by Elly van Laar | May 18, 2013 | Personal Growth
Day 8 of my Rejection Therapy: OMG! Someone signed up for my blog! Oh no! Panic! Terror! Someone might actually be reading my posts! OMG!! I can stop my rejection therapy right now: there is enough rejection risk in this one person following my posts. And it is not even my parents, my ever encouraging sisters, my dear and faithful friends: it’s someone I have never even heard of!… It is a scam… He wants to sell me something… He wants me to read his blog… He wants to date me… He wants to have sex with me… Oh no! I have to tell him I am married and my house is locked! I have to get in touch with him, and tell him to unsubscribe. I never planned for someone to have an interest… Maybe he doesn’t have an interest!… Maybe he is just gonna post nasty comments… Maybe he is gonna copy my posts… Maybe… My mind runs out of options… Nope, it’s not: it’s back in the race: Maybe he is just curious. Maybe he is looking for inspiration. Maybe he has positive intentions. Maybe he wants to be coached by me. Yep, he definitely wants to benefit from my services! And my mind spins of oncemore: I see myself on television shows, I see the blockbuster movie based on my blog, I see my novel piled up in every bookstore, I see truckloads of people lined up for my autograph.
And then I see my hand touching the keyboard. Just writing a blog. About reading a blog.
by Elly van Laar | May 17, 2013 | Personal Growth
Day 6 of my Rejection Therapy. Finally: Brene Brown!!! (www.brenebrown.com). From Daring Greatly, p 68-69:
There are a couple of very helpful ways to think about shame. First, shame is the fear of disconnection. We are psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually hardwired for connection, love and belonging. Connection, along with love and belonging (two expressions of connection), is why we are here, and it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. Shame is the fear of disconnection -it’s the fear that something we’ve done or failed to do, an ideal that we’ve not lived up to, or a goal that we’ve not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection. I’m not worthy or good enough for love, belonging, or connection. I’m unlovable. I don’t belong. Here’s the definition of shame that emerged fro my research:
Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.
People often want to believe that shame is reserved for people who have survived an unspeakable trauma, but this is not true. Shame is something we all experience. And while it feels as if shame hides in our darkest corners, it actually tends to lurk in all of the familiar places. Twelve “shame categories” have emerged from my research:
- Appearance and body image
- Money and work
- Motherhood/fatherhood
- Family
- Parenting
- Mental and physical health
- Addiction
- Sex
- Aging
- Religion
- Surviving trauma
- Being stereotyped or labeled.
by Elly van Laar | May 17, 2013 | Personal Growth
Day 4 of my Rejection Day: Today I felt a deep pang of pain in my stomach as I was talking with a friend. I realized how scared I was of rejection, and how I didn’t dare to speak up. Then I asked “Are you sure?” “Are you sure you’re scared?” “Are you sure you might be rejected?”
And I realized: No, I am not. There is some softness besides the pain, some openness to this other human being, some interest in his experience. And I am not so much scared, as just having a woozy feeling in my lower belly. Those are not the same. There is more to me than the fear, more to me than my habitual ways of thinking, more to me than my limitations. There is always this rich fullness of my physical sensations, emotions, thoughts, needs and values, this wholeness of “me”.
Thank you brother Chan Huy, teacher of my Plum Blossom Sangha for asking this question. http://www.mindfulcoachingclinic.com/
by Elly van Laar | May 17, 2013 | Personal Growth
Day 3 of my Rejection Therapy (Saturdays are my lazy days, and then I only do things I REALLY want, which doesn’t include any “have to’s”): I am realizing there is not really something like rejection. There are actions which I receive as rejection, but actually there is just someone saying ‘no’ to a strategy I suggested. They can not see how it serves their needs if they say ‘yes’, which leaves room for finding a solution that nurtures ALL needs.
It gets muddy, when I receive the ‘no’ as a reflection of my self-worth, that I am not worthy, that my needs don’t matter, and that there is something wrong with me asking for what I want.
The rejection therapy has already helped me to understand that if I want to live a life more fully in alignment with my values and precious needs, I have to offer my request as beautiful gifts to others, beautiful opportunities to nourish this precious life that I am representing. Funny enough, that will more likely invite a ‘yes’, which means I failed the rejection game. Yes, the game is truly set up for win/win.
For hard to hear messages and nourishing all needs see:http://www.cnvc.org/
by Elly van Laar | May 17, 2013 | Personal Growth
Day 1 of my Rejection Therapy (see previous post): Well, I succeeded! I am done for today, I received my first rejection. And to be honest it didn’t feel good at all. Nope. A potential client that I would have loved to work with, decided to postpone working. Yep. Then I remembered a mountain trail my ex-husband and I once walked. It was very steep. The steps got very high. I got very scared. When we finally reached the top, I curled up in a little bundle of pure fear. It took minutes before I had the courage to look around. And then I was blown away by the view: mountain tops all around me, as far as my eye could reach. Fantastic. And I realize that all I need to do, is keep going, enjoy my path, celebrate my efforts, and trust that I will LOVE the top.
