, whenever you are stuck in an either/or situation. You can download the Polarity Matrix PDF to work on it for yourself. This is what an empty matrix looks like. A filled in matrix is at the bottom of the page to serve as an example.
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TITLE OF CELL I + II:
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| II B: Positives of Choice 2:
Translation of positives into universal, human needs: |
I A: Positives of Choice 1:
Translation of positives into universal, human needs:
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TITLE OF CELL III + IV:
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| III A: Negatives of Choice 1: |
IV B: Negatives of Choice 2: |
1. Make a matrix.
2. In the upper right corner write down all the positives of the one choice. You might want to close your eyes and focus on your breath, as you visualize and connect to all the positives of that choice.
3. In the upper left corner write down all the positives of the other choice. Give yourself time to connect to all the positives of that choice.
4. In the bottom left corner write down all the negatives of the first choice. Feel the negatives of this choice.
5. In the bottom right corner write down all the negatives of the other choice. Feel the negatives of that choice.
6. Give a title to the upper row: the positives of both choices.
7. Give a title to the bottom row: the negatives of both choices.
8. Capture everything in the upper right cell in terms of universal, human needs.
9. Capture everything in the upper left cell in terms of universal, human needs.
10. What comes up for you, as you connect to the most important needs within yourself? Can you see a doable, positive step you can take towards bringing the needs in both cells into your life?
I realize I want to stay. My doable, positive step is to continue calling my parents every week, raise my income, rent a holiday home in the Netherlands in July, and invite them as my guests for a week. Then I can nurture them, support them, take care of shopping, making meals, entertainment, rest and connection. That sounds very yummy.
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HOPE
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II B: Leave for the Netherlands
- Closeness with family and friends
- Immediate availability to support my mom and dad
- Financial safety
- Sense of home, “Dutch smell”, nature
- Culture
Acceptance, Belonging
Connection, To support, Financial safety |
I A: Stay in Austin
- Connection with my nanny kids
- Autonomy
- Connection with and support for my husband
- Beautiful, spacious home in the woods
- Exciting new opportunities
- Growing business, unique selling point: I’m Dutch
Autonomy, Growth,
Connection, Comfort, Excitement
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DEPRESSION
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III A: Stay in Austin
- Financial distress
- Less availability for connection with and support for my family and friends
- Not honoring my own intention to take care of my parents as they grow old
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IV B: Leave for the Netherlands
- Starting all over again
- Small house in not so great neighborhood
- Fear of not getting enough space and acceptance for my own choices
- Cold, dark, rainy weather
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You want help to resolve your dilemma? Contact me for a complimentary, discovery session 512-589-0482
by Elly van Laar | Jan 17, 2014 | Compassion, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Self-compassion
I joined a virtual writers community
884 Members. Bloggers who encourage, inspire and help each other get their books published.
I read that you should join a writers community if you want to have your book published.
And I do!
I want hundreds of people standing in line, waiting to get my book autographed. I want the phone ringing like crazy with publishers dying to publish my book. I want to be the most wanted guest in any important talk show.
You get it? I want to be famous, meaningful and influential.
So I joined a community, as suggested.
I now have 884 co-authors who will applaud me, cherish me, and promote my work.
884 Authors who want the favors returned
Competitors who want to sell their stuff to the same audience. An audience who can only read so much. One book at a time. Their book.
Scarcity
I feel scared. There is not gonna be enough fish in this ocean. Someone is gonna starve. Me.
This whole writing ambition triggers my sense of scarcity. I have been repeating “I am enough. I do enough. I have enough”, over and over again. At least a couple of minutes a day. I loved singing it.
Now I feel how I don’t believe it is true. How my system reacts “No, you don’t. You can certainly pretend you are enough, but you most certainly don’t do enough. Let alone have enough. Don’t fool yourself! Go for a walk in the woods, and feel happy and contained. But remember: once you’re home, you’ll crash with two feet on the ground and face up to reality: there is not enough for everyone.”
My thoughts float like a leaf on the river
Steven Hayes and Spencer Smith write about having your thoughts, not being them (Get Out of Your Head & Into Your Life, 2005). Creating a little space between your thought and your identity. No attachment to having them, or not having them. Just seeing them as they pop up in your head.
I can do that. I can watch the thoughts of scarcity drift by, like leaves on a river. I don’t need to jump on the leaf, nor do I need to push it away.
I can just watch the thought. And see the beauty of it. It’s monstrous, consuming presence. How unique! Fascinating. I am a tornado chaser of thoughts. I am so excited to watch it, that I don’t even think of running away from it. Bring it on, baby!
Nothing to be scared of. Nothing to resist. Just a thought. Rising and floating on a river. It is a thought, not me.
Commitment to my dreams
In this non-fighting that arises, I experience space and freedom to pursue my dream and applaud others do the same.
I am happy I joined this group of fellow-travelers. I am ready to cherish, inspire and encourage them. May we all write magnificent stories. For magnificent readers.
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You want help observing your feelings and thoughts, not being them? Contact me for a complimentary, discovery session. 512-589-0482
How do we make commitments we can honor? I hope these six steps will help you.
