A friend of my teacher Kit Miller once asked her “Did you cry today?”, and upon Kit’s surprised “No.” “Well, you should. Crying once a day is good for you.‘
A sort of variance of “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”
I agree with Kit’s friend. Every time I call Silent unity, I cry. Whether I call in with a sense of calm and peace, or a sense of anxiety and fear, I cry during every phone call.
It is refreshing, releasing, relieving. I call them, they pray for my abundance, prosperity, they tell me that all good comes from God, through Go. They reassure me that He will show us ways -both known and unknown- to make enough money to keep the house. And all this time I cry.
I love it. A safe haven to let go off my anxiety, my worries, my tiredness. No questions asked. They describe the picture of what I want so much, affirming I have everything I need and that God provides for us. And I can rest in that trust and redirect my energies to that which is positive and within my circle of influence.
The first thing I do, is ask God to take away my negative thoughts. This is new for me. Usually I empathize with my negative thoughts. I connect to the feelings that come up with these thoughts. I explore the universal, human needs underlying these feelings. I follow Pema Chodron‘s advice to lean into this experience. To use this experience to expand my compassionate understanding of what it’s like to be human.
Not these days. These days I ask God to take away my negative thinking, my looping, habitual, reiterative thoughts of scarcity, lack, not enough. And I happily have energy to do what needs to be done. Creating the conditions my husband and I need to be able to concentrate on generating income. Joy, love and harmony. My mom’s motto: Rust, reinheid en regelmaat. (rest, cleanness, and regularity).
So far, I am successful. My husband is chunking along on a deal that will generate our abundance and prosperity. I am expanding my web presence, so I’m easier find to by potential clients. We’re eating well, sleeping peacefully, exercising enough. We’re in it for the long run. This is not a sprint, it is a marathon. We’re prepared.
Crying certainly cleans up the inner space to be ready and run.
Surrender to love
I am very proud of you. I see how you’re finding ways to deal with your fear and thoughts of scarcity. I am very happy you found Silent Unity. I understand that you like their affirmative prayer. I can imagine how relieved you feel every time you hear them say that abundance and prosperity are yours. I know that God opens ways for you to earn the money you need to keep the house.
Trust your intention and your gut instincts. Those are God’s way of talking to you, showing you your next step.
I feel relieved that you asked the archangels Michael, Gabriel, Rafael and Uriel to guard the four sides of your home and keep you safe. I see how strong and solid they stand. Unwavering in cold and storm. Shining and radiant, powerful. They will keep all harm away from your door.
Don’t forget to pray till God. He is the source of all life, all love, all light. She will provide for you in all the ways you need.
All you need to do is open your heart. Let love and faith and trust grow in you and make you strong. Support your husband the best way you can. Nurture him, cherish him, embrace him. Make sure he gets enough sleep and food to generate the income you need.
Surrender to love. Surrender to the power within you to create what you want. A sanctuary for all life. A warm welcome for all creatures on earth. Your friends, your family, the friends-you-haven’t-met. Your home is a safe haven for the mice who chose your home as theirs. The scorpions, lizards, ants, spiders. You ferociously protect them. Against the water of the shower, the cleaning cloth, the vacuum cleaner. You are the protector of the trees and plants around the house. This home, this land is not just yours. It is the land and home of all living beings.
This is a sacred home. You’ll keep it, my beloved child.
Trees (Photo credit: @Doug88888)
I venture out in the woods. I walk slowly. Carefully. Joyfully. I feel my feet touch the earth, and let the energy arise through me. Every step a connection to the earth. I enjoy the sun. The bright colors of the leaves: red, green, orange, yellow. My friend told me how rich she feels this time of year. The golden leaves fall on her, fill the streets with it’s riches. It’s golden abundance is available to everyone. I feel cherished and welcomed in the woods. Nurtured.
I have no plan. Just to spend 30 minutes in nature. I see a little creek I have never seen before. The heavy rains created it on the rocky path. Small, tenderly dripping away. It is quiet. Just the sounds of my breath, my footsteps, the breeze.
I hear a tree. It calls out to me. A juniper. It’s branches spread out wide and evenly. Inviting.
I hear my heart. Climb!
I hear my mind. NO!
I climb. One branch. Looping to the other side for the next branch. Avoiding getting stuck in the twigs. A next step. Taking a break.
