Coaching for Nonprofit Leaders

Transform Conflict into Collaboration

Of course, he reacts to my Facebook post about restitution for descendants of slaves with:

“You are free to give all of your money to the descendants of slaves if you wish. But ordering me to do it at the point of a gun is morally wrong. That’s no different than slavery itself! Just curious how much of your own money have you taken out of your own pocket and given to the descendants of slaves? I’ll bet you it is zero! So when you have given everything you have ever earned through the Unfair advantage of your white privilege maybe then you can start lecturing others. Until that point maybe not.”

Even though I knew he would be the first to comment, I still am thrown off balance. I have all kinds of thoughts about him that are not flattering, and would not reflect well on me.

I start pounding my keyboard with arguments about why I am right, restating my viewpoint to prove him wrong. I toggle between my FB post and Google to fact-check my reply. 

Fortunately, this drafting of the perfect response slows me down enough to see how triggered I am and remember my friend’s advice: “The send-button is your enemy.”

When I reread my post, I see it doesn’t reflect my mantra “Empathy works. It always does.” I decide to not respond — yet. I delete everything I wrote, close the FB-tab on my computer, and start empathizing with myself. 

Eleven years into this mantra I know I can easily empathize with my family and friends. With the sick, the poor, the lonely. The people who have different opinions than me on minor issues.

And after this post, I realize that I am not so good at empathizing with someone whose words trigger strong unpleasant feelings and unmet needs around the one thing that I probably value the most: social justice. 

It takes me more than nine hours to feel calm enough to reflect him what I think he is trying to convey. Even then, it takes me several drafts before I think that my reflection is respectful of both our needs and I feel comfortable pushing the send button.

When I receive his private response I have a second trigger. I feel relieved to notice that I learned what I needed reminding of:

  • Instead of reacting and offering counter-arguments, facts, explanations, focus on self-empathy first

  • Enemy images are stumbling blocks for connection, so transform them before interacting with them

  • Openhearted curiosity is the best way to deepen understanding. “I’d like to think they are not 100% wrong”

  • Slow down, if you are in a hurry: you have enough time to process the interaction and guess their thoughts, feelings, and needs

  • Let your deepest values inform your response so that whatever you are doing creates a better world for everyone (I took the free Values In Action-test by Peterson and Seligman to know which ones were mine)

  • Black Lives Matter is strongly tied to more issues I care about than I thought. 

You too might struggle with listening to family members, colleagues, or neighbors who seem to be on the other side of whatever spectrum is important to you. But you might not always have the resources to delay your response. You might be caught in a situation without an exit.

Then join my free webinar: Align your actions with your values, when overwhelmed with triggers”

  • Get one idiotically simple step to start your empathy workout, which you can use in each and every situation

  • How to empathize with Alt-rights, keep your balance, and hold onto to your truth

  • Why bathroom breaks are probably the best back-up plan to restore your calm when everything else fails

  • A better understanding of your biggest obstacle in empathizing with those who trigger you the most

  • How one three-word sentence will help resolve the tension in a few seconds

  • What creative tension has to with your vision and why accepting your current reality is helpful

  • The fun of failing over and over again, taking your efforts lightly, and build your empathy habit over time

Saturday, July 11 at 1:00-2:00 pm CST. 

Join me.

%d bloggers like this: