by Elly van Laar | Jan 29, 2014 | Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Personal Growth
A community that supports you in your practice, and encourages and inspires you to continue your efforts? A community that shares the same values and aspirations? Whether it is your AA, my weightlifting, our Sangha, their church, his soccer club, any community that celebrates your successes and your failures is wonderful.
Thich Nhat Hanh once said that the next Buddha is not gonna be an individual, it’s gonna be a Sangha. A community that awakens to enlightenment and helps relieve suffering.
The essence of community is a sense of belonging
For me belonging means that, however I show up, I am seen and accepted for who I am. I find that in my Sangha. Whether I come in grumpy, irritated, peaceful, happy, sad, lonely or scared, I always receive the same kind of love and welcome. It is even irrelevant who is there. It is the Sangha as a body, that bids me welcome. This welcoming is not limited to me, everyone who shows up is greeted with the same level of warmth. Whether you have ADHD, mental health challenges, alcoholic issues, struggles in your marriage, failing grades at school, whether you are black, brown or white, young or old: everyone is embraced with the same kind of excitement, just because they show up to practice together.
Strong communities support autonomy
There is more to strong communities. Yesterday I wrote about differentiation. The ability to balance your needs for togetherness and autonomy.
I claim that our Sangha is differentiated.
This morning I talked with Nhu-Mai about my intention to become an aspirant member of the Order of Interbeing. She encouraged me to use my time as an aspirant member to check in with myself whether being a member of the Order of Interbeing really resonates with me. Whether that is my heart’s desire, and honors the flow of my life. She told me that there is no shame, no punishment, no exclusion if I realize during my period as an aspirant member I don’t want to be ordained. My clarity will be celebrated. Whether the clarity is that I don’t want to commit, or do want to commit, I will belong and accepted.
I feel touched and impressed.
I am part of a community where my need for togetherness is nurtured, and my need for autonomy.
Contact me if you want to schedule a complimentary, discovery session to see if and how I can help you with your practice 512-589-0482
by Elly van Laar | Jan 28, 2014 | Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Personal Growth
Can you write about something when you are failing at it more often than you like?
When I started blogging, I wanted to write about marriage (as in any intimate, romantic, long-term relationship). I am passionate about any relationship, and marriage seems the pinnacle of relationships. Marriage was the topic of my heart.
Image courtesy to Deviantart
As I wrote, I realized that I suck at marriage. I broke up two long-term relationships, divorced once, and now struggle to transform anger, resentment and jealousy into love and compassion. Who am I to think that I can add anything of value about this topic?
I am better at friendships.
Well, of course.
In a friendship you can hide
You feel frustrated and don’t respond to emails. You meet for lunch and only talk about small things. You don’t tell your friend you don’t understand her partner choice, “out of respect”.
In a marriage you have less exit options
You live in the same house, you declared your commitment in public, his/her choices have a direct impact on you. And because of the amount of time spent together, your partner becomes more important. Their opinion of you becomes more important. You get more attached to their approval of who you are and what you do.
That’s why marriage can be challenging.
David Schnarch writes about it in his book Passionate Marriage.
A healthy, happy and safe marriage is a marriage between two differentiated people
People who can balance their needs for togetherness and for autonomy. People who are able to calm themselves down, when their partner loses it. People who are able to hold on to themselves, when their partner pushes to conform. People who are willing to pause their dream to accommodate their loved one. People who are willing to make choices that nurture all needs. People who are willing to love wholeheartedly, knowing they will once lose it all, death is inevitable.
David Schnarch claims there are three routes to differentiation.
- Unilateral self-disclosure: to disclose something vulnerable and important about yourself, without expecting the other person to do the same. A sort of emotional undressing, while the other keeps their clothes on.
- Self-validation: the ability to validate your own experience, when no one agrees, the ability to pursue your own dreams, when no one supports, the ability to believe in yourself, when no one else seems to.
- Conflict: the courage to stand up for your truth and desires, even if you fear disconnection and rejection.
I felt very relieved when I read number three. I have plenty of experience with conflict.
Maybe I’m not so ignorant about this topic after all. I might just be differentiating.
What if that is my expertise?
You want my help to transform conflict into differentiation? Call me at 512-589-0482 or email me to schedule a complimentary, discovery session.
by Elly van Laar | Jan 27, 2014 | Acceptance, Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication, Personal Growth
Childhood messages impact how we receive reality
My husband writes on and teaches Nonviolent Communication. More than 20 years and 1100 classes. Every Sunday, every Tuesday.
His favorite piece is ‘Repairing the Boat’ – a daylong workshop he offers on self-connection and discovering introjections. Introjections are the external messages we hear in our childhood. They can impact our sense of self, our perception of reality and our openness to the needs that are present.
When people are willing to look at these, sometimes elusive, hard-to-hear childhood messages, they can learn to more deeply explore their needs. As a result, they experience more freedom, joy and peace. They learn to take the actions of others less personally, and to distinguish between what is being said/done and how they receive these words/actions. This helps to understand all needs, which in turns helps their connection with others.
Are you kidding?
Last night we work with his material. He asks of a recent experience that was uncomfortable for me. He invites me to explore any phrases or ideas that come up -introjections- to understand my needs and the needs of the person whose behavior was uncomfortable.
Hum. Yep. I can think of one.
Of course. It is his.
I feel sad. I clearly remember the specific childhood instance this is tied to. I learned I cannot be who I am, when someone is grumpy. There is a penalty for being giddy, bubbly, exuberant. I need to confine myself to that person’s demands.
My husband asks if this memory makes it hard to be around him when he is grumpy. And how my life would be if I shift into understanding my and his needs.
Are you kidding me? I should make the effort to translate his behavior into needs? I should try to empathize with his experience? I should try to understand that his behavior has to do with his experience, and is in no way a reflection of me?
Why can’t he stop being grumpy? Why can’t he be more joyful? Why can’t he make an effort? Why do I have to do the work?
The road to inner freedom
There might be some truth in it. Maybe it helps to be able to accept reality for what it is, not for what I want it to be.
It reminds me of The Work that I have been doing. “Until you can look forward to all aspects of life, without fear, your Work is not done.”
Maybe there is a gem in his teaching: that surfacing introjections dissipates their power to confuse reality. Maybe it is worthwhile to be honest with myself and face my baggage. Maybe I can take a step back, and see my needs in my reaction, and the needs of others in their behavior.
Maybe that’s not a maybe.
I can change my response to any behavior. That’s the road to inner freedom.
You want help to explore your introjections? Contact me for a complimentary, discovery session 512-589-0482, or email me.
Image courtesy to Creative Commons
by Elly van Laar | Jan 26, 2014 | Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Nonviolent Communication
Why do I blog?
It is the first assignment in the WordPress Zero To Hero Challenge to build a better blog in 30 days. Why do I blog instead of writing a personal journal? What are my blogs about? Whom do I love to connect with through my blogs? If I blog successfully throughout 2014, what would I hope to have accomplished?
All kinds of socially correct answers swirl through my head.
But the truth, is I started to blog to attract more visitors to my website and turn them into clients. I wanted to raise my income.
Frequently adding pages to your website tells the search engines your website is current. Writing about the same topics tells them your website is relevant, and voilà, your website shows up higher in the search results.
And the challenge to write 50,000 words in one month.
Straight back to my lifelong ambition to become a published author.
A book about marriage. How to transform anger, resentment and jealousy into love and connection. How Nonviolent Communication helps. Mindfulness. Compassion.
The core three elements of my business. This work is my road to success, I can feel it in my bones.
As I write, and write, and write, I get less and less excited. I often struggle in my marriage. I am not a textbook example of transforming anger, resentment and jealousy. How can I tell others how to do that?
How am I different from all the other experts in this field? I have no clue. If this is not my specialty, what is?
Then I remember Socrates quote, Gnothi seauton: “But I have no leisure for them (=mythology) at all; and the reason, my friend, is this: I am not yet able, as the Delphic inscription has it, to know myself; so it seems to me ridiculous, when I do not yet know that, to investigate irrelevant things.” (Wikipedia). If Socrates tells us to understand ourselves, who am I to doubt that that is an honorable thing to do?
So I decide to write about my experiences on the path of deepening mindfulness and expanding compassion. About my stumbling steps, my faltering failures, and my small successes. About my enthusiasm and dedication to this path.
I hope my blog inspires and encourages you to continue on yours.
And grow the wave of mindfulness and compassion enthusiasts together
You want to explore how I can help you with your mindfulness and compassion practice? Contact me for a complimentary, discovery session 512-589-0482.
Image courtesy to Creative Commons
by Elly van Laar | Jan 24, 2014 | Compassionate Communication, Mindfulness, Personal Growth
Visualize your desired result
“Ik ben een kanjer!” I yell, as I park in the driveway last night. “I am a hero!”. Or something like that.
I had just succeeded driving home safely through 10 miles of sleet, freeze, and storm. Over bridges, through winding roads, down the 23% hill to our house.
I was scared all the way.
I am not used to drive through such weather on hilly, winding, unsalted roads. Dutch roads are flat, straight, and immediately taken care of by government agencies when it starts to snow.
I applied my battalion of fear-reassuring tricks. Singing, focusing on my breath, thanking God for a safe drive, visualizing my warm and welcome homecoming.
Take your first step
The funny thing was, I was a more responsible driver, because of that tenacious determination to arrive home safely. I was so intent on keeping myself from an accident and my car from wreckage, that I carefully took all the necessary steps to make that happen. My desired end result was so clear, that I only needed to reason back from that end situation to my now to find the steps that would get me there.
I am noticing it with my application for the Order of Interbeing too. I haven’t even applied, I haven’t told my Dharma teacher, I haven’t asked my Sangha. And my visualization of whom I want to be is so clear, my commitment so conscious, that I can track all the steps my future self took to get there. All the thoughts, words and actions my future self took to come into existence.
Isn’t it wonderful? It’s it simple? Imagine your future self, and track back the steps your future self took to come into existence. And take that first step. Just that first step.
You want help to figure out your first step? Contact me for a complimentary, discovery session 512-589-0482 or email me