My heart starts racing. I’m scared. I’m here on my own. I have no belay. If I fall, it might take hours before I’m found. I can’t afford a broken leg. I hug the tree. Lean into it. I feel how solid I am, how strong. I trust my body, myself. I take a next step. I feel fear. I rest, connect to my belly, to my heart. I respect my fear. I treat it with great reverence. It takes minutes. Then I take a next step. I see out over the tree tops. I see the valley, and all the autumn trees celebrating fall in splendid colors.
I rest. I celebrate. My agility. My trust. My strength. My fear. My steps.
This is how I run my business. One step. Feeling my fear. Leaning into life. Finding my balance. My solidity. My trust. Then a next step. Let fear arise, loneliness. Worries. Give them space to talk. Listen. With empathy and compassion. No fixing, reassuring, arguing. Just listen. Listen to life and how it supports me. Then a next step. No fighting the branches for being to far apart. No impatience with my fear. No comparing myself with other, faster climbers. That’s not my path.
My path is to experience what it is like to be me. My path is to experience which conditions support me. Take a step. Connect to what’s alive in me. And then a next step.
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What? My heart starts racing. My armpits start sweating, I’m getting excited.
I imagine a retreat center. In the mountains, beautiful and serene. Eagles fly in the sky, trees stand tall. The theme is failure applause. To celebrate our efforts, and accept our failures. To free us of attachment to results, comparison with others and to life now. Building blocks: Individual coaching. Healing work. Group sessions. Silent meditation and creative arts.
And ask $2000 for it? Are you kidding? I don’t think I add enough value to ask that! I don’t think I am better than any of the other fantastic coaches out there! I don’t think I am worth that money!
And yet… Something tickles me. No one needs to sign up for my package. I can see it as play. To play being a successful, confident business woman.
I giggle. I think of a game my sister and I played at my grandma’s house, when we were young.
My grandma lived in a park, opposite a castle. There were trees around the house, a lake, rhododendrons. Visitors strolled on the premises, enjoying the beauty.
My sister and I would get dressed up in long, white dresses. Fancy shoes, lace gloves, brimmed hats. Then walk up and down the balcony, waving at people passing by. Graciously. Self-confident. Happy. We are princesses. We smile, and they smile back. What I never had the courage to do in normal life, I am perfectly happy to do in play.
Life is play. My business is play. I create a unique offer and ask 10x of what I feel comfortable with. Just for fun. I smile. I see people smile back.
I’m climbing a tree. 100 Feet high. I am terrified of heights. I tremble with fear standing on a ladder. Diving of a diving board is beyond my comfort zone. Let alone climbing a 100 feet high tree. Okay, I was anchored to a belay. It made no difference. The fear was shaking my body.
I made this a sacred journey. Into my fears. To my dreams. A unique opportunity to be fully present with my terror, be touched by it, open up to it. A holy practice of trust. Of the tree, my community, of myself. Trust that life and light arise from embracing my feelings.
I wake up at 6 am, meditate and write a poem. I walk up to the tree, and hug it. “Please, allow me to step on your branches. Talk to me. Share your wisdom. Hold me and keep me safe.” My belay drums the drum and sings a song. My two friends bow to me. I get into my harness, and take the first step. I am terrified. I tremble. I sweat. I put my arms around the tree and cry. Tears of existential fear. I wait till I hear the tree tell me my next step. It seems incredibly far away. I take my step. I tremble. I sweat. I cry. I wrap myself around the tree. “Talk to me. Hold me. Keep me safe. Show me my next step.” I don’t move till I regain trust and courage. In the tree, my belay, myself. I see the next step. I tremble. I sweat. I cry. I continue.
Halfway I am complete. I did my inner work. I stood my feelings. I don’t have to reach the top. I don’t have to force myself to get results. “Ann, I am ready to get down!” Ann responds: “Look down, and feel your feelings. Look up and feel your feelings. Then make a choice.” I look down and see my community, patiently waiting and honoring my choice. I look up and see myself exuberant with the total sense of freedom of having journeyed through my fears, terrors, and obstacles to life, to choice, to trust.
I take another step. And another. And another. And within minutes I am at the top. I look out over the canopy of trees, it is beautiful beyond imagination. I look down, and feel no fear. Just extreme freedom and joy. I am one with the universe. I yell so loud, that it can be heard at camp. “I AM AN ANIMAL!!!”. I take off my shirt, my bra, and I let the universe touch my very skin, my bones, my cells. There is no “I”, there is no “you”, there is no “here”, no “there”. There just is. Right here, right now. Being.
I have a kissing reminder of the tree on my leg. Some call it a scar. I call it the proud mark of my courage, the tree and living life to the fullest